I've decided, because it is the first day of this new school year, that I should treat it like "New Years Day" and turn over a new leaf. I've had some crappy years lately. I'd say days, weeks, or months, but truly it has been years. Sadly. I remember a time in 2014 when I was happy. Like, REALLY HAPPY. Things were going my way. I was writing, I had publications coming out once a year, I was meeting people like J.P. Barnaby who would make me smile. AND, I was learning about my faith in church without any ridicule or judgment. Life was really good. Then, I trusted the wrong person and things went to hell. The church turned on me and made me question what the heck was happening. I realize I was disillusioned by what I thought the church should be. Is that the right word? My expectations were too high. I expected more from people than I should have and it came back to bite me in the ass.
The SAME thing occurred in 2015 with regard to my son. I think I had unrealistic expectations and expected too much. We adopted him and I thought it would be like having my other children (the ones who grew up with me.) It isn't. It's harder. It's more painful. Loving a child who has never had family, was not what I expected and I brought much of the pain on myself with my unrealistic expectations.
Writing can be seen in that same light in many ways. Writing is hard! I've had a couple, nine, books basically fall out of my head. JOCK 1 I wrote in like two months. Bankers' Hours was written in three. Even NAMES, which took fourteen months to write, felt like the story flowed out of my head as I wrote it. Now, after finishing JOCK 3 in January 2016, writing hasn't fallen out. It feels like a clogged funnel. I have SOOOO many ideas, yet they are crammed in the hole. Nothing gets from my brain, out my fingers anymore. I'm trying, really I am, and I think TODAY is the day to turn over a new leaf and make life happen.
If the stories won't flow out easily, I will PUSH them out until the words come easily again.
This first day of school signifies the beginning of ROUTINE! I am forced to get up at the butt-crack of day to get my kids off to school. I am awake, making lunches, and hugging much earlier than I have all summer. With the school routine, will come the writer routine! I need to blog regularly. Not once a day... unrealistic. Hopefully once a week, or a couple times a month. Newsletters should also come more regularly, once I have something to say writing-related. I NEED to write EVERY day! I may not be able to write thousands of words every day, but I should try to get into the habit of writing something! I did this in June and it had been going well, but life threw another curve ball and I stopped. TODAY I start again!
Current projects include: a rewrite of an earlier book, JOCK 4, JOCK 5, and a book I was trying to write as a Dreamspun Desire before I realized I can't NOT write angst. grrr. Somehow the angst creeps in and it derails me from the Dreamspun outline. Maybe one day! I have about fifteen books in my head. Fingers crossed they come OUT of my head in a timely fashion.
Thank you for hanging around and putting up with me and encouraging me. I've not had the best of years lately, but there are people who've had it worse. I shouldn't complain too much. I'm merely venting on my blog because I need to get it out. I'm seeing my therapist again next week. I had stopped in June because it seemed like we had run out of things to talk about. NOPE! I have a lot more. I briefed her when I saw her last week and she just can't believe how I've been treated. For the most part, I allowed things to happen, but there comes a time when you have to protect yourself. NOW is that time. I am protecting what is left of my heart and my sanity. Part of that is writing. Writing use to bring me such joy. I need to find that again.
I hope you all have a wonderful day!