There is a saying, “When it rains, it pours.” Well, I often live in that state. 2010 was the year of hellfire and brimstone, and 2013 is the year of reptile mites, scale rot, basement floods, and chicken pox. And that’s all within a month or so!
As my readers more than likely know, I don’t tend to talk about myself. There have been a number of blog entries that talk about me NOT TALKING. LOL. Blog entries like “Coming Out of My Shell”, “Fully Exposed, but With My Clothes On”, and “Freedom to Be Myself” are examples of the things in my life that have kept me from simply talking about myself. And, as in one blog entry I touch on, talking about myself again to the people IN my life is helping me to feel more free to just be me! I did that yesterday in fact. I was over a friend’s house and we exchanged “stories of our lives” and I think drew closer. She also did not reject me for writing gay romance. She said, “That is so cool that you’re published. I really want to read it!” (“It” referring to one of my books I was telling her about.) I find that the more people I tell in my neighborhood and in my family, and even in my CHURCH, the freer I feel. It is like the binding chains of secrecy are falling off one shackle at a time. I lived so secretive, and may I use the word “closeted”, for so long. YEARS. That kind of hiding is difficult and draining.
Have you ever felt like that? I KNOW there are people who have and do live like that. There are people who keep the “real them” hidden from the world because the world is so freaking unaccepting! But when you hide the real you for fear of rejection, it eats away at self-esteem, pride, and confidence until eventually there is nothing left of your true self at all. You lose yourself.
I got to the point where I didn’t want to lose “ME” and I had to make that choice. I had to expose my secrets to the light of day and to the people who could easily reject everything that meant something to ME. And one at a time, those people are not rejecting me, but accepting me.
(Note: This is NOT a comparison of MY struggles vs. coming out about sexuality. I know that is way more complicated and difficult for some. I am merely talking about MYSELF, and my personal “exposé”.)
I have also said that 2013 would “be my year” in the blog “Weightless in 2013”. I still think that although maybe not in the way I originally desired. I wanted it to be a year I wrote at least two books and published two. I am not sure about the publishing part. YES, I will publish The Cost of loving because that is due to come out in August. (I hope. The date is not confirmed yet.) But in order to publish another one this year I have to FINISH WRITING another one and submit it with enough time for Dreamspinner to process it. Normally that takes about 6 months. With TCOL, I submitted it February 11, contract signed 5 weeks later, and the tentative release of August/September 2013. So really, that is about 7 months with submission. Unless I submit LTLTA soon, I can’t get it published this year. Is that a drag? Yes. And no. If I submit it there is the possibility it would be rejected and then I’d self-publish it. And if it is accepted, then it would just come out early next year. Life doesn’t have to go as I PLAN. I need to just let it happen. To finish writing LTLTA, as well as one other novel, will be huge for me. And I still consider this a goal to attain.
BUT… As my life seems to be sometimes… I live in chaos. My snakes got mites. I wrote about that in another blog. It takes weeks and work to get rid of them. THEN, in the process, my snakes got scale rot. Scale rot is a result of too much humidity. Just like when people take a bath too long you get all pruny, well the snake’s scales look like that. It is also a fungal problem and can get increasingly worse and kill them. My one snake even had blisters. Think of that! A snake with blisters that pop like a pimple. It was nasty! Needless to say, I am working on that issue too and have all but 2 snakes cured. No return of mite that I can see so that’s good too.
As this mite infestation/cleansing goes on my basement had flooded. There was mold remediation where the flood department removed 2 feet of drywall around the walls of my entire basement! Everything was displaced and piled up so we can work on fixing this. Then my husband removed the tub and toilet thinking this the best time to remodel the bathroom. (Yes, I’m married.) Our contractor got gout so he is out of commission right now and the basement is a royal mess. And then, last week, my daughter got the chicken pox! Which then she gave to my other daughter. Luckily my son already had them or he’d be right there with his sisters covered in ichy spots! There is always something in this house. And I told you I got a puppy, right? Yes, the puppy keeps chewing things up and pooping in the house! Puppies!!!!! But he is cute. And he is VERY FLUFFY. (So fluffy I could die!)
I haven’t written anything in weeks. I am so distracted with all the personal crap in my life it isn’t funny. But I am thinking about writing. I come up with scenes and dialogue in my head as I drive everywhere. I will eventually get it out on paper. (Computer.) Will something else get published this year? IDK. But, I don’t think it matters. What matters to me is that I AM writing, and that I am able (more and more) to be myself.
Am I going around soliciting bookstores in my neighborhood to have my stuff and do a book signing? No. Gay lit is still taboo to some. I am branching out and saying that I write gay lit, but I do not tell people my pseudonym any faster than I spout out my real name online. I will get there, but I am not going to threaten the safety of my children. I do NOT want them persecuted because their mom decided to write something that was “unacceptable” to some in the school system or unacceptable to some families and kids they know. I talk to people individually and get a feel for their view points. I have told a few of my kid’s friend’s mothers because it seemed appropriate and one of them really liked reading my books! In this, I think society is changing. People are becoming more and more open to reading books and stories no matter the genre. Will I EVER marry my real name and my pseudonym (Wade Kelly) online so that Googling the real me “Wade Kelly” might come up too? IDK. I don’t think so. There are reasons people write under pennames. Right? Privacy is one huge one.
I am still a tad worried over people in my previous church finding out and causing a big stink. That thought does haunt me. They were very hurtful and the pain lingers. However, people I know NOW are much more forgiving, gracious, and excited to know I’m a writer. Knowing people who accept me for ME helps in the healing process.
Do I fear readers will reject me? Sure. But so far people are awesome. Readers love my writing for the writing. They like the stories. It is about the characters. As it should be. So far, only one reviewer person was angry to find out I was a woman. I can’t help people’s anger and disappointment. I like the name Wade. I picked it because of Wade Wells on a TV show called Sliders. I have even thought of using Wade Wells’ photo as my profile picture for a little bit. I might just do that. (with a disclaimer saying it is not me, haha.) My bio reflects the fact that I am a woman and I have children. My FB page sometimes says “Wade changed HER profile picture”. I’m a “her” online. I try to keep my website up to date. If you want to know something, ask. email@example.com I am becoming more open about myself and my writing than ever before. Someday, I’d LOVE to have a book signing in my hometown! (Wouldn’t that be cool?) For now, I’m Wade. I think it’s a good name. ;)
I have so few followers that it probably doesn’t matter what I write in a blog anyhow. I think one of my blog posts had TWO views. Hahaha. But for the handful of folks who like to hear me rant, this is for you. I stand by my statement, “This is going to be my year!” I am learning to be myself again, and that is huge!
and to requote All Time Low:
“Manage me, I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book
I wanna be laughed at
Laughed with, just because
I wanna feel weightless
And that should be enough...”
“Make believe that I impress
That every word
Turns a head
I wanna feel reckless
I wanna live it up, just because
I wanna feel weightless
Cause that would be enough..."
"Maybe it's not my weekend, But it's gonna be my year..."
Ciao for now,
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Check out my books: My Roommate's a Jock? Well, Crap! and When Love is Not Enough. Read, review, or question me about them. If you like what you read, I’d love for you to be a “FAN” of mine on Goodreads.com. Thanks so much!