Thank you for filling my life with fear, anxiety, and paranoia. Knowing SOMEONE is out there watching EVERY move I make is so comforting, you have no idea. I hope there is someone watching out for you in the very same manner. It's a feeling I can not describe.
I realize my life is pretty much out there for everyone to see. I'm an online personality. I'm an author. I'm a "celebrity" in my own right, and as such I should be expected to handle those out there who watch every move I make whether it is online, in person, about my family, about my writing, about my beliefs, etc. I SHOULD be able to handle the scrutiny and ridicule.
But then again, why SHOULD I? Because you think so? Try it yourself. Tell me who you are that you are so much better than me, that you can watch my moves and report them to others and think yourself so much more righteous and pious because at least your sins are not as bad as mine? I don't name names, but maybe I should? Judy? Drew? Bruce? Shirley? Angela? Who the fuck are you and what gives you the right to treat me in this manner? Just because the church board has seen it as their job to chastise me and sentence me doesn't mean I have rolled over and willingly given them permission to ruin my life. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! Telling me you miss me know is too little too late. Telling me I had years to change is true. But I don't see the need when you've had YEARS TO CHANGE AS WELL. The church hasn't changed its stand. And I haven't changed my mind on why I write. I stand for gay rights. That will not change. I heard when you said it's about the sex. Okay. I also said I was willing to work with that because it was never my intention to write sex. I write stories and sex happens sometimes. The thing is, you wanted me to roll over and beg forgivness for writing the things I have. I won't. They weren't my stories. I believe they came from God because they needed to be told. They were other peoples' stories. Sex and all. They came out of no where and touched others deeper than I could have imagined. I can't write stories like that apart from God. I had purpose. Then my heart was shattered.
Every time I turn around, SOMEONE IS THERE WATCHING ME! I chose a penname for a reason. Don't all authors? It's because it keeps my real life and my writing life separate because sometimes there are fans out there, Like some for JK Rowling as an example, who can become a little phsyco--go all "Misery" on the poor unsuspecting author. I don't have that. I have fans who want to hold me and protect me from the very people I trusted and let in. I exposed my heart and everything I had and instead of caring for my heart, those people I trusted ripped me to shreds.
My penname is Wade Kelly because I liked a show called Sliders in the 90's. Wade Wells was the female lead. A girl in second grade was named Kelly Dodd and I ALWAYS liked her name. Hence, Wade Kelly. I then trusted some of my fans and fellow writers with my real name. Kade Boehme was among the first. Why? Because I love Kade and I knew he'ed love me back and protect my heart.
I've been hurt more by the church than by any other people in the world, and they just don't stop. They stalk me. Dear Stalker, do you have any idea how that feels? I wrote a fucking book! (Or maybe a few) and no one leaves me alone because of it. It's this how it feels to be one of the marginalized? This has to be how it feels to be gay and hated by the church. (And I in no way mean to belittle the LGBTQ people. I'm writing to my stalkers.) I'm being crushed in spirit, the same way fists break bone when someone corners you in an alley. I have no way out because the silent stalkers can watch from their hiding place and I don't see them.
My name is Gina Adams. I live in Westminster and that's why most of my books are set here. Westminster is what I know. I don't hide or purpose. I chose a penname because I thought that's what people did. Some authors in my genre (Men and women) do because their writing is seen as an abomination to others. They want to protect themselves. I know this well. Why is it so wrong to try and protect yourself and your identity? I tried, but I trusted the wrong people and now I suffer the consequences. I'm watched all the time from faceless zealots.
I know who I am. I know how God views me. My beliefs are MINE. I believe Jesus died for my sins. Isn't that the whole point of the bible?
Another part references "shaking off the sand from your sandals." Please do that. Throw your stones. Get it over with and move on.
I don't know what else to say. Leave me alone. Let me take refuge with people who want to protect me the same way I would for them. Maybe you think you're being a good friend, but not if you are crushing my soul. I'll have nothing left.
Dear stalker, be careful what you do to another person's soul. Is pushing me to insanity worth it? Is that what Jesus would do?
Thanks for my heartache. I wonder how you treat the other people in your life?
~Wade / Gina