Sunday, March 24, 2013

Coming out of my shell

Over the last few years I've been in hiding. Kind of like a hermit, but one that was stalked into seclusion for fear of public persecution. Although I tend to talk about myself all the time, I talk about my writing, not my personal details. But if you read my books, trust me you know me. Anyway... I shut people off for years because of my "stalker" and I didn't trust anyone. After all, this "stalker" was someone I'd known for years. YEARS! And this person did hurtful things to me because of something I wrote. They corroborated with another mutual friend who "had plenty of time to kill," I was told, and that man researched and googled and dug up dirt. (Like I have dirt.) My initial reaction, besides fear, was to think "why the hell am I that special that I am researched on the internet?" I am not a town leader. I'm not the president. I am not even a principle of a high school. I am an ordinary person. This was 2010. It was a very hard year. I can not go into detail because if said "person/stalker" is still out there, they might be searching the internet as I type this. IDK. I was shocked and caught off guard the first time, who's to say it wouldn't happen again?

So, to keep myself and those I love in my life safe, I hid. There is a Barenaked Ladies song that says, "If I hide myself wherever I go, am I ever really there?" Well, I've been doing just that. When someone you know seeks to be hurtful and damaging to you and your family etc., it is hard to then BE YOURSELF. "Myself" was unacceptable to the public. "Myself" was said to be "unChristian like". And "myself" was not what was good for the community. I saw a therapist because of this and she told me I had been attacked. This was a verbal attack. The couple people that were out to "cleanse the church" of my damaging presence and influence had hurt me, but the therapist assured me it was not my fault. I knew this, but it still feels good to have that affirmation.

Something good came out of it. I wrote WLINE. I was in pain, and hurt, and scared, so I poured out my feelings on paper. (Notebook and computer.) This book has not made a movie like Stephanie Meyer, but it HAS touched the hearts of people who identify with it. Jimmy Miller committed suicide. Suicide is the ultimate release of pain, suffering and depression for someone who doesn't know where to go with that pain. It is the edge. Real despair is out there. What I feel I am called to do is write about it. I felt that pain to a small degree and it was awful. What about those who are not as strong, or those who have no one to turn to? Suicide becomes a real reality. I would not wan that for anyone.

So, in these last three years, I have been healing emotionally from what people have done and said about me. The sequel to WLINE, The Cost of Loving, is a personal journey of church persecution told through Matt Dixon's life. It is a parallel, not an autobiography. I took it from my experience, but it is fiction. Point being, if you read it, it is how I felt in 2010 expressed through Matt, his dad, his mom, and his lover. I have always said my characters are ME. Well, they are.

I am in the process of writing the conclusion of that time of my life. Love, Trust, and Learning to Live Again. I am writing it because that is where I am in my life. I am learning to trust, and I am learning to live. Darian is my broken "self" and the expression of where my life is heading. I hope to finish it by the end of April.

Yesterday, I branched out and talked to a "fan" / reader for the first time about "me". It felt very freeing. I am learning to be myself again and I like that. GRL will be fun because I will be able to be myself in public. In that regard, who is going? Comments? I only know the list of autors that is going from the list on the retreat page. What other authors are going? (Besides me.) comment. I'd like to know who I might see there.

More on me coming. One step at a time.



  1. Ill be at GRL and cant wait to meet you!

  2. I understand the need to hide. I use a pen name to protect my son more than anything. If it were just me and my cat, then I wouldn't care. But Spawn already has a slightly different journey because of Autism. Or, maybe I should say thanks to Autism. I wish I were going to GRL, but I can only do one event/conference/retreat which is in December. I'm pretty sure you'll have a great time at GRL. There are going to be some great people there.

    1. Yeah, same here. If I had no one, it wouldn't matter what people thought or said. I thin kI would handle things differently.

  3. Good first step .... I'm proud of you!

  4. I am truly sorry that happened to you. It just goes to show that Houses of God do not always house the Godliest of people, but why other Christians tolerate the persecutors in their house is beyond me. I always sensed there was more going on with you beneath the surface. It takes courage to do what you are doing. I am proud of you.

  5. GK Chesterson said, "The best and the worst things about Christianity are the Christians."

    My life is different 3 years later. More on that coming as my "comfort zone" allows. One step at a time. I'm in a MUCH better place now.