I know I've spoken before about this, but it is something that is very close to my heart and head and life that I am saying it again. Secrecy, hiding, lying, and deception even done by omission (Omitting the truth, not flat out lying.) is so painful and fettering. And I know that my pain is slight compared to people who have and do hide themselves in their lives all the time. How does one do that? And without seeming callus or insensitive, is that what it really feels like to be "in the closet" because truly I don't know. I can only surmise this from my person circumstance and experiences. I have had to "hide" myself for 3 years. From what? Accusations. Slander. Ridicule. Belittling comments and hurtful words. All because I think differently. I don't hold to the same beliefs as some. Mainly over LGBT rights, but I bet there are other issues that just never surfaced.
Have you read When Love is Not Enough? (WLINE) Jimmy is me. He kept his "worlds" separate. He lied intentionally, and unintentionally through habit to keep his life in the straight world completely separated from his life where he loved another boy. He was one way in the life where he lived with his mother. He was "freer" in a sense to be himself when with his father, but he never really allowed himself to let go. He still feared being caught. He hurt Darian because of that. And ultimately, he hurt himself. I was a writer who hid that fact from the world in my back yard. Why? Because I wrote gay characters. No, I'm not gay. But I chose to write something taboo and controversial here where I live because I was inspired. And as a creative person, I let the muse take me. I wrote the story that fell out of my mind without a care of where it lead. Homosexuality doesn't bother me. People fall in love and I wanted to write a story reflecting that. Man & Man, woman & woman, doesn't matter to me. I wrote a story for a friend because I wanted to bring him some joy. Romance makes people smile, right? It is supposed to. He is gay. So it made sense to write a GAY romance. Why write something he can't relate to? It was a great story, but one that "got out" and people I knew looked down upon me. I was suddenly evil in their eyes condoning homosexuality and fostering it in people I barely knew to the point of infecting the church. (Note: this is what I was told.)
If I lived in a vacuum (or simply by myself) I would have been able to weather that storm much easier. As it was and is I have a family. I wanted to protect them too. So, I gave in to the demands placed on me to conform. Conforming to what "society" wants or what the "church" wants (in my case) was very binding. I felt trapped in my own skin. I had ideas and stories that wanted out of my head. I kept thinking of characters that wanted to speak freely, but couldn't for fear of rejection. So, I hid myself and wrote WLINE. Out of pain I FELT I wrote it and poured my hidden feelings into my GAY characters. Why gay? Because if I was persecuted so harshly and I am NOT gay, then HOLY SHIT what was it like for people who were/are? It must be 10x more painful.
3 years passes.... Present day. I had lunch with people I had to cut out of my life by default. Out of fear, I couldn't talk to them. But as I have said in previous blogs, I am breaking loose of fear. I am in a different place in life. I feel I am able to be myself in a way that I never could years ago. I am also happier than I have ever been because of it. Is it perfect yet? Um, NO! I have a lot of work to do. Letting go of fear and bitterness and hatred is very hard to do. I want to attribute my change to God because I believe God sustains all things. (others to do hold this belief and that is your personal journey through life.) God has brought me were I am and given me some incredible stories to tell. And I want to write them! I want to write LIFE as I see it.
The Cost of Loving is my "church" experience. Matt and his family live what I went through is many many ways. Emotional struggles and personal struggles etc. I write my feelings. I always have done that. I have gay characters because I see that the LGBT community is where cultural struggle is right now. Gay rights, gay marriage etc is where the issues are struggling to be heard. And in some countries, LGBT are the community of people most persecuted. Perhaps my characters will change as time goes on, but right now I feel passionate about writing the societal issues I witness into GAY characters. They seem the best fit.
Merging my real, personal life with that of my "writer" personality is unusual and different for me. Soon, there may not be any difference at all. I like the name Wade and I think I want to go by that. I had another pen-name years ago and used to introduce myself by that name all the time. So, can't I be Wade? (Wade Wells from Sliders was cool.)
I want to be comfortable being stopped on the street and asked for an autograph. HAHA. But not like to the point of NOT wanting to go out in public. I would just like to be comfortable being ME, and comfortable if the world knows who "ME" is. Does that make sense?
Anyway... I'm gonna go. I have a lunch thing with Writers and Readers in the DC metro M/M group. I am meeting online personalities in the flesh for the first time. Should be exciting and fun!