Fear... It can drive us or kill us.

FDR said in his first Inaugural address, [the] "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." It seems like a catch phrase that is used often, but do we remember who coined it first? IDK. "Fear" is something I have contemplated and spoke on many times before. AND it is something this week I have decided to cast out. Fear, get away from me! I've lived this way too long!

Dear Haters,

If you were a part of the group of people (it was a small group) who felt the need to belittle me and hate me and rip my self-esteem to shreds because of your own fear that I might "infect" the church, well the heck with you! You have no idea the mental anguish I have been through. You have no clue how hurtful your words and actions were. Had it not been for my son and his adoption, I might have done something drastic to myself. He was my tiny bit of light in a world of personal pain. Loving him got me through the darkest time of my life. I know I did not suffer like some do, but it hurt. I had no friends because they all turned away from me like I had the plague. With pity in their eyes they turned their backs on a friendship (that for some ) had built over ten years! Why? Because I wrote a book with gay characters. No one asked me why? No one wanted to understand by passion to write a book for a friend out of love in order to cheer him up in a time when he was down. No one cared about me. You all feared what my life represents. I love without pretense. (At least I am trying to. I know that is difficult to actually live out.) I also do not see my art (writing) as something that needs boundaries. I write what I feel. But because I wrote a story with gay characters suddenly I am the reason 3 boys are gay. Really? I didn't know I held that much power. Or you say I "fostered" their sexuality and influenced them. Really? Did you even ask their families about their life-history and see they were gay LONG before I met them. I can see now why people hate the church and Christians. We eat our own, as well as anyone who doesn't conform. Well guess what? That is not the Jesus I believe in. So maybe I don't fit your definition. If you want to hate me, go ahead. But don't attack my family because you disagree with ME. Leave them the ____ alone!

I am done hiding in fear for what you may do. And I could name names online if you like! You certainly had no problem threatening me with being drug in front of the entire congregation. A person should not fear their pastor. Do you realize what you did to my head? Whenever I hear a sermon now on fear or bitterness or hatred ONE NAME comes to mind. (Well, I can think of maybe 4 but the one is always first.) I don't fear God. I don't fear Satan. I don't fear death. I fear a stinking pastor because of how small and insignificant he made me feel. He ripped up my dreams and shattered my self-image.

No more!

~Sincerely,
Me

Here is the rest of the story in a nutshell for my fans and supporters and readers.... I was a youth leader. Some boys in my group turned out to be gay. I was accused of being the reason. The "fosterer" and the influencer. Really? Thank you all for that. But 3 years later I got a bigger picture of the corruption of that church and boy oh boy was it deeper and more wicked than I imagined. So, I decided to cast out fear because I no longer need to to hide. They may disagree with my "art" and my need to write stories that matter to people, but I will not deny who I am because of them.

I am in a different place in life now. I have people who matter to me. I have a pastor that is excited for me. I am not saying he would agree with everything I write, nor do I presume that he would endorse it if he read it. But I will say he is not afraid of me, of my writing, or my beliefs. I have a pastor now who I can talk to about life and trials and questions about God and he doesn't judge me. He doesn't cast me out because I'm doing something "wrong" in his sight. He wants to love me just as I am. In my mess, in my struggles, in my search to understand God. And this is true of many of my friends now. They love me for who I am.

I feel bad for those who go a lifetime and cannot find people like this. I know, and meet, people who have been hurt so much by other people and can't find a light in the darkness. I understand that. I've been there to some degree. This is what fuels my stories. This common struggle to find love in a world full of hatred.

So come with me. Those who dare. And find that we all feel like you do sometimes. We want to know love. And if it is male/male love or female/female love well, that happens. Because the human heart seeks love and sometimes the vessel is not the opposite gender. I write about the world I live in, and homosexuality is a part of that world. Surprise!

You haters who want to hurt me... don't. Take a look at your own heart first. Can you honestly say you are loving without condition and have no faults of your own to fix before you point out mine?

******** On a Side note  ******

I am going to be featured on The Face Of Gay by Kage Alan THIS SATURDAY! August 3, 2013

I talk about what I see as "the face of gay". Join me there!

Also, remember that The Cost of Loving is releasing August 16, 2013!! I am going to be blog hopping a little bit. I'll blog about that this week. I am going to be on Joyfully Jay and A Novel Approach. Hopefully a couple more too. We shall see.

This is just something I had to put out there in case I have repercussions for doing interviews again and putting my "face" online. I am going to post a picture of myself on Facebook for fans and readers and other authors to be able to find me at GRL. If I am targeted again by those in my town who hurt me 3 years ago, then be my witness, I will blog about it and post names! Hate is WRONG!

Laterz y'all.

Free from the bonds of secrecy :)

I know I've spoken before about this, but it is something that is very close to my heart and head and life that I am saying it again. Secrecy, hiding, lying, and deception even done by omission (Omitting the truth, not flat out lying.) is so painful and fettering. And I know that my pain is slight compared to people who have and do hide themselves in their lives all the time. How does one do that? And without seeming callus or insensitive, is that what it really feels like to be "in the closet" because truly I don't know. I can only surmise this from my person circumstance and experiences. I have had to "hide" myself for 3 years. From what? Accusations. Slander. Ridicule. Belittling comments and hurtful words. All because I think differently. I don't hold to the same beliefs as some. Mainly over LGBT rights, but I bet there are other issues that just never surfaced.

Have you read When Love is Not Enough? (WLINE) Jimmy is me. He kept his "worlds" separate. He lied intentionally, and unintentionally through habit to keep his life in the straight world completely separated from his life where he loved another boy. He was one way in the life where he lived with his mother. He was "freer" in a sense to be himself when with his father, but he never really allowed himself to let go. He still feared being caught. He hurt Darian because of that. And ultimately, he hurt himself. I was a writer who hid that fact from the world in my back yard. Why? Because I wrote gay characters. No, I'm not gay. But I chose to write something taboo and controversial here where I live because I was inspired. And as a creative person, I let the muse take me. I wrote the story that fell out of my mind without a care of where it lead. Homosexuality doesn't bother me. People fall in love and I wanted to write a story reflecting that. Man & Man, woman & woman, doesn't matter to me. I wrote a story for a friend because I wanted to bring him some joy. Romance makes people smile, right? It is supposed to. He is gay. So it made sense to write a GAY romance. Why write something he can't relate to? It was a great story, but one that "got out" and people I knew looked down upon me. I was suddenly evil in their eyes condoning homosexuality and fostering it in people I barely knew to the point of infecting the church. (Note: this is what I was told.)

If I lived in a vacuum (or simply by myself) I would have been able to weather that storm much easier. As it was and is I have a family. I wanted to protect them too. So, I gave in to the demands placed on me to conform. Conforming to what "society" wants or what the "church" wants (in my case) was very  binding. I felt trapped in my own skin. I had ideas and stories that wanted out of my head. I kept thinking of characters that wanted to speak freely, but couldn't for fear of rejection. So, I hid myself and wrote WLINE. Out of pain I FELT I wrote it and poured my hidden feelings into my GAY characters. Why gay? Because if I was persecuted so harshly and I am NOT gay, then HOLY SHIT what was it like for people who were/are? It must be 10x more painful.

3 years passes.... Present day. I had lunch with people I had to cut out of my life by default. Out of fear, I couldn't talk to them. But as I have said in previous blogs, I am breaking loose of fear. I am in a different place in life. I feel I am able to be myself in a way that I never could years ago. I am also happier than I have ever been because of it. Is it perfect yet? Um, NO! I have a lot of work to do. Letting go of fear and bitterness and hatred is very hard to do. I want to attribute my change to God because I believe God sustains all things. (others to do hold this belief and that is your personal journey through life.) God has brought me were I am and given me some incredible stories to tell. And I want to write them! I want to write LIFE as I see it.

The Cost of Loving is my "church" experience. Matt and his family live what I went through is many many ways. Emotional struggles and personal struggles etc. I write my feelings. I always have done that. I have gay characters because I see that the LGBT community is where cultural struggle is right now. Gay rights, gay marriage etc is where the issues are struggling to be heard. And in some countries, LGBT are the community of people most persecuted. Perhaps my characters will change as time goes on, but right now I feel passionate about writing the societal issues I witness into GAY characters. They seem the best fit.

Merging my real, personal life with that of my "writer" personality is unusual and different for me. Soon, there may not be any difference at all. I like the name Wade and I think I want to go by that. I had another pen-name years ago and used to introduce myself by that name all the time. So, can't I be Wade? (Wade Wells from Sliders was cool.)

I want to be comfortable being stopped on the street and asked for an autograph. HAHA. But not like to the point of NOT wanting to go out in public. I would just like to be comfortable being ME, and comfortable if the world knows who "ME" is. Does that make sense?

Anyway... I'm gonna go. I have a lunch thing with Writers and Readers in the DC metro M/M group. I am meeting online personalities in the flesh for the first time. Should be exciting and fun!

Bye.

xxooxx Wade

Books I need to read before GRL

OKAY… If you look at the list below and then compare that with my track-record for reading books, you will see that there is a high probability that I’m on drugs while making this list of “read BEFORE GRL”… HAHAHA.

In theory, I would LOVE to read these before I go to Atlanta because I’d like to meet these authors. (Or, in the case of some, I promised to read them before October 17.) The books on the list are one ones I currently own or have pre-ordered. I probably have more I’d like to read, but I don’t plan on buying MORE before GRL. I might just end up buying books down in Atlanta.

My list: (*Note: they may NOT get read in this order, but I will THINK about reading them in this order.)

1.     FINISH Second Chances by T.A. Webb

2.     Play Me I’m Yours by Madison Parker

3.     Sno Ho by Ethan Day

4.     Zombie Boyz That group of guys. You know who they are.

5.     Aaron by J.P. Barnaby

6.     18% Gray by Anne Tenino

7.     Catch My Breath by MJ O’Shea

8.     Adder by Ally Blue

9.     Tell Me It’s Real by TJ Klune

10. Trust Me by Jeff Erno

11. From The Ashes by Kayla Jameth

12. Stubborn Heart by Ken Murphy

13. Love Like Water by Rowen Speedwell

14. Galley Proof by Eric Arvin

15. Keeping Promise Rock by Amy Lane

16. Cut and Run

17. Pitch by Will Parkenson (pre-ordered)

18. Don’t trust the Cut by Kade Boehme (I actually need to buy it first.)  Read 10/4/13

19. Disasterology 101 by Taylor Donovan (I don’t have this one either)

WOW. So these are ALL the books I desire to read before October 17^th, PLUS I want to finish writing Names Can Never Hurt Me. HAHHAHAHAA. I crack myself up! Who knows what I will read and write between now and then, right? What I need to do is just simply try. I need to KEEP WRITING! Everyday! And maybe when NCNHM is submitted I can take a week and read my eyes out. IDK.

All I know is that there are a large number of authors I would like to meet, take a picture of or with, and maybe get an autograph. See, I can be a “fan” too! :p So who does THIS author want to meet? Well, all of them, really. 100 isn’t too hard to meet in 4 days. But if I had to name names I would say the following are the ones I have heard of the most, read or plan to read soon, talked to online, or have met already.

Eric Arvin, J. P. Barnaby, Ally Blue, Kade Boehme, Mary Calmes, Heidi Cullinan, Ethan Day, Taylor V. Donovan, Jeff Erno, Jacob Flores, Andrew Grey, Laura Harner, Kaje Harper, Jordan L. Hawk, Kiernan Kelly, K-lee Klein, TJ Klune, Geoffrey Knight, Marguerite Labbe, Z.A. Maxfield, K.A. Mitchell , Cherie Noel, M.J. O'Shea, Madison Parker, Erica Pike, Rick R. Reed, Abigail Roux, Marie Sexton, Rowan Speedwell, Damon Suede, Anne Tenino, Aleksandr Voinov, Eden Winters, T.A. Webb, Sara York, …

I asked on FB who was going but not listed on the GRL “author” list. (Because I’m going but I’m not an official “author”.) I forget who said they would be there. You can comment below. Remind me how stupid I can be sometimes. I am looking forward to meeting ALL these people and more.

If you are a fan and not an author, remember I will be there! I can’t officially walk around with swag and hand out or sell books and stuff. (I didn’t sign up for that because I’m poor this year. Maybe next year!) But I can sign stuff if you bring it. I might even have a pen to sign with and hand you to take home. :D I will post a picture of some T-shirts I’ll be wearing, and maybe even a picture of myself on FB. You’ll be able to find me. If you are going to be there, let me know and I’ll look for you! I am making a list. (I didn’t look at the FB list before writing this blog.)

I have awesome fans. I know this! You keep encouraging me over and over and over again! You keep buying my books and asking for more. So, I’m trying. I am working on one now. I picked NCNHM because it was the one that was the closest to being finished and the characters, Nick and RC, were talking to me a TON lately. Okay? This one will be funny and serious at the same time. I hope you like it. I am having some fun writing it.

Blurb:

Dubbed a “player” early on in life, constant sex has never been a problem for Nick—until now.

Nick Jenkins couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t popular, when he wasn’t the best looking guy in the room, nor could he recall ever having to coax a woman into bed with him. And recently, Nick even added guys to the list of “been there—done that” when kissing Corey on a dare led to much more and on several occasions. His reputation to “screw anything” was well known, and he didn’t care. So why was the attention of someone new causing such consternation?

RC was a mystery from the moment they met. A frequent customer where Nick worked, getting to know RC was interesting, yet incremental due to the fact that he wasn’t in the “in crowd.” RC was overweight, always sweaty, and lived up to the nickname “scruffy dude.” Still, Nick could not let go of his deep longing for friendship, even if that friendship was with a loser.

Then, Nick finds out his new friend is gay. Will Nick look past the superficial and take hold of a connection deeper than he’s ever known before? Or will external pressures of social conformity win out—snuffing the fire before it ignites his soul.

Word count 55.3k and counting.

Well, That’s all for now! The Cost of Loving will be available in 24 days! GRL is in 86 days. If you buy a paperback from Dreamspinner Press, the first 20 are already signed. (As far as I know. I signed vellum sheets for that.) OR you can bring it to be personalized. (I am bringing a few of my favorites to have signed. Crossing Border by ZA Maxfield is one.) Or I can sign your copy of When Love Is Not Enough, or My Roommate’s a Jock. I’ll sign whatever you want! Even the shirt on you back. LOL!!!! I’d love to meet those fans and readers who make my dream possible—writing!

Laterz,

Wade

By all means, follow me on Twitter, "follow" my BLOG, "like" me on Facebook, add me to your "circles" on Google+, check out my pins on Pinterest, review my books on Goodreads; and by all means, check my webpage often for changes.

Check out my books: My Roommate's a Jock? Well, Crap! and When Love is Not Enough. Also: PRE-ORDER The Cost of Loving. Hahaha. Read, review, or question me about them. If you like what you read, I’d love for you to be a “FAN” of mine on Goodreads.com. Thanks so much!

August 16th is the day! Release... has never felt so sweet.

Yes, after TWO FREAKIN' LONG YEARS The Cost of Loving will finally be coming out! In fact, it was listed on Dreamspinner's "coming soon" page today! This has been one of those books that has been a frustration, a letdown, a challenge, and a learning experience.

First, the cover... Done by Enny Kraft and gorgeous!

The cover was done LAST SUMMER! And like an idiot I revealed it to the world. NEVER DO THIS! If you are an author, revealing the cover without a contract is NOT GOOD. I was waaaay to hopeful and not smart about it. It got people all excited. They loved the cover, and then the release didn't come, and still didn't, and wasn't going to happen soon. It was very disappointing. For me as well as for you. I REALLY thought TCOL would have come out last fall. I really did. I thought, "I have an editor. She'll take, what, a couple weeks? I'll self-publish. It will be cake!" Well, my cake looked like o pool of melted ice-cream. She (the editor) took over six months! The Cost of Loving was a nightmare of grammar problems and plot details. I had to rewrite two chapters. Then the ending was NOT what readers want and I had to rethink it. I spent lots of time (and money) to get this book "ready" to submit again. It had been rejected three times at this point. (The point where I decided I needed a professional editor.) Authors and rejection, although they seem to go along together often, do NOT like each other. We don't mix. There is seething hatred for the word "rejection", yet one we can't avoid and have to tolerate and accept else we drown in despair. So, I prematurely released the cover and the book never came out. I think I crushed everyone. So-I'm learning. Forgive me, but I am learning.

It was also a big letdown to have written something very close to my heart and hear from an editor it (basically) sucks. When I was rejected (3 times) no one said WHY. Well, all the little things that added up to big things that the editor found wrong told me why. I can't write! Well, I can, but I can't edit worth crap! It is really hard for me to notice the missing details and character issues, not to mention the grammar mistakes. So, more learning for Wade! And the editor's comments and corrections came not to long after I had gone over editor revisions with DSP for Jock. So I was seeing patterns that I have. Things I ALWAYS get wrong. I have a list now. Words I misspell. Words I use wrong. The list is way too long. The next challenge will be seeing if my "learning process" took as I write the next one. I'm working on Names Can Never Hurt Me. It's at 48k; half-way done. We shall see if my editorial experience paid off. PLUS, I'm taking a class this fall--Modern English Grammar--so maybe I will learn a thing or two about grammar. IDK.

Anyway.... My release day is AUGUST 16, 2013! The Cost Of Loving. HERE is the eBook link. The paperback says it has 350 pages. A long book! Enny Kraft is the cover designer. So glad to see her name listed!

This is the book blurb:

Matt Dixon, a young firefighter, is the golden child of his family, and he never dreamed that coming out would challenge more than the way his church sees him. 

For years, Matt has led a double life hoping to avoid ridicule. When a self-righteous pastor’s statements provoke him to defend his recently deceased best friend’s honor and subsequently out himself, he suffers the brutal aftermath of his revelation. Everyone in his life, including his family and his new lover, Darian, must deal with the ramifications as Matt struggles to come to terms with guilt, shame, and his very belief in God. 

Darian Weston lost his fiancé when Jamie took his life, and his feelings for Matt added guilt to his burden of grief. Confused and lonely, Darian clings to Matt despite his inner strife. But small-town realities keep intruding, and if Matt and Darian hope to make a life together, they must first take a stand for what they believe in, even if they fear the cost.

There IS a "pre order" button; I didn't see it the first time. :p

Thanks for your patience and support. Without YOU, the readers and fans, I'm not sure I could have made it this far. Thank you! Thank you! You are the best!

Hugs,
Wade

Making a Name for Myself

How does one make a name for themselves? I don't know. I did read a blog (yesterday, I think,) that Jacob Flores wrote about creating an online presence and the importance of it, especially for a writer. I can relate! It made me think about how hard it is to GET an audience. I write blogs, but really very few people read them. Yes, I have fans, but in the scheme of things even a few hundred is laughable compared to the amount of readers there are in the world. This does NOT mean that I am ungrateful for those I have, don't hear that, but if I am going to make it as a successful writer, I need to have a larger, growing fan-base. I have to start with a good story. I write it. Then I have to get a publisher to accept it. Often times a publisher is considering the "salability" of it. If it WILL sell, (in their opinion,) then they are more likely to contract it. (See, it all really does come down to money at some level.) If they contract it and it is not selling, then the likelihood of buying the next novel diminishes. So part of being "famous" is learning how to play the game enough to establish a fan-base and a market for my stuff. It never starts with "write it and they will come." In the real world the author has to establish their abilities first. If I, (or any author,) knock their socks off, then at some point I can write whatever I want and the readers will buy it. I'm not to that point yet. I am in some sense because I do have about 150 readers/fans who seem to thirst for my words. You are the ones that keep me going. I DID sell 1000s of copies of "Jock"(My Roommate's a Jock? Well, Crap!), but of those 1000s how many are true fans and how many thought, "Eh, Jock was good, but i'm not really interested in the author THAT much to read about suicide."(Because I know that thought happens.)

When Love is Not Enough (WLINE) is not only about suicide. It is about loss. It is about choices and pressure. It is about acceptance and a strong desire for parental approval. My fear is that people are so scared of WLINE that they shy away and in doing so will not want to buy or read the sequel. The Cost of Loving (TCOL) is my next release. It is coming soon. August 2013!! If you don't read WLINE, would you read TCOL? I DID try very hard to include enough backstory and references from WLINE to make the book pretty stand-aloneish. I think, and the DSP editor thought, that it was done well enough to be read on it's own for those who did not read the first book. It picks up the very next day after WLINE. For those who haven't read WLINE, this is the BEST time to read it. If you read WLINE now, then you will not have to wait for the sequel, the continuation, very long. I have fans who have been waiting for Matt and Darian for 2 years and they are still excited and anticipating it. They haven't given up on me. It was totally NOT my intent to wait this long. I am so sorry for that. But I think that it is coming out at the best time. It is a MUCH better story than it was 2 years ago. I have worked long and hard on it to get it where it is now. I spent $2000 on editing. I put sweat and tears into this. (No blood.) It is a very personal story and even now, two years later, rips my heart out to read it.

Jock was terrific because it got my name out there on a wider scale. Many more people read that then WLINE. But I don't want you to judge all my writing based on Jock. That was my light "break" when I had been writing dark stuff for too long. In theory, I want book 3 to me my magnum opus, but I think that is putting undue pressure on myself. I have to let the words fall where they may. I am technically working on three books at the same time. Right now, Names Can Never Hurt Me is the one on the tip of my brain. The characters (Nick and RC,) are talking to me so I just want to let it happen. What will I publish next all depends on which characters make their presence known long enough to finish a book. My GOAL was to finish writing two books this year. So far, I have never done that. I wrote WLINE in  2010. I wrote the first draft of TCOL in 2011. I wrote Jock in 2012. What have I written in 2013? Nothing. Not fully. I have loads of ideas, and I started writing 2 last fall, but I have yet to complete one. The goal is 2. Can I do it? IDK. Right now I am just trying to allow my creative mind to flow because i have a habit of squelching creativity due to pressure I put on myself. I am really my OWN worst enemy.

Speaking of being hard on myself.... I all too often compare myself to others and I can't figure out how people do it! How do authors find time to write? How do moms find time for themselves when they work and raise children? How does anyone make time to sleep and eat and write and take care of a family? I DON'T KNOW! My "pendulum" swings between Family & Myself. There are times when I am totally on top of taking care of the kids, the finances, the house, the laundry, the cooking etc, but I take NO TIME for myself. None! Then I swing the other way and I am thinking only about ME. And when I say ME, I mean writing because writing is what I want to spend ALL my free time doing. But when I spend ALL my time writing, then nothing else gets done. And sometimes, when writing, I get angry when I am interrupted. I want silence to allow the words to flow.

But see, these extremes both have issues. At the moment, I think my pendulum is close to the center of the curve. I am working on the balance of writing/ me-time and family. This is the biggest challenge I think I've given myself because I am trying to juggle it all. THEN in late August/September I start a college class. Can I add that and not go insane? IDK. All I know is that I have to make this work. I have to find time to do ALL of it at the same time. A little bit everyday. It helps that my son says he is proud of me. It REALLY helps. My children all seem to understand that I have to write or nothing else gets published. Eventually, I hope to have that same support from my husband. So far, it's not there. He is getting there. When I actually made a paycheck over $40.00 I think he started thinking of writing as a job. (See, all back to money.) So I need to keep writing and publishing so that maybe one day he will take me seriously. Maybe one day HE will say he is proud of me. Right now, I am just super thankful for my son. I need him and love him more than anything. (Well, I love my daughters too. I can't forget them, but they are younger and don't understand my dreams like my son does.)

Back to the subject of making a name for myself. Jacob, on his blog, talks about interacting online and the significance of getting to know fans and people in general as opposed to self-promotion tactics. I try not to ONLY self promote because as Jacob points out, it is really annoying. I have (sometimes) "friended" someone online and the first thing I get is an e-mail or a post on my wall thanking me for the friendship and a link to where I can check out their books. REALLY? I kind of hate that. I don't want to be like that. I try NOT to self promote all the time. I post reviews because I find them exciting. I post news of my upcoming book because I need to let you all know it is coming. But mainly I post links to my blog. This blog. The blog only about 50 people read. How to I grow a fan base?

I am going to try and talk about the blog on FB. Problem is that not all of you have an FB page. Some are just on Twitter. Some are just one GR. How do I hit everyone? IDK.

This is the book I am working on: Name Can Never Hurt Me.

Dubbed a “player” early on in life, constant sex has never been a problem for Nick—until now.

Nick Jenkins couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t popular, when he wasn’t the best looking guy in the room, nor could he recall ever having to coax a woman into bed with him. And recently, Nick even added guys to the list of “been there—done that” when kissing Corey on a dare led to much more and on several occasions. His reputation to “screw anything” was well known, and he didn’t care. So why was the attention of someone new causing such consternation?

RC was a mystery from the moment they met. A frequent customer where Nick worked, getting to know RC was interesting, yet incremental due to the fact that he wasn’t in the “in crowd.” RC was overweight, always sweaty, and lived up to the nickname “scruffy dude.” Still, Nick could not let go of his deep longing for friendship, even if that friendship was with a loser.

Then, Nick finds out his new friend is gay. Will Nick look past the superficial and take hold of a connection deeper than he’s ever known before? Or will external pressures of social conformity win out—snuffing the fire before it ignites his soul.

Other thoughts that I want to talk about in a future blog are GRL and who I want to meet, the release date of TCOL, and the reluctance I have to post a picture online (So people know who I am.) What is something YOU all want to talk about? Comment.

~Wade

My life as a serial killer.

So, I’ve been addicted lately to the show Dexter. I don’t know what possessed me to watch it exactly; all I know is that there were several people I know who said they liked it and I thought, “what the heck, I’m sick, I’ll watch it.” (Except I think I started before I was sick, idk.) Whatever or however I started doesn’t matter the point is I got hooked. I mean HOOKED!!! This is a great show. I was sucked in at the start. Which, let’s face it, is the point of a pilot. If the pilot of a new TV show doesn’t do it then that show fails. Totally. There have been pilots that have not done it for me and friends swear I have to give the show another try. True Blood I could NOT get into. Just… um, NO. I thought it was poor acting and bad plot. Meh, so-so writing. Just not my bag. Then I tried Walking Dead. I couldn’t do it. MAYBE I’ll try again. People tell me a lot “you’ll love it!” Really?? Okay, maybe I’ll try again. Sometime. And even Supernatural was not all that and a bag of chips. So, for some reason I started on Dexter.

Season 1. Awesome! Sucked me in and kept me there on the edge of my seat. Fresh, new, and somewhat unpredictable. I like to be surprised. It was good!

Season 2 & 3: Good. I was somewhat let down because season 1 was so great that the OKAYNESS of 2&3 just had me watching to see what happened next. I still liked it. I still wanted to watch, but it wasn’t that same “awesome” level as season 1.

Then I got to season 4. OH MY GOSH!!!! One word—Brilliant! Written so freakin’ well! On the edge of my seat. HAD to watch the next episode. Heart pounding in anticipation. It was GREAT! Could not get better.

Season 5… hahhaha. The word that came to mind was FUN. This show is simply FUN. Which sounds so odd since it is about a serial killer. Dexter is just plain fun. I loved this season! Different twists. Unpredictable. Fun!

Now I am up to season 6. I am slowing down because there are not that many seasons left. I don’t want to run out too fast. I have to make it last. Plus, after watching Season 5, I don’t want a let down. And I don’t want to lose the rush I felt watching 5. So, I’m taking a break.

While I break, I’m gonna write.

It is funny that what comes to mind is a blog on how my life is like Dexter’s. The problem Dexter had with Rita was he never showed his true self. Partly, Dexter feared that if Rita knew, or the people in his life “knew”,  then they would hate him, despise him and reject him. I see that in ME. I have this whole other side of ME that I never show. Or hadn’t shown to people in years. They only saw the side I chose to let out. It is not my “dark passenger”like Dexter's, but it is a passenger of sorts that some people will not get, & will not understand. Maybe I could call it my “kinky passenger.” (Not that I write BDSM, I'm just sayin'...) Not ALL writers of gay fiction write sex scenes. True. But a fair number of them do. Or romance writers of any genre whether it is straight or gay. If you mention “romance” at all, the assumption is “SEX”. Am I wrong? The stigma that M/M romantic fiction has to struggle to get past is that it is all about sex and there is no plot. I BEG TO DIFFER. Although I have read plenty out there that is focused on the sensuality, the plots are getting more involved all the time. Authors are writing better novels. Publishers, with some exceptions, are publishing better books. It is NOT about the sex, it is about the plot, the characters, and the development of the story.

For me, it is always about the story because I strive to tell a tale out of my own life. (of sorts.) I write from my experiences in different ways. I CHOOSE to write through gay characters. (And the explanation of why to that question has been given in previous blogs.) But in writing gay fiction, there is a stigma. If I wore a shirt that read “I write gay sex”, then people would look at me funny. Like Dexter wearing “I murder people”. (Although, if I end up writing horror, I might have to wear a shirt that says that. Lol) I just can’t go around wearing my declaration for everyone to see. I am selective. I don’t hide like I used to. I think that is why I could relate to Dexter season 5. It was fun, and it was also familiar. Dexter found someone who knew him for who he was and did not shrink away. (I have found the same.) Lumen didn’t judge or try to change Dexter. She accepted him. And without giving away spoilers, it didn’t trun out all roses. Dexter still had the dark passenger to live with and life was still a series of challenges for him to consider how to take, one at a time.

Me too. There are people in my life now who accept me for who I am. Like Dexter though, I am still cautious. I still have to choose who is “safe” to share my “secrete” with. Not everyone can handle my “kinky passenger”. Some people are fine only knowing I write for a living. They don’t have to know WHAT I write. I am working on using the advice my therapist gave me and opening up to some people, not ALL people. I need to be stealthy sometimes. Maybe I could type in black leather gloves? Haha.

Dexter also has a certain amount of anxiety when he can’t kill. His need overtakes him. He HAS to do it. Me too. I have to write. I think it is another commonality because there are those who just don’t get that. A writer writes. Right? Well, if I don’t it hurts. It hurts me mentally and sometimes physically. I feel it like withdraw. I get edgy and frustrated because there is something inside that has to come out. With Dexter the darkness grips him. With me, it is my characters. And in the case of Darian, maybe it is darkness that grips me too. I need to let it out!

I think I have been so long writing because I am wondering what to write. I have 3 stories I am working on, but for me it is the content. I don’t want fluff. I don’t want to write drivel. I don’t want to write what everyone else writes. So, how to I write a gripping tale that is meaningful? IDK. I’m not out to write words for the sake of a word count. I want the words to count for themselves. Ya know?

I guess that is where I am. I am carefully considering the words because I want the novels to get better as I go. I don’t want to publish crap just to have one more out there.

Other news, I have the galley proof of The Cost of Loving. (Which is basically a pdf form showing the fonts and formatting that need a once-over to make sure I’m okay with everything.) I should get a release date soon. The last time I got a galley proof I got a date for Jock less than a week later for a release about a month from that. So, we are looking at mid-August ish. I will blog and shout out loud as soon as I know the exact date!!! Now I have to think about interviews or blogs or giveaways to get readers interested in me and my writing. TELL ME: What got YOU interested in picking up a Wade Kelly book when I was “unknown” to you? Do you have any idea who I can reach readers? What makes readers give a new author a chance? Just wondering.

Catch ya laterz,

Wade

Note: 9500 pageviews and counting on my blog. Thanks ya’ll!!

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Check out my books: My Roommate's a Jock? Well, Crap! and When Love is Not Enough. Read, review, or question me about them. If you like what you read, I’d love for you to be a “FAN” of mine on Goodreads.com. Thanks so much!

Me, an inspiration?

The very thought is mind-boggling sometimes. I guess part of it comes from a damaged self-esteem. Ya see, when someone stalks you, wrongly accuses you, and makes you feel insignificant and small it is hard to think any better of yourself. It is easier to believe lies than to think there is anything good you can contribute. I believed the wrong people. I trusted the wrong people. I have been hiding in fear from destructive people full of hatred and judgment.  Has anyone out there felt like this? Have you been made to feel small and evil and unnecessary? Have you been told your life is worthless, your dreams are worthless? I was. I have given in to that assertion for years.

What makes the tide change? What turns that self-hatred born out of ridicule into a positive force bent on changing the world one reader at a time? IDK. I think there are several factors at work in my life that have tried to balance the upset that started in 2010. Finding people who understand me was a huge one. But finding those people without looking was even more meaningful. Personally, I attribute that to God. I believe in God. I believe in His healing and power and grace and mercy and, overall, I believe in God’s sovereignty. That does NOT mean that I fully understand God or how He works. I’m often confused. I go through pain like most people, but pain and trials haven’t deterred me from the faith I have.

When everyone seemed like they were against me, I pushed on. I knew I had a purpose. I found it in writing. I found freedom in the words that fall from my mind. My therapist asked me where I thought I got my inspiration. I answered truthfully: From God. I never found writing easy or freeing until I let go and wrote whatever came to mind no matter the content or the plot or the controversy surrounding it. I felt driven to make people think. There are waaaay too many stigmas out there. Waaay to many people assuming things about others. I want to speak to the oddities and inexplicable conundrums of life. I want to talk about real the struggles and the real questions people have because I have those same questions. Most people want to know WHY? So do I. Half the time I don’t know “why” about anything. So I explore the deep thoughts I have. … lol, they are not always “deep” as evidenced by JOCK. 

But I want to make a difference. I want to feel like I have meaning in my life.

That does not conversely suggest that I do not find meaning in anything else in my life. I DO. My children hold tremendous amounts of meaning for me! But I think that using a talent, which was bestowed by God, holds meaning too. (Derived from my belief we are made by God, and that we ALL have talents in SOMETHING.) I may not have my talent honed like Stephan King, but we all have to start somewhere. Some people, like maybe Beethoven, come out of the womb creating magic. Others need time to cultivate it. Art can be learned, but I think raw materials lie dormant in the “artful” mind that rise to the surface at some point. When the raw materials are seen and grasped, then they can be transformed into something more powerful. <Insert chemistry lesson here. Perhaps something on bleach and ammonia but I’m not that clever, really> LOL!

So, why did I start this blog today? To talk about an e-mail (FB message) I received recently. I often get random e-mails from people. I AM an author and sometimes people are motivated enough to mention that they liked something I wrote. (Do NOT hear this as a blasé attitude toward compliments because I live for them!) I get emails that thank me for writing my stories and I cherish those messages. However, this was the first time someone said… well, what he said.

At around 4pm yesterday I get this message: “Hello, my name is Justin. … I just wanted to say that I love your book ‘My Roommates a Jock? Well Crap!’ I'm not done reading it yet, but I'm loving every page I read. The biggest reason why I'm saying this is because I never liked reading until I started reading your book this year. So thank you very much. I can't wait to read other books you've written.”

My response to that was, “Wait… What? You didn’t like reading?”

We conversed for a bit (love FB IM) and it sounded to me like he was a young writer newly discovering his talents and exploring the concept of actually being good at poetry. (Haven’t all writers been there. Can you empathize? Can you encourage? Can you shout out, “You go, Justin!”?) I WAS THERE. Before 2006 I never completed anything I ever started. Until 2006 I didn’t know I had it in me. Of course it was rough and raw and in need of major edits but it was the moment of epiphany when I could say I wrote an entire story. ME!!!

When Justin sent me that comment, it also brought back the precise memory of THAT BOOK. Not the one I finished writing in 2006 that proved I had finishing power, but that one book from years prior that showed me I liked to read. That ONE BOOK that showed me not everything in school was like Hiroshima, The Red Badge of Courage, or Animal Farm. Not that those books are bad, they aren’t, they are classics, right? But to me I never knew anything else existed until I found The Black Cauldron by Lloyd Alexander on the bookshelf of the school library. I never read fantasy until that book! True, it was a children’s fantasy novel far below my grade reading-level, AND it was the second book in a series (I hadn’t read the first), but it struck me. So  I read it and loved it! It was THE BOOK! From there I learned that I liked reading. Because of The Black Cauldron I soon found David Eddings, Raymond Feist, R.A. Salvatore, Grant Naylor, and Tad Williams. I found that reading wasn’t boring, it was merely the topics I found boring in the novels I was “supposed to” read. The Black Cauldron opened up Science Fiction and Fantasy to me and THAT was AWESOMNICITY!

Who knows? Without discovering reading and the realms of possibility that lurked in fiction, I may have never found Joss Whedon! (What a tragedy that would have been!) *note: Had to throw in Buffy reference because I'm an addict*

So when Justin said he learned he liked reading because he is loving MY BOOK, I felt that tingle of accomplishment. I gave a person that same feeling that Lloyd Alexander gave me. What writer doesn’t feel satisfaction in that? So thank you, Justin. You put a smile on my face and in turn I hope to put more words to pages. I will continue to write the things that mean something to me because someone out there will find meaning in them, I am sure of it! I don't write just for the sake of writing, but for the sake of purpose and fulfillment. And to one day make a difference and impact the world for good. One reader at a time.

Thank you all for dropping by!

Wade