Whichever the case, I LOVE GLEE. I haven’t watched it all. I
even skipped some, went back, watched them, finished a season, watched more,
skipped some, and need to watch the ones I skipped. This is the curse of having
Yout Tube and knowing SOME of what is coming up. So I skipped a few episodes to
watch the episode Original Song, and I finished season two and I need to watch
the couple I missed in the middle and then watch season three.
What I see in that show, is myself. I was a loner in school.
I had few friends. I never joined show choir, but I didn’t know it existed
until a few years ago, and I really can’t sing. I LIKE singing, but my range is
very limited. I can not sing high notes, and when I try, birds die. But
watching a show about the losers in school and how they band together in
support of each other, while fighting (lol), Is refreshing. I can identify with
Rachel. She has a dream. So do I. I don’t think I was that bitchy when I was
younger, but I am definitely getting good at it now. People get crappy with me
and I get cynical and grumpy and I start losing sight of ME. Who I am. What I
see as my purpose.
I am a huge show tune person. At least I think I am. I have
often thought about doing an entire rundown of how the musical Wicked was
written about me. Defying Gravity, Not That Girl, No Good Dead, Dancing Through
Life, all great songs that in some way reflect a part of ME.
When watching Glee, it reminded me of who I am. AND… that I
was born this way.
Yes, it’s a Lady Gaga song. But before that, I thought about
the concept five years back when I was adopting my son. Someone told me not to
“over mother” him or be too affectionate or huggy or…. well….. ME. I was
basically told not to be too much ME. And I held back. I regret that now. After
several weeks with him it was apparent that I was exactly what he needed at the
time.
Since then, I have done some Bible studies and such and one
of the ones I took about women in general taught me I was created this way. I
am ME for a reason. I am overly sensitive, deeply feeling, I sense things and
read people, I need people—not in the “needy” sense but I can’t survive well
alone for long periods of time. I like to touch people and conversely like to
be touched. I like to laugh. I like to dance—even if I am horrible at it. I
like to SING!!! I like to sing show tunes! I like to cry with people, or for
people. I know who I am. I am here to touch people.
Sometimes the touch is physical, like a hug. But sometimes,
it is through another of my gifts—my words. I write in order to touch people.
I have a voice, and my soul has something to sing. I haven’t
figured it all out yet, but all I know is that my dream is too big to let go.
Rachel in Glee has a dream, and at the moment, I don’t know where it goes
because I’m in season 2. But that’s like ME. I don’t know where I’m going, but
I know I need to try to get there.
In the song Loser Like Me (from Glee) I thought, “That’s me.”
I was the loser. And sometimes, maybe people would say I still am. But I don’t
think so. I think I am still chasing my dream and I haven’t gotten there yet.
The losers, are the ones who took a few steps and gave up, or didn’t even dare
to dream.
I think God gives us hopes and dreams because we can take
them and inspire others to dare to dream. I want to make a difference in the
world, and maybe it is simply by sparking dreams in others.
What I find sad, are the people in my life who dare to snuff
out my dreams. The people who don’t like how I go about chasing my dreams like
I took the wrong road on the way to the “dream store.” Maybe I did. Maybe this
road isn’t the one most travel. But isn’t there a saying about taking the road
less travelled? I think Robin Williams quoted it in Dead Poets Society. “Two
roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less travelled by, and that has
made all the difference.” It is by Robert Frost, not Robin Williams. :)
This road I travel is probably not the road I would have
picked ten years ago if asked “Which road are ya going to pick on your way down
life’s highway?” Why? Because it isn’t easy. This is the harder road, by far,
where I’m judged for every little thing. This is the road where people ask me
“Why?” and I get weird looks and I can’t always be open about it. This
secquitous route is looked down upon. This road can often feel like a burden,
but if I hadn’t taken it, then what?
I would be ….. “dancing through life, swaying and
sweeping,….” This is the cue to play a song from Wicked! “I say why invite stress
in. Stop studying strife, and learn to live the unexamined life….” I find the
song ironic. The words are very true, but the life Fiero describes isn’t really
living because it’s a life that skims the surface, and never touches any of the
deep things that make life worth living. Fiero stars that way, and turns into
the very opposite of what his life had been. He cares too deeply, but… finds
love.
If I had never, ever considered writing, where would my life
be? If I had written science fiction? What then? But I didn’t. I wrote a
romance for a friend. A gay friend. And where have I come. I’ve seen inside of
me, and found someone who understands WHY I’ve been made to care so deeply
about people. I think it is because way too many people out there don’t care at
all. There is too much pain, too much hate, too many suicides, and I can’t bare
the thought of that. I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives. I want to
touch people… For Good. (cue more music from Wicked!)
I want to be ME. I want to be that part of myself who is
kind and caring and fun and happy. There is plenty I want to change. I want to
let go of my cynicism and hatefulness. I want to be less rude and more
forgiving. I want to let go of hurt and put on love. These processes are not
easy.
Thankfully, I know the kind of person I want to be. And
sometimes, you might get to see her too. J
I can be the person who sings randomly and dances in line at Giant. Why am I
not like that all the time? When the dirt gets thrown in my face more often
than the song rings out in my heart, THAT’S when my joy starts drowning. Bear
with me. I am striving to let the GLEE in me out!
And THIS video, I just love. I think Blaine (Darren Criss) has an amazing voice!!
In closing, since I wrote most of this LAST NIGHT, I want to say that in many ways, I've already reached my dream since I HAVE touched people. A handful, maybe more, and that makes me feel awesome! Thank you to all those who have enjoyed my books and have encouraged me to not give up.
I am currently writing JOCK 3. JOCK 2 is in line edits that I am starting today. ESPECIALLY when a beta reader pointed out words like gLuke. hahhhaha. Yes, this is what people deal with when they know me! baLuke, and gLuke.. hahhaha. loops.
Hugs and Kittens (As Jason would say.)
Wade
xoxoxoo
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