There was a time when I blogged twice a week, but somehow those days drifted by and now I am lucky if I remember to blog once a week. I'm trying. I could blame the weather and that certainly has something to do with it, but it's me. It's a certain amount of depression associated with a feeling of failure. I've failed. I've failed as a person, an author, and lately… as a mom.
Might be a shock to some of you who haven't read my bio, but I am a mother of three. Yes, I'm a girl and I have blogged plenty about that. Check out>> Wade Kelly: I'm Just a Girl… A Girl Named Wade. In short, I've posted that I've met people named Hunter, Devon, Logan, Shannon, Taylor, Dana, and a Kelly in BOTH genders. And recently I've met a Shawn and a Michael. So, yeah, WADE… Not so hard to think of me as a girl when every other girl is taking what used to be traditionally considered "boys" names. It's been a year since I "came out" about why I chose the pen-name Wade Kelly. If you are reading this and didn't know. Sorry. No offense intended. Many places (like goodreads) have my gender listed and I have my picture on Facebook. Eventually, when I don't fear the people in my past so much, I will begin listing a picture of myself in my bio. It IS, however, on the GRL website. That was my first step this year to putting myself fully out there.
It is a scary place, very exposing. I've taken a lot of shit over the past couple years and in the process I became fractured and scattered like pieces of a mirror reflecting my soul in all directions. 2013 was like a cleansing year. It was a year to pick up those pieces of ME and glue them back together with real friendships and true love and acceptance. It was the nicest year I've had in a long while. I have found real friends and it is freeing to finally feel like myself almost all the time. The goal for 2014 is to bring my "shards" closer still and be more of ME, and me without apology. It is a difficult thing when you've hidden who you are to open the door to hurt, but I have to try. It is freeing when you don't have to pretend or second guess everything. *Side note: something I would want to tell Matt and Brad and Sam. haha. JUST BE YOURSELF. ALL THE TIME! But I do know how hard that is in some small sense because I've been there. Being yourself in a world that may not accept you is terrifying.
Anyway…. Back to feeling like a failure.
My son is adopted. And though I want to feel close to him, as any mother would her child (hopefully), There is that part that will never be close because I missed out on way too many years of his development. There is a void, and the relationship came that way from the start. Now, he's 17 almost 18, and has a girlfriend, and is "happy" whenever he is with her. He's pulled away and spends his time there. I've met her once in 6 weeks and I feel lost and dejected. MUCH of this has to do with me. I WANT my little boy to love his mother and shower me with affection, but he's not a little boy. And all his affection goes HER way. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to mother him. I don't know how to set boundaries or pull the boundaries back when they are too tight. I don't know what I should expect from him or how to explain my expectations. He's a boy. I'm a woman. I'm a woman who just wants to feel like he loves me no matter where he is or whom he's with and I don't feel that. He doesn't share. He doesn't talk. He doesn't interact much when he's home. He shuts himself away in his room and says "We are never home anyway." (referring to the fact that I am always driving some kid somewhere all the time.) How do I let go? How do I let my baby bird jump from the nest at 17 and hope he doesn't forget that I love him? He forgets so many other things.
I don't know how to be what I need to be and so I feel like a failure.
And then I am supposed to be a writer. Writers WRITE, don't they? I can't even do that. I have no creativity. I have three books hovering around 38-44k and yet they sit. THREE half written books. You would think that would be a good thing because that is three that are close to being done. I should be excited and finish them off. But I don't know how. I feel inadequate. I feel BORING. I read things I wrote and think surely no one will find this interesting. Although, I do have to say that last night I was reading the ending I wrote for Misplaced Affection and I really liked it. I didn't want to change it. I hope my ending isn't off-putting to the masses because I like what I did.
I guess this goes back to fear. I fear basically EVERYTHING. I'm afraid of being hated. I'm afraid of being forgotten. I'm afraid my son will replace me with this girl and never need me again. I'm afraid I won't be able to finish another novel. I'm afraid that my up coming release in July will be a bust. I'm afraid and terribly sad for Eric and Tj. I'm afraid that my new tattoo is going to just peel or fall off my finger because it doesn't look like a tattoo as much as it look like a chalk drawing. I'm afraid I am loosing the ability to find time for myself again.
There used to be a time when I spent ALL my energy taking care of everyone else, and I forgot ME. And then it swung the other direction and I was watching out for my own needs and forgot everyone else. Now, I'm exhausted all the time. I go go go, but hardly ever sit and do what I love. WRITE. Partly because I feel like there isn't anything in there worth writing. And partly because I spend all my time taking care of everyone else. (Although I bet they would not see it that way.)
So, yeah, I've been quiet. I've run out of interesting things to say because I am consumed with thoughts of inadequacy. Do I measure up? Am I a failure? These are real questions and feelings I have at the moment which inhibit me from embracing all the good things in life I already have. So there you have it. ME. Me and the mess that is in my head right now. So pray for me that the right words would flow because right now, every one I type is a struggle.
~Wade
Dear Wade,
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that made you stand out for me as an author and as an individual was after I read and reviewed The Cost Of Living. It was beautiful, it was real and it was honest. It was also one of the more painful reads I had to do. But you reached out and privately encouraged me to get over my fears and just take the time to get to read the first book, the one I was most scared of to read of all the books I had on my list: When Love Is Not Enough.
Although you blog here is about your feelings of inadequacies, I cannot but keep going back to that book, WLINE. Here, you are saying you are feeling like a failure, as a writer, as a person, as a mom. Your reaching out to the world shows how much you care about your son. How much you care how he feels about you. How much you love him but at the same time, beginnings of insecurities creep in, especially now he has a new significant other.
Feeling left out is normal and I don't think your saying he was adopted is the root. If it is true as you said, that there was a failure to connect in some way because you lost out of many milestones together, I don't see it here in what you wrote. All I see (or read) is a mother who loves her son as we all should love our children. What I see, as a mother, is that your psychological umbilical cord is threatened. He may have been adopted, but your bond with him is strong - through your words here, I see the strength.
He is at that age where we mothers fear to see our children go through. The time when they think they are adults and yet need the love and support of their parents as if they were still children. This is normal, what he is going through. What to do about it is totally up to you to decide on, but I see a concerned and loving mother who cannot "let go." As for being replaced, I say you are being celebrated by him. He would not have had the guts, the security in himself, to reach out and love some other person without your foundation on love. He may focus on her now, but you are still his mother. So just be his mother - the one he knows loves him.
As for being an author and a failure, I still don't see it. What you have written here is beautiful, and it shows your talent to communicate using the written word.
It is true, these months are usually the worst for all of us. We don't know what is going to happen this year. All we can do is get prepared and that is scary. Being quiet does not mean you are out of the game. With this post, you have definitely shown you are still in your game. You just have to look at things from a different angle and see.
As for prayers: you have it. I will make sure of it.
-multi- (Johanna)
I think I needed to express myself, and so I did. Hearing your words are a BIG help, believe me. Sometimes I DO feel alone. I just want to be the best I can be and when it falls short I question everything. Writing has been a struggle. I hope it will turn around soon because that really does effect my feelings. Thank you for being so supportive in that area and I hope you like the next one. I feel it will be a test to see if my talent was a fluke or has some staying power. It is long and yes I fear-- boring. (lol) To me Names Can Never Hurt Me is just a simple story about life. We'll see if it is any good. I hope to get the cover soon and start editing soon with Dreamspinner. Those things might boost my desire to write.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your support and encouragement. I NEED it.