Feeling Behind

Oh wow, okay. There's been a lot going on I guess, in life, in my head, in my world. Last week was RT Booklovers convention and although the week started out difficult for me, I think it ended on a high note. I really appreciate my friends. There are so many of you that get me and have been encouraging. I even got a text Wednesday night that made me cry and reminded me yet again why I write. I always forget and doubt myself because of others who speak into my head that I'm doing it all wrong. Some say I shouldn't write gay romance, and definitely NOT with sexual content. Well, it is what it is. I chose to do it. And when I second guess and reconsider that choice, there always seems to be a shout out or a cry in my darkness that says, "NO! Keep writing, because you made a difference in my life."

I've always said I want to bring hope to a broken world. There is too much pain out there. I feel it all the time. I write it. And yes, I chose to write gay characters because I feel like their story is the one that needs to be told. Will that change? Probably. The world is changing. Right now, it is relevant to me and I want to help make a difference in the world. I have huge dreams and  think that some people in my life can't see the good I do. All they see is what they disagree with. It hurts. But I think I have to go through the hurt to understand something bigger than myself.

I said in the last post that I think I need to see a psychologist or a therapist of some kind. I do. I found the card of the person I saw 5 years ago. I want to go back. I need someone professional who can take my fears and pain and help explain it, maybe?? It's confusing. But I know I have very few people in my everyday personal life that help ground me. All you guys online, and some in my town, are wonderful, but it still feels very lonely at home where I feel alone in a gourd of people. I am going to get help. However, I am not going to let go of my dreams because they seem to large or unattainable. I want to accomplish great things, and I am sad that others in my life don't get that and would rather I give up on everything that means so much to me.

I've also been thinking about my writing schedule and all the stories I want to write. I think I have 4 in the works and another 5 in my head???? With the roll I had in the beginning of the year, I figure that I can produce 25,000 words a months. if you take that and project out over the year, then basically it comes down to 822 words a day. 822! Oh, heck! I can do that! Of course, that is based on consistency. I had a goal of 2 novels this year. I THINK I can make that 2 full novels from scratch and maybe 2 that are either rewrites or ones that were half done already. Keep your fingers crossed for me because I think I might be moving into a realm I've never been in before--one with deadlines and expectations. I want Dreamspinner to be proud of me. I want my readers to be happy. I want ME to feel like I've accomplished more. I want to push myself to greater things. I AM a published author, which was a dream, and now I need to push for more. I CAN publish more than one novel a year. I know I can!

So, at the RT convention, I had a great time. I talked to some wonderful authors that I rarely see and I was so glad to spend time with. I also saw some fans who mean the world to me. Kayla is such a wonderful gal :) And seeing Karen again all the way from France just made me feel so special. I also met Alissa, and Wendy, and Sarah, and some romance authors whom I hope to see again. And having breakfast with Alex, Kayla, Wendy and Sarah made me smile! I think it was a good experience. I am not planning on RT 2016. For one, it is in Las Vegas and I don't really want to go there. And two, I think I need to mix things up a bit and make sure I do other conferences like Liberty States, and maybe Outlanticon, or Bent Con, or Coastal Magic. I have to look into when that are and where they are and plan. It is a lot to take in.

I WILL be at Rainbow Con in Tampa again this year, but also I don't think I will do that same one in 2016. I need to visit other areas in 2016. GRL is in San Diego this year and I WILL be there, and I PLAN on being at GRL 2016 wherever it is. I think that is the one con I want to try to hit every year. I don't know, but for now that is how I feel.

I have had a bunch of crap in my life for so long. Part of it I guess I chose to have because I refuse to stop writing what is not popular and write something that everyone will approve of. Well, I am just me. I have passion and a gift (albeit small) and I want to make a difference in people lives. I think I am. You people out there tell me that all the time. The tester person on Wednesday told me that and it was RIGHT AFTER I got a text that hurt my feelings and made me feel so small. Thank you person (you know who you are.) I need you.

Being a RAINBOW in someone's cloud is hard. But somehow, when the skies are dark and the storms of life pour down, it only takes a tiny bit of sun to hit the right molecules in the atmosphere to make them shine in all their rainbow colored brilliance. Help me shine.

I'm not sure what else there is to say except that I KNOW I forgot a LOT of birthdays lately. I'm sorry if I missed yours. My internet isn;'t always working and I've been offline often this past week. And if I write everyday in order to produce more novels, then please forgive me if I miss posts and forget your birthdays  :(

Keep your fingers crossed for me as I take another step toward being better as an author and as a person.

XOXOOXO