(Matt and Brad always have a picture.)
Part of this is due to feeling VERY distant from my 18 yr old son (soon to be 19). He's my oldest and my only boy, and I'm having difficulty understanding him.
Today, at breakfast, I broke down and cried at the breakfast bar. (I was sitting there because was a party of one.) I was by myself until another single party sat down next to me as I cried. She was nice and didn't make me feel uncomfortable and after I calmed down, we talked for 2 hours. Turns out, she was a psychologist. I thought of it as a Devine Intervention because there was't any real reason she was here. She lives in Texas and wasn't even staying in my hotel. She was here to see a friend and that friend wasn't seven working to day and so she stopped to get breakfast before getting a manicure.
She sat next tome, the broken, sobbing, mess of a mother who just does;t understand her son.
Everything she said made sense. It helped me process it. And I think I need to see a therapist because there is a lot of crap in my own head to process. I think I have abandonment issues.
I have always been alone. Always. I was a loner in high school because I never fit in. I figured out over the past 5 years that no one understands the mind of an author, except another author. (Or painter or musician. An artist of some type.) But I didn't know that years ago. I just knew I was different and I think different and I see ice different. No one cared to know my dreams back then. Even now, very few ask. Even people in my every day life don't always support my dreams. So, I go it alone.
Many of you know of my story from 2010, so I won't bore you, but one thing that occurred was losing all mu friends over writing a book. Then, again in 2014 (and sort of still now,) I face that again. I've been abandoned many times over in my lifetime. And I guess part of me fears losing my son. So, today, I was extremely emotional over it. (Still am.)
What is different about me in 2015, is that I know I have supporters. I have wonderful friends and readers and fans who love me. I APPRECIATE YOU ALL! I also think I have a purpose to bring hope and change the world. Maybe the change will take a long time, but I don't want to give up. Writing is my dream. Being a published author is the part I have achieved, but I do have bigger dreams.
I want to write a Broadway Musical. No, it doesn't help that I can't write music, but I want to pull apart a story into its essential elements and write lyrics to songs that tell that story. This dream may take a while, but I am only 46. I have time. I don't want to lose my dream. Dreams push us and pull us beyond ourselves, sometimes to be more than we are at any given time.
I think I need to talk to a therapist to help sort out the doubt and the fear I have of failure. I'm not talking about the failure of never writing that musical, but the failure to be the kind of person that changes the world one person at a time. The failure to love people, like I want to love people. I fear failing to leave a mark that lasts long after I leave.
And in this moment, I fear losing my son as he grows up. It's painful to go through as he pulls away. You all know I am an emotional person. Today was like an explosion. I appreciate all your thoughts that were posted in Facebook. I need you and I thank you for caring about me.
I think I'll be okay. I just need to talk to a therapist to help me work through it.
:)
