I guess because it is my way of identifying with the wounded. NOT that all gay people out there are wounded in some way, but I have known some. One of my close gay friends died last year. It wasn't pretty. And because I write about self and my experiences, the pain comes across more genuine.
I am not sure if I've said this before, but I am generally a very transparent person. In fact, my therapist had told me it was okay not to share EVERY THING WITH EVERY ONE ALL the time. After 2010, when out of fear of losing my son I completely shut down, I became a blank wall. Nothing in, nothing out. Empty. I have told my son since then that it was his adoption that saved me. I was at an all time low, very depressed, and alone. Yes, I'm married, but my husband wash;t talking to me either. I felt like I had nothing except the hope of adopting the most adorable Ukrainian kid I'd ever seen. When that happened, my life lifted.
I had been wanting to hear back about WLINE and it was rejected. LOL. Did you know that? Mainly for technical issues. And once fixed DSP took it and it was released in 2011. But I wrote it BEFORE the rash of suicides in 2010. It was painful for me to hear about them because I had JUST WRITTEN about gay suicide and here was 7 kids or so who killed themselves over gay bullying. Devastating.
But back to the transparency…. I was afraid in 2010. very afraid. People who I knew a long time abandoned me over a book. and it wasn't even all that deep. very little sex and not graphic at all. It was about a 46 yr old man who met a real life Fairie. That's funny, right? I felt the rejection loud and clear and fell into myself. Into my head. They say writers are "always in their heads." Well, I am. Totally. I channelled my pain into a book that touched SO MANY people. I wasn't going to let it go and I went with it and found a new voice away from fluff and into deep meaningful concepts of life.
Gay life I guess which I have not actually lived. ,I do however have a vast imagination.
I fall into my head and imagine the characters. I feel their pain and I write about it. I say my characters are me and they are. Each has a bit of my feeling, my personality, my religious beliefs, my political views, etc. I think for those years when I could not be myself in real life, I wrote me into characters and it went on from there.
Now, as I have being trying so desperately to put the pieces back together, my puzzle pieces fitting one by one, I am also trying to be honest and open again. I don't need to say again what my therapist said above but I will…. It's okay not to share EVERY THING WITH EVERY ONE ALL the time. But I was made that way. My vulnerability and exposure makes it easier for others to open up. It is what I've experienced and continue to find. The problem years ago was that I depended on other people to fill up my strength when I had depleted myself in feeling other's pain and carrying other's burdens. I think I've learned that only God can bear that load and fill me up with that strength. Depending on people will always let me down. I'm not saying that about anyone specifically, but as a generalization about human nature. We are all foulable creatures. It is easier for me now to be open because I know I was created to be a target.
The people I have come to care about: the broken, lost, marginalized, beaten, forsaken, and yes some are LGBTQ, these are the ones I identify with and channel when I write. I don't worry so much about me anymore. I've exposed my underbelly and gotten stabbed int he heart. I won't die. I'll keep moving forward. Because I am called to a purpose and I am confident that HE who started a good work in me will carry it to completion. I'll pick up the beaten in the gutter that no one wants because he happened to like a boy when he was 15 and they couldn't handle it. Was that you? I know a lot of young adults out there went through that. I bet JP Barnaby knows them. I won't let another kid die thinking he or she is alone and does;t matter. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. To God and to ME.
I'm transparent to a fault because those who wish to do harm have all the amp they need right there. And for the LGBT who are not hiding, they are exposed too- right? Out and open for rapid fire from people who hate without even knowing you.
Whatever happens to me, I will stand.
I told Matt Boston then other week that I learn about love and life from him and he messaged me back and said I made him think about courage and strength and that iron determination to always stand up for what's right.
Thank you Matt. I will try to be strong and courageous if you continue to show the world what true love and commitment is meant to be ;)
hugs to all.
oh, and BTW, Misplaced Affection my be my best story yet. It's definitely A Wade Kelly Special! Child abuse, religious contention, grief, loss, angst. OMGosh it's gripping and that is coming from ME and I always think I'm boring!