As this new year progresses, I am trying incrementally to let go of the fear and paranoia that fueled my existence for the last 3 years. The other day, I was talking to someone I know and explaining some of my history. I told her (this new friend I have) that for years I was withdrawn, had no friends, and did not want to share who I was with anyone. She gave me a surprised look and said, "But that seems to go against your personality." Yes, it truly does. I'm not a shy person, although I was when I was younger. I am normally loud, sometimes obnoxious, often sarcastic, but rarely quiet and withdrawn. But, I have to say, having an online stalker messed with my head.
Soon, probably later this week if not sooner, I will work on that self-interview where I will answer some of the questions my fans have listed on one of my other blog posts. However, Cody Kennedy asked two questions in relation to one blog I wrote "Why do I feel that 2013 will be MY YEAR?" and "Why was 2010 such a hard time in my life?"
One reason I feel that 2013 is my year, is because now is the time I feel I can finally let go of fear. Fear is very destructive, and its tendrils dig deep into every part of a person's self-esteem and self-worth. (Sometimes). Also, The Cost of Loving will finally get published this year. TCOL has been a long time coming. It is from my personal experience with "the church" and judgments I endured. It was my personal journey and I wrote my experiences into Matt, Darian, Matt's dad, Matt's mom, and some events in the character's lives. So, it is "my year" because I can be honest about things that happened to me. Also, I may even write TWO NOVELS this year and submit at least one, (LTLTA), to Dreamspinner. After having TCOL accepted and published this year, the thought of possibly publishing two in one year is thrilling. So, heck yeah, it's my year! And I feel WEIGHTLESS!
2010... The answer can not be given in full, nor can it be given at this time since I am working on how to tell my story. Some of it you all already know. I had a stalker. She found something I wrote about homosexuality. She went to someone, who went to the pastor of the church I attended. It did not turn out well, and the circumstances caused me to lose all my friends. I became sullen, withdrawn paranoid and afraid. I can't disclose all the information because I STILL DO fear the person who started all the crap I lived through. She still lives in my town. If you want to know the story in full, e-mail me. But for now, know that I will think of how and what to say and will fill my readers in soon. This week.
2013 though, is 180 degrees from 2010. I have real friends. Friends who love and accept me for who I am and what I believe. I am learning it is okay to be myself. The new church I go to is completely different. These new "church going" people are excited that I am an author no matter that I write m/m romance. Homosexuality is not talked about as an "abomination" like it was before in that other place and I am more confident to be myself. I really think that other church was full of people who were griped by fear and couldn't handle the fact that in this day and age, homosexual rights and marriage etc are a real thing. They want to be a part of the old-school who probably would stone those who are gay. IDK. I just think they are living in fear of what they don;t understand, but they will also not take any steps to know or understand people who think differently.
And if I can quote myself, "I don't think sin in as black and white as people want to believe it is. I think it comes in an array of colors, and one of them shines so bright that it blinds us to our ability to love. And if I think that I can't love you because you're gay, then Satan wins. Because without love, the only color left is hate." -Rob McAvoy, My Roommate's a Jock? Well, Crap! Personally, I felt "unloved" for years.
Not anymore. Times are a changing. Stay tuned. I gotta go write something or the day will disappear and Darian's life will remain untold.