Thursday, August 2, 2012

Gossip, Speculation, and Distrust

As I sit here I have WAY TOO MANY THOUGHTS swirling around in my head. I don't even know where to begin.

Gossip is something I don't like. I have experienced (in my past) malicious gossip that destroyed a part of me. People thinking things and talking about them without even consulting ME. It hurt then and that's why I hate gossip NOW. If you want to know something--ASK!!!

I don't generally give up personal information. WHY? Um, because it's personal. I'm a writer. That is what you need to know. I mostly blog about writing because that is what is important to me and that is what I want to spend my life doing. Sometimes, I write about things in my life. And if you follow me you will learn who I am as you read. Also, things I write about are personal TO ME! There is a lot of me in my characters because they are strong parts of my personality, and my personal observations, and my experiences I have witnessed or experienced personally. To read me is to know me, but without actually meeting me face to face. Will I come out of my little "safety closet" and tell all to that interview woman on E! tv? Probably not anytime soon. Have you read my bio? I don't live in a town where I can openly talk about my beliefs and who I am and what I write. I have to protect ME. Isn't that what we all do to some extent? (protect ourselves) This makes me real. I speak my mind online and I reveal what will not get me beaten, shunned, or excommunicated. People are mean!

I say that but recently people, some people, have proved me wrong. There have been 24 people to date who have gone beyond kindness and donated to help my college friend. (See donation button in previous blog to donate if you wish.) This outpouring of HOPE and love from faceless, nameless, and sometimes, unknown people is just amazing. Do I know some of you personally? Yes, some. But very few. You are showing me that I CAN TRUST PEOPLE AGAIN. But I still have to choose to wisely. I was screwed over by people I knew for a very long time and stalked online and openly chastised. These are things you do not quickly forget. Give me time. I say this because I feel like people WANT to know more, about me and about my friend, but that isn't always possible. I wrote When Love Is Not Enough out of the pain I felt when people betrayed me. I seriously wish The Cost of Loving was published because then you would understand the suffering I went through with the church. (Although the events are changed slightly for dramatization and fictional purposes, they are still real, just altered a bit.)

I also know (from a friend of a friend) that someone might be suggesting that what I am trying to do with my college friend is possibly a fraudulent. I don't know what is going on about that but it hurts me to think someone distrusts my word because I try so hard to be upfront and honest in the things I can share. And seriously, if you want to know something --ask me. Everything is on the donation page anyway. His letter is pretty extensive and revealing. There simply isn't a name or a face attached to it. BUT, here again, in the beginning I said TRUST ME OR DON'T TRUST ME, GIVE OR DON'T GIVE. these things are out there and I'm not forcing anyone to do anything. I'm just asking because it hurts me personally to know what my friend is going through.

I blogged last time about being "distracted"... understatement. It's hard to think when I am worried about what people are saying. On facebook and around town etc... If you notice, I hardly ever post anything besides it being about writing. I don't talk about people. I don't bash other people. And I especially don't mess with other writers. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO. I ask the same respect. If you have something to say then say it to ME. My e-mail address is everywhere.

I AM writing! Really. That call for submission for the BDSM thing is amusing and trying to write a SHORT scene with Matt and Darian is a challenge. A tasty challenge but still... It's hard to contain the word count with them! Anyway... The deadline for that is August 31st. I HOPE to hear from the publisher I submitted to by August 17th. By THAT TIME, I will have this short story done and I can decide whether to include it in book 3, or submit it to Torquere Press. I don't want to step on any publisher's toes. I like to be respectful to their guidelines. I just want TCOL to be published!! If I had simply self-pub'd then it would be out there already! I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It seemed like a lot of work that I didn't have time to research. I just wanted a publisher to do that work for me and here I am with weeks and months invested in WAITING on the publisher when I have a 89% feeling it will be rejected (again) anyway! This also distracts my mind because I hate rejection. (as any author does!)

I WANT to read, but in doing that it will keep me from writing. I think writing is what I need to do this week. (yes, it's almost the END of the week.) 50 Shades of Grey WILL get finished! My friend read the trilogy and didn't die. lol so if he can survive that I can survive book 1!

I'm also tossing around the book with Elliott/Ralph and Nick in it. I'm not sold on his name yet. And I don't have a title. I have half a plot and some scenes. But at least I am writing another book!! I can't only write about Darian. 1. Draining 2. readers would get bored.  I don't want to bore my readers. I want to give you "real life" stuff. Stories that you can read and think, "Omg! That same thing just happened to my friend!!! Wow!"

So now I am going to take my blah self and try to write. Blah because it bothers me that people may not trust the things I say or do.

If you're gonna gossip about me, let it be how awesome a writer I am and how my book should be a movie!!!! 'Cause you know that is my dream in life! I want a movie! :D  And I want my book on the shelves at Target! (but I refuse to write something like 50 Shades to do so!)


Think about it!

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