Typically, I do not write very many words a day. I read somewhere that Stephen King shots for like 1500. For me, that IS doable, yet unlikely to remain consistent. I struggle with time. Time is often my enemy. I feel run down and run ragged and when I feel inspired I look around only to realize I haven't showered in four days and I should do that instead. Then, as always, time eludes me again and nothing in my head makes it onto paper.
For a while that really has been the case. It's like my life is set up on a tread mill and all I do is walk faster and faster but I don't go anywhere. Do you (out there) feel like that? Kind of rhetorical since I have the feeling most people would say yes. Life is like a treadmill. Buffy says, "Life's a show and we all play our parts, and when the music starts, we open up our hearts..." (Season 6, ep 7) Or life is seen as a stage and we are merely players. Whatever metaphor you use it is basically the same and sometimes it is monotonously overwhelming.
Right? I know you get me. So, yeah, for a while the "muse" (as they say) was silent. The I got the first round of edits of TCOL and low and behold Darian's voice showed up inside my head. I need Darian's voice inside my head because it whispers to me of his past and his trials and I think it is an important story to tell as well as a good culmination of a painful trilogy. And funny, as I typed "culmination" I actually had to look it up to see if it was what I meant to say. Sometimes I'm not so good with definitions. Merriam-Webster is on my toolbar (and so is Twitter, my Blog, Google, Facebook, Goodreads, a tab for "Reptiles", a tab for Writing, Amazon, and some others.) So when I looked it up, I think I like the synonym "crescendo" better. I WANT Darian's last word to be a magnum opus. Does that make sense? And because I expect so much out of myself, I am second guessing everything, and when I read it I think it is boring. I think it will not give Darian the credit he is due. I've basically talked myself out of writing it. Does that mean I've stopped? No. Don't freak out on me. I AM writing it, but I fear I am building it up in my mind and I will only fail myself and all of you. Still, I forge on and write one sentence at a time. He is still talking to me. And I am still writing what I think he wants to say.
But I am also hearing other voices... I find it interesting to see how far I have come. My personal editor (not DSP's editor) has told me she is proud how far I've come since she met me. I used to write in passive voice all the time. I use to write the wrong words WAY more often. Like defiantly instead of definitely. I have always sucked at grammar and I hope to overcome that in the fall when I take my class on Modern English Grammar at the Community College. The most interesting thing for me right now is that I have multiple voices talking to me about completely different stories and I can distinguish the difference. There used to be a time when I could not read ANY OTHER BOOK or think of any other character besides the one I was writing. One book at a time, please. But now, my mind is accepting the challenge of hearing Darian, writing Darian, while at the same time I hear a new voice wanting to be heard. At the moment I'm calling him Avery. I'm not completely sold on the name Avery, but the more I write him the more I like it. (I'll blog about that story next week when I have more info to go on.) So I hear Dare, and Avery, and then I saw Star Trek yesterday and it got me thinking about another story I've been tinkering with for a couple years: MY STORY.
How does Star Trek tie in with ME? lol, long story. But I've been thinking about the trials I have been through personally and writing a book about ME (generally) has been on my mind since around 2010. In the beginning of that year I was chatting with a friend named Mark. Some of you may have known Mark Bowne, and I dedicated WLINE to him because he was a wonderful man. He was supportive and gracious and inspiring at times. We spoke online about an idea I had about writing a book about ME and my views on faith, religion, loving unconditionally, homosexuality, persecution, hope, despair, depression, perseverance, and how to keep going on in a world that seems to harsh and hatful sometimes. I told him I wanted to call it "Tales of a closeted Christian", but since then I think "The Pain of Transparency" is more appropriate to what I want to say. Because really, I tend to be a pretty "transparent" person most of the time in real life. In 2010 that kind of openness screwed me and my therapist suggested I learn to rein in my tendency to open up to every person I meet. And boy did I! I shut down and didn't open up to anyone for YEARS! Being hurt does that. But Mark seemed to think my story was relevant and that others might benefit from hearing my point of view. I started it then, but hadn't written very much. Maybe 5000 words. Yesterday I was inspired to write more. 1300. It felt good. What I think I might accomplish with that one is to piss everyone off at the same time. hahhaa. IDK. But since it is about ME, and I have a tendency to be really blunt these days, I say why not? If I piss people off it is a valid emotion. Anger is strong. If I write something that makes you think so much you hate my words then you will not easily forget me. Right? IDK, we'll see. It's a WIP. But alfter that longwinded tangent I never answered my own question. Star Trek doesn't really have to do with ME, but it was a text I get from a friend after seeing the movie that gripped me with the need to write about myself in relation to his text. That's all. And you would have to be in my head to understand, so yeah, just roll with it. I know I'm hard to follow.
As far as Star Trek goes, I liked it. I think I liked the first one better. It was fresh and new and we got to see how it brought all the original elements of Star Trek into a new story. I loved it! What I didn't like was some missing elements. They breeze over the Klingons and I was left hanging. I didn't like it. Yes, It could be a setup for #3, but still annoyed me. And I think the envelopment with the Admiral was glossed over too quickly and almost seemed far fetched. And Kahn, although the actor did a stupendous job, I think his character needed fleshing out. His backstory wasn't filled in and he lost his validation as evil dude. My opinions. But I liked it!
I guess that's all for now. And as I told someone today--and loved the way I said it--I'm nothing special, just a writer struggling to create tears on a page.