Moving forward is typically easier said than done. I have a difficult time training my brain not to DWELL on the negative. I WANT to be positive, I WANT to be joyful and happy, but something inside clicks over to the cynical setting and I just see the glass half-empty. A couple years ago I remember a time when I was happy and joyful all the time. A fellow author called me Sunshine. I think she still calls me Sunshine, but I feel less sunshiney than I used to. My glow is dulled by life-crap. People like to drag you down, I think. When someone is sunshiney it is easy to get jealous or resentful and then others seek to steal your joy because it is easier to make YOU, or me, less shiney than for them to pull themselves out of the mire. Does this make sense?
I used to be so joyful. Where did that go? Well, I could probably point to the previous blog (http://writerwadekelly.blogspot.com/2017/08/what-ive-been-up-to-for-two-years.html ) and say that is the reason, but I am partially to blame. I LET or ALLOWED people to steal my joy. They wore me down and I gave in to some extent. No, I haven't rolled over, but I am also not as strong as I once was, nor am I as happy. I'm tired. That's really it in a nutshell. I'm just tried. I'm tired of being "watched," I'm tired of people riduculing me for writing some sexual cantent into my books, I'm tired of being treated like a pariah when I'm around "church folks." What I've learned is that some (not all) people I know in the church are actually less loving than those I've met outside the church. It's not supposed to be like that. The church is not supposed to eat itsown and crush the spirit of its members. I feel crushed. And yes, this is partically my fault because I believe people to be good. I believe people are my friends and I trust openly and this allows others to come in and crush my trusting heart. I understand if you disagree with me, and believe what I write is wrong and "sinful," people are intitled to thier opinions. But at some point, you need to back off and let me live my life. YOU are are NOT living it for me! You are not standing next to me day in and day out to tell me what I am allowed to do, or not do, according to your interpretation of the Bible. And I do say YOU INTERPRETATION because not every church preaches the same thing. Not every church sees things the way another church does. NOT every church sees Jesus or Christianoty the same way. And yes, I'm talking to the "watchers" of me, as well as thought-vomiting on my blog. Because this IS MY BLOG. I am allowed to write what I want, and people do read it. (Inlcuding those I wish wouldn't.) I am a person with my own mind and my own thoughts, who is beaten down. You have won the battle, I choose to no longer attend your church. There are people I will miss, some I will deeply miss seeing every week, but I can not subject myself to the hatefulness I get from the select few.
So how do I move on? It's not going to be easy. There is now a split between my husband and I. There has been an uncomfortable rift for a long time, but now it is very obvious. He goes to church, and I do not. This my girls see. The older one wanted to go to church to see her friends so my husband took her, but my younger one didn't want to go. She's home with me. Friends are very important and I know my older girl really misses hers when she doesn;t get ot see them. I will probably visit Taryn's church (my author friend) at some point, but for now I am taking a break. I need to find ME again. My spirit has been beated down and I just need some silence.
I'm reading a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It was actually lent to me by my tattoo artist, LOL. It's very fascinating and speaks about changing the way you think and the Law of Attraction. I need to finish it! I need to learn how to retrain the way I think. I need to find possitivity and joy again!
On the writing side, I haven't made much headway. I HOPE TO! I have loads of ideas and maybe once the muse gets moving I'll have many manuscript to submit. Fingers crossed. Will they be loaded with sex??? Probably not. Mine weren't loaded with sex before. I don't write erotica. But, for those who watch every little tidbit I write, there will be sexual content. When that will stop depends on the storiess and the characters. I write as I am inspired. The stories are character driven. If you don't understand this, it is because you are not an author! I believe and stand by the belief that I am inspired by God. WAY too many readers have told me "I wrote their story." I believe I am writing things that need to be said because someone out there is hurting and needs healing or closure. The sexual content is not the story, but in some ways it brings authenticity and realability to the readers. The sex is NOT the point of the story and may go away. My intent was not to write SEX. My intent was to write real stories. But I am NOT going to change what I write or how I write because a group of men sat down and wrote out a list of the things I am not allowed to do. NOPE. I will change only if moved to by God HIMSELF. As I believe I am inspired BY GOD, thent he stories are shaped BY GOD for the audience I write to. The church folks are not my audience, but boy they, might learn a thing or two if they just stopped JUDGING for a second.
I have many stories going through my head at the moment. JOCK 4, a Dreamspun Desire, one other story, and a re-write I'm working on. My issue is that these will not flow into a complete story. There are fragments, and the fragmants don't go anywhere. With JOCK 4, I am convinced the story didn't get written because I am not done living the things Rob McAvoy needs to go through. I really feel like he's me in many ways and lord help the readers once his story gets completed. JOCK 4 will have angst. It is not the #2 rating on the Angst Scale that JOCK 1 is!!! Maybe a #5. I'm also incorporating bits of JOCK 5 into it so they flow, but I want to bring JOCK 5 back down to a 2 or 3. I need some happiness to end the series on.
Bankers' Hours is still not in AUDIO. I'm sorry, but I don't know what's going on with that. It was recorded LAST year. I think it's really good and I want to share it, but I'ver heard nothing. Sorry.
Anyway.... I'm trying to pick myself back up and take a few steps forward. Keep your fingers crossed for me to keep moving forward. I will write again! I will find my joy again!
Thank you all for your love and support. You have no idea how much it means to me!
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Love and Hugs,