Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Emotional Trainwreck

Yeah, pretty much sums it up. I'm not really sure what "normal" is for me, but I'm not feeling normal by any means. I think I'm feeling highly emotional.

I do normally have a sense of metal overlaid because my brain rarely shuts down. I think Matt Boston and I have this in common, which is why I think I get his way of thinking. :) (You go Matt!) But MY way of thinking? It is often like a pinball machine, but mostly in a creative sense. My thoughts run wild and I think of MANY ideas simultaneously, but lately my brain will not stop going in some bad ways.

I'm more bitter than I have been in years. I thought I was getting past it. I am also more cynical. Sarcasm and cynicism are two things that it seems my family revolves around, but because I haven't been writing, or blogging, I am left with thoughts constantly circling around in my head. Thoughts that scream distrust, anger, walls, betrayal, sickness, hatred, etc… And then I think, what happened to my joy?

I don't see myself as a happy person all the time. I am emotional and often he emotions are not "happy" ones. But I have seen myself in the past several years as being joyful.  I have JOY IN JESUS! (*Cue waving hands in church and shouting Hallelujah!*) (Note: No offense intended. Just stating things about me.) I came to this deeper sense of faith only in the last few years. I found a sense of joy from my Christian faith and it didn't have to do with people. People are often disappointing, but my view of God was/is that He is steady and unchanging. I view trials as life lessons. There are always things you can learn about yourself and other people, as well as about God. I don't view trials as punishments at all. Life happens. Sometimes good things, sometimes bad things. We all have to deal.

And everything you go through effects you and the way you go forward.

Some people experience hard times and it breaks them. Some trials are too hard and people escape. Into what? IDK. Drugs, drinking, sex, cutting, seclusion, or maybe suicide. I can definitely rationalize heavy drinking or drugs if I was not as responsible as I am. I think of all the things I need to do and who I need to take care of and so I don't drink excessively or do drugs because then who would take care of my children? My family? My house? My pets? Too many people depend on me so I don't see myself giving in to external addictions.

But emotionally? I take on everything. I feel everything. Not as deeply as Lena. Her empathic abilities are incredible. But in me, I have strong emotions I can not escape. I think this is what people do not understand when they make assumptions and attack. Verbal abuse and personal, emotional attacks cut me deeper than if someone just hauled off and hit me. I strive so hard to love people and be compassionate, yet often I see in myself the ugliness of hatred and unforgiveness. I want to be compassionate all the time, yet I see more and more how much I am NOT.

It is draining to be me sometimes. Feeling so much. And people so easily tear down the love I try to give out, and often trample my joy to where I only want to curl up in a ball and make the world go away.

And then there are those days like Saturday. I saw Leigh and I get such deep love well up in my heart. I see that as a God thing. How can a person smile at you and give you such a sense of love unless it is from God. That is how I see it anyway. There are many people in my life whom I love. I have many friends and I think so often about them. Lynn, Taryn, Jeff, Greg, Kade, Jackie, Leigh, Michael, Beth, Sara, Tina…. And the online friends I talk to a LOT like Johanna, Jason, Matt, Johnny, Simon, Jordan, David, another Jordan, another Matt, another Jason, JP, Ken, Jay, Scott, Greg, Chris, Sanna, Jodi, Mari, Taylor, Alex, Kazy, Lena, etc….. I name these folks because most of you probably know who they are. (Maybe)…. And I also have many people in my hometown I consider very close friends. These I will use initials because they are NOT all known online. S, A, P, S, M, M, V, S, J, B, R, etc… *Initials to protect the innocent ;)

Anyway… I will say that I love many people in my life. However, very few people give me this emotional reaction from just seeing them. If you know me, I cry easily. But seeing people doesn't always make the emotions swell so high that I feel an overwhelming sense of love and joy. Seeing Leigh did that to me Saturday. This is not something I control so please don't take it wrong and think I do not love you. If you are thinking about it, then you are probably on my mind a lot. I'm saying this is a physical reaction to seeing certain people that I do not think about. It simply happens.

Feeling this on Saturday made me think about all the friends I have in my life right now. In 2010 I lost all of them. So I guess this newest "trial" has made me take stock of what I have now that has not disappeared. FRIENDS. I have amazing friends. Your notes of encouragement and love and support mean so much to me. Random texts from Kade. Notes from Beth. IM's from Lynn and MANY others do fill my heart with joy. And I thank you for them! I need you.

But I am not back to normal. I'm paranoid, because of what I went through years ago. That pain doesn't just disappear in a couple years. I thought I healed from it BUT NO! I feel like that "person" ripped open old wounds and poured salt on them, or alcohol. Hatred I felt fora few specific people from my past came flooding back in and now is directed at other people. I have not learned forgiveness. I learned how to be bitter faster. And more cynical about people. My fear is still there from years ago, but it has morphed into a ball of anger I think. Not really a fear of losing everything like before. No. Not that kind of fear. Possibly a fear of the future. IDK.

What I know is that my stories have meaning, at least to me. It is a creative outlet to explore my emotions and let them out. Some people just don't get it. I say they are stories about ME, and some people don't get it. All I can say is that I can not explain my brain any clearer than this. I'm an artist. My art is writing. I express myself through my art. If you want to know me, read my books. But if you go in looking for happiness and flowers and joy, you will be completely shocked and appalled most likely.  Perhaps that is what this "person" didn't get. She was expecting one thing, and got something SOOOOO different.

My emotions run high, right at the surface. I feel pain and see pain in people, culture, and society. So I write it. If this is wrong, then only God can come in and alter the picture. So far I have not been moved to write a novel like Stephen King or Jeff Lindsay (Dexter), but you never know. I do have a vampire horror in mind, and started.) LOL


In other news…. Friend Fridays will start back up again next week. Later this week I host LE Franks for the Dirty Dozen Bog Hop tour.

I've just been busy I guess. LOTS of crap going on in my head. Too many thoughts. Too much hurt and fear and paranoia.

Then my daughter had lice this week and I spent HOURS picking them out of her hair yesterday. I also cleaned the entire house. Vacuumed and bleached floors. Changed ALL bedding. Did Tons of laundry. So freaking tired. And I think I have a head cold now.

Anyway… as I always ask…. PRAY FOR MY WORDS. My stories have meaning to me, but I'd like them to have meaning to all of you as well.

Hugs and kisses.



  1. I love this post. I am praying for you. And I'm thinking about you constantly. I hope you can feel it. <3

  2. I am with bethtrue up there, I love this post! For some reason I hear you smiling and getting your joy back - despite the angst and drama. As for the paranoia, I think it is healthy in moderate doses for it keeps us aware of what is going around us and prepares us for anything untoward and unexpected. Sent you PM about the lice - a common enough thing where I come from - I laugh at the lice - eeeew that sounds bad but tis true. I smack em bwahahhahahahaaaa Love you Ms Wade ~JP~