Monday, July 29, 2013

Fear... It can drive us or kill us.

FDR said in his first Inaugural address, [the] "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." It seems like a catch phrase that is used often, but do we remember who coined it first? IDK. "Fear" is something I have contemplated and spoke on many times before. AND it is something this week I have decided to cast out. Fear, get away from me! I've lived this way too long!

Dear Haters,

If you were a part of the group of people (it was a small group) who felt the need to belittle me and hate me and rip my self-esteem to shreds because of your own fear that I might "infect" the church, well the heck with you! You have no idea the mental anguish I have been through. You have no clue how hurtful your words and actions were. Had it not been for my son and his adoption, I might have done something drastic to myself. He was my tiny bit of light in a world of personal pain. Loving him got me through the darkest time of my life. I know I did not suffer like some do, but it hurt. I had no friends because they all turned away from me like I had the plague. With pity in their eyes they turned their backs on a friendship (that for some ) had built over ten years! Why? Because I wrote a book with gay characters. No one asked me why? No one wanted to understand by passion to write a book for a friend out of love in order to cheer him up in a time when he was down. No one cared about me. You all feared what my life represents. I love without pretense. (At least I am trying to. I know that is difficult to actually live out.) I also do not see my art (writing) as something that needs boundaries. I write what I feel. But because I wrote a story with gay characters suddenly I am the reason 3 boys are gay. Really? I didn't know I held that much power. Or you say I "fostered" their sexuality and influenced them. Really? Did you even ask their families about their life-history and see they were gay LONG before I met them. I can see now why people hate the church and Christians. We eat our own, as well as anyone who doesn't conform. Well guess what? That is not the Jesus I believe in. So maybe I don't fit your definition. If you want to hate me, go ahead. But don't attack my family because you disagree with ME. Leave them the ____ alone!

I am done hiding in fear for what you may do. And I could name names online if you like! You certainly had no problem threatening me with being drug in front of the entire congregation. A person should not fear their pastor. Do you realize what you did to my head? Whenever I hear a sermon now on fear or bitterness or hatred ONE NAME comes to mind. (Well, I can think of maybe 4 but the one is always first.) I don't fear God. I don't fear Satan. I don't fear death. I fear a stinking pastor because of how small and insignificant he made me feel. He ripped up my dreams and shattered my self-image.

No more!


Here is the rest of the story in a nutshell for my fans and supporters and readers.... I was a youth leader. Some boys in my group turned out to be gay. I was accused of being the reason. The "fosterer" and the influencer. Really? Thank you all for that. But 3 years later I got a bigger picture of the corruption of that church and boy oh boy was it deeper and more wicked than I imagined. So, I decided to cast out fear because I no longer need to to hide. They may disagree with my "art" and my need to write stories that matter to people, but I will not deny who I am because of them.

I am in a different place in life now. I have people who matter to me. I have a pastor that is excited for me. I am not saying he would agree with everything I write, nor do I presume that he would endorse it if he read it. But I will say he is not afraid of me, of my writing, or my beliefs. I have a pastor now who I can talk to about life and trials and questions about God and he doesn't judge me. He doesn't cast me out because I'm doing something "wrong" in his sight. He wants to love me just as I am. In my mess, in my struggles, in my search to understand God. And this is true of many of my friends now. They love me for who I am.

I feel bad for those who go a lifetime and cannot find people like this. I know, and meet, people who have been hurt so much by other people and can't find a light in the darkness. I understand that. I've been there to some degree. This is what fuels my stories. This common struggle to find love in a world full of hatred.

So come with me. Those who dare. And find that we all feel like you do sometimes. We want to know love. And if it is male/male love or female/female love well, that happens. Because the human heart seeks love and sometimes the vessel is not the opposite gender. I write about the world I live in, and homosexuality is a part of that world. Surprise!

You haters who want to hurt me... don't. Take a look at your own heart first. Can you honestly say you are loving without condition and have no faults of your own to fix before you point out mine?

******** On a Side note  ******

I am going to be featured on The Face Of Gay by Kage Alan THIS SATURDAY! August 3, 2013

I talk about what I see as "the face of gay". Join me there!

Also, remember that The Cost of Loving is releasing August 16, 2013!! I am going to be blog hopping a little bit. I'll blog about that this week. I am going to be on Joyfully Jay and A Novel Approach. Hopefully a couple more too. We shall see.

This is just something I had to put out there in case I have repercussions for doing interviews again and putting my "face" online. I am going to post a picture of myself on Facebook for fans and readers and other authors to be able to find me at GRL. If I am targeted again by those in my town who hurt me 3 years ago, then be my witness, I will blog about it and post names! Hate is WRONG!

Laterz y'all.

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