XXX rated material

I’m pondering the question of X-rated material in excerpts online. (And my theory that catchy blog titles grab viewers.) What are your thoughts, readers? My quandary started over my personal feeling that I shouldn’t list an excerpt that contains sex, or sexually suggestive scenes. I don’t know if any of you remember my rant over 50 Shades of Grey (click for my blog entry on that) and the fact that any underage person who shops at Walmart could grab it off the shelf for a read. My feeling is that adult material shouldn’t be so readily available to underage kids. BUT…. I did ten minutes of research. Seems that it is easy to find explicit stuff online. Kindle on Amazon lists the “Look Inside” option on MANY books. I clicked a few to see what the content was. I started with With Caution by J.L. Langley because I have it and I know what chapter one contains. Yup, turns out you can read it right there on Amazon! So I clicked on another book. (Conveniently Amazon has the section where “readers also bought these” to browse.)

How To Save A Life – very sexually suggestive peek if you “Look Inside”.

Dirty Laundry – hahha! S E X …

Cardio Conditioning – Right to the edge of sexy stuff. It cuts off before the character’s daydream gets too far.

So if these titles have explicit content listed online, why am I so worried? IDK. Maybe I have prudish tendencies? I guess if someone is going to go looking for my books, then they know what is in them. Right? I HOPE my readers are over 18. I can’t guarantee that.

I’ve been to writer websites that have a “Enter” sign if you are over 18, and an “Exit” sign if you are underage. Is it just me, or does that seem pointless? I guess computers with a “content” restriction would weed those out. Wouldn’t they? (My computer is not “content restrictive”.) And so, if you don’t have a “blocker” on the PC/Mac then you can click “ENTER” anytime. You can surf porn, anytime. AND, you can read excerpts that contain sexual material anytime. RIGHT? So maybe I just need to get over myself and list the excerpt of The Cost of Loving without content edits. No “bleeping out” the sexual stuff like a TV commercial. (Although, commercials are getting more risqué all the time.) I’ll change my excerpt on my website soon. For now, here is the uncensored version of Chapter 1 (and the prologue) … Oh, and FYI, I am still not done rewrites. Sorry. Life stuff gets in the way. I hate that!

Prologue

I feel him enter my body and everything else drains away. I’m no longer me. I become the pliable embodiment of orgasmic rapture when he sinks impossibly deep inside and touches those spots that never knew pleasure before. His titillating touch transforms me into a wanton beast of insatiable lust, and I’ve never felt as ravenous as I do in his arms.

It frightens me—this unquenchable desire. What will I become when the thunderous throws of gratification end and I’m simply left with a hollow heart?

I have no answer.

September 2010

Chapter 1

September 28, 2010

Teetering on the verge of an anxiety attack, Matthias Dixon mindlessly drove to work. His nerves were shot—not because his best friend, Jimmy, affectionately known as “Jamie”, died last week; not because he came out to his entire church congregation and faced possible excommunication; not because he feared confrontation from his family; and certainly not because he didn’t want to be gay. Matt drove to the fire station Tuesday morning practically hyperventilating and shaking in his skin because he had to step back into his everyday routine and leave one very important piece of himself at home in his bed: Darian Weston.

Matt inexplicably could not function without holding Darian.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Matt thought for the thousandth time.

He’d only just met Darian last Wednesday. Any sane person would not be attached to another person so quickly… would they? Maybe that was the reason? Matt was insane! He could believe it. It had been an extremely difficult week full of high emotion and stress. Watching Jamie’s casket lowered into the ground almost did him in. That is… until he saw Darian completely break down.

Matt had been standing there drowning in his own sorrow as the pastor spoke a few last words; but when Darian crumbled to the earth sobbing, Matt felt his inner Legolas—his champion—take over. He couldn’t let him suffer alone. He had to go to him and comfort him—protect him. Darian’s heart was broken. Jamie would want Matt to take care of him.

Matt could easily rationalize his actions with the given facts: (1) Darian was Jamie’s fiancé; (2) Jamie loved Darian; (3) Matt was Jamie’s best friend; and (4) Darian was Matt’s last physical link to Jamie. Conclusion: Matt logically needed to care for Darian.

The only complication between them was sex.

Matt had had sex with Darian. Lots of sex! Darian was like a drug, and Matt’s senses craved more with every touch. Matt knew it was wrong to swoop in on Jamie’s territory so soon after his death, but it happened accidentally. At least he kept telling himself that. The first few times could be attributed to bad judgment, but the last few… several… several several… times could not be blown-off as “accidental”. Even after Matt knew who Darian was, he still went back for more and unabashedly fucked him without restraint.

As he drove to work, Matt tried to clear his mind. Who was he kidding? He was intoxicated by a living opiate, and there was no twelve-step program to cure him.

Stained came on the radio, and Matt sang along. When the chorus played, he got the eerie impression the song was written for him. “I can’t live without, all I think about, all I want is you….”

It was all so true.

For the second time in his life, Matt’s hands shook as he turned the corner onto Main Street. At the red light, he groped under the seat for the crumpled brown bag he remembered from three weeks ago. He inhaled the stench of greasy burgers in a desperate attempt to control his breathing. When the light turned green, he flung the useless bag to the floor. He didn’t need a fucking bag! He couldn’t breathe because he missed Darian’s scent. He couldn’t think because he missed Darian’s voice. Even the steering wheel felt unbearably ridged because his fingers craved Darian’s smooth skin.

Matt always brushed his teeth after he ate, but he purposely did not after he and Darian made love before he left. Made love? Matt never thought he’d use that phrase in a million years! Except with Darian, it was way more than fucking. Matt wanted to savor Darian like a French delicacy or a fine wine. He wanted to nibble at his skin and devour his essence. Matt needed to taste Darian as long as he could throughout the morning, which is why he hadn’t brushed his teeth.

He moved his tongue around in his mouth. Matt sighed and swallowed. The taste was still there—Darian’s salty and tangy yet slightly sweet flavor lingered. Matt smiled thinking about the cum he resisted swallowing because he wanted to share the ambrosia with his lover.

Darian liked it. He actually liked it when Matt gathered Darian’s cum in his mouth and then kissed him deep and long, allowing the thick fluid to coat their kiss and saturate it until they could no longer breathe and were forced apart. He’d done it twice now, and Darian didn’t mind. Matt was ecstatic.

This was why the sex complicated matters. Matt knew he needed to comfort Darian. And they should be there to help one another get over the loss of Jamie. They’d even talked about it. Being together wasn’t supposed to be about sex, but rather about a mutual need and their link to Jamie. Only… Matt’s body conflicted with his sensibilities and wouldn’t accept that stipulation. Every time he got near Darian’s exquisite, lithe body Matt yearned to do things to it. Kinky things.

Some guys, in his experience, liked kinky sex—snowballing, chocolate and vanilla, champagne enemas, bondage, toys, and the like. Matt even participated in such behaviors before, but never had he enjoyed anything so much as he did with Darian. He liked sharing cum-filled kisses after breakfast, and he hoped that Darian would be willing to try some things with him in the future. Just the thought of kink was making Matt hard—Darian strapped in a sling, Matt fucking his mouth, stretching his lips wide, his throat swallowing Matt’s erection. Matt imagined feeling the ball of Darian’s tongue piercing, sliding along the length of his hard cock.

“Shit!” Matt exclaimed as he rounded the curve in the road and almost ran over a groundhog. He swerved to avoid the rodent and left tire marks over the double yellow.

He panted and refocused his attention on the road instead of his heated groin.

“Note to self,” he mused aloud, “do not think of Darian’s tongue while driving.”

Matt shook his head and grinned. There was no way he could go a few minutes and not think of Darian’s tongue. Or his hands, his lips, his ass…. Fuck, Matt couldn’t even keep Darian’s toes out of his mind! This morning he’d sucked them. Sucked his fucking toes! That was a first for sure. Never in his life did Matt imagine sucking on a guy’s toes and finding it erotic. But it was. Everything about Darian was erotic.

Matt’s mouth watered. He yearned to taste all of his skin, toes included. Matt wanted nothing more than to take a week off and lick Darian until his saliva glands stopped working. Except… Matt could not take more time off work. He had taken too much time off already.

Jamie was not immediate family. No matter how close they were, it was still against company policy to request time off due to a death of a close friend. Matt was obligated to work his shifts at the station, and his friends could only switch shifts so many times.

Mr. Walsh, the boss at his second job, understood, but even he could only accommodate Matt so long or business would suffer. Matt wasn’t a kid any more. Work was work, and he had responsibilities.

Matt turned the corner of the next street and pulled into the parking lot of the fire station. He turned the engine off and sat for a few minutes. Tuesday. This was his first day back to work since he openly admitted his sexual preference in church on Sunday, just two days ago. Matt ran his shaking hand over his buzzed hair. This was the moment of truth. Did gossip travel faster than smoke and fire? He was about to find out.

He stepped out of his silver Dodge Dakota and pressed the button on the key fob.

“Hey man,” Jason greeted him with a smile as he entered the side door.

At least Jason seems to be acting normal. Maybe he hasn’t heard yet?

“Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t make it to your church on Sunday like I promised.” Jason explained. He’d always been a thoughtful friend, and Matt appreciated his sincerity. “My wife wanted to see our friend’s baby get baptized. We went to their church and then their house afterwards.”

“That’s cool. You didn’t miss much.” Except the part where I came out. Matt shrugged casually, masking the fact that his insides were squirming as if he’d just eaten ten, frozen burritos and then jogged all the way to work. “I’m just glad you could make it to the funeral. It means a lot.” Matt could fake nonchalance—he had years of practice. Besides, Jason’s presence really did mean a lot so it wasn’t like Matt was lying.

“Yeah, me too.” Jason nodded as he and Matt walked over to the cubbies where their gear was stowed. Jason shuffled things around as they talked. “Again, I’m sorry about Jimmy. He was a great guy. Well, I mean, he seemed to be a great guy from the few times he hung out with us. He didn’t talk about himself much. He was funny, but private. Ya know? I don’t think he ever mentioned a girlfriend either. Did he have one? I don’t remember seeing a girlfriend at the funeral.”

“No, no girlfriend.” Matt felt a cold streak shoot up his spine. He took a brand new flashlight out of the box and put the batteries in. He wished they had lockers. Lots of fire stations had lockers for the men. Things wouldn’t walk off so easily that way! But not here. The Chief was not in a hurry to replace “the system” as he referred to it. He liked everything open and quickly accessible. Plus, there wasn’t any money in the budget to revamp the place right now. In February, part of the rec-hall caught fire, and their building had to undergo major repairs. Luckily all the damage was in the rear of the building and business could go on as usual from the front. Matt’s other flashlight “magically” disappeared two weeks ago, but it gave him the excuse to order a better one. This Pelican StealthLite was pretty sweet!

As Jason tinkered with his own things, he continued the conversation with genuine interest. “And who was that guy who started bawling at the grave site? I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Me and Anna were standing in the back. She thought maybe he was a brother or something?”

Matt’s stomach flipped. Suddenly he wished he had eaten burritos for breakfast because then he would have an incontestable excuse if he ran to the toilet to heave. He knew he could lie to Jason, but what was the point? I’m the one who came out to my fucking congregation! If he was nervous about the truth, he should have guarded it more closely over the weekend. Matt tried to keep his voice steady as he responded.

“The correct phrasing is ‘Anna and I’,” he ragged. Matt knew Jason would roll his eyes—he did every time Matt corrected his grammar. He also used the opportunity to release some of his own tension; correcting Jason was fun. But his fun only lasted a second. “The guy at the funeral was…” he stammered nervously. “He was… That guy was Jamie’s boyfriend.” There, he said it! “His fiancé, actually.”

Jason’s eyes went wide. “Shit! No kiddin’? I had no idea Jimmy was gay. Damn.”

Matt didn’t know what to make of Jason’s reaction. The topic of homosexuality never came up before. Why would it? If you weren’t gay, you certainly didn’t walk around talking about it with your straight, work buddies unless it was to make fun of people who were. Matt remembered lots of times when the guys would laugh out loud at the television and mock something in a girly-voice, pretending they were one of… the gays. It aggravated Matt to no end, but he never said a word. No one ever caught on to his discomfort. The guys were absorbed in whatever sport played on the television and never noticed Matt walk away.

Things were going to change now. Matt had openly admitted his “gayness” on Sunday. It was only a matter of time before word got around to the guys at the station. Matt was positive that somebody knew somebody who knew a firefighter who knew one of the guys he worked with. Of course, work was a thirty-minute drive south from his church, but one never knew where the “church people” shopped and who their friends were and who they were going to talk to next. Matt knew word would get around sooner or later.

He couldn’t avoid talking about it now. He owed Jason the decency of being honest and not allowing him to find out second hand. They’d been friends for several years. Jason was the guy to show him the ropes when he got hired as a rookie out of the academy. Other guys weren’t so open, so friendly, especially when at least six people in this fire station were volunteers and not paid as full-time career employees. Matt, through no fault of his own, had to work hard to get past their grudges. It wasn’t his fault that he was at the top of his class and this station was looking to hire someone young. That was the way it was! Plus, not all these guys had Matt’s skill-level, even if they were older.

Jason, in contrast, knew what it was like on both sides. He started as a volunteer, learned and worked his way up. When a paid position became available, he jumped for it. And when Matt got hired right out of cadet school, Jason was there at his side mentoring him from day one. Matt knew he owed him, but should he tell Jason the truth now or wait a few days? He swallowed hard.

“So, um, Jason? Would it have mattered?” Please say no, please say no.

“Huh?” Jason looked up from relacing his boots with new laces. Jason had gone from deep interest in the conversation to complete absorption into his boots.  “Ah, I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I never thought about it before.”

At least he’s honest. Matt reasoned.

“I never knew someone who… well, who was gay.”

Matt sat on the bench next to him. The way Jason whispered the last word didn’t sit well with Matt’s stomach. He felt more nauseous with every passing second. Shit, he reconsidered; I can’t have this conversation now, I have to wait. He’s gonna reject me. I know it. “It’s not all that uncommon.” Matt replied in a calm, steady voice, masking his trepidation and the imminent projectile vomiting that threatened and burned his esophagus.

“Not in this county,” answered Jason. “My parents moved here because it’s ultraconservative. The state may be Democratic overall, but this county is definitely full of Republicans. I thought you told me one time your parents voted for Bush.”

“They did,” Matt confirmed. “And they weren’t overly joyful when Obama got elected.” He quickly held up his hands and added, “But not because he’s black or anything. And they fully support him now, since he’s our president.”

“Chill, Matt. I know your dad’s cool with the color of my skin. It was all in the way he shook my hand.” He slapped Matt on the back and grinned. “My daddy always told me you could tell the character of a man by the way he shakes your hand.”

Matt gave him a skeptical lift of the eyebrows. “My dad never used to be that way, believe me. I remember a time when he’d curse black people… I mean, people of color… for stealing his parking spot at the grocery store and shit like that.”

“Matt. You can say black people,” Jason winked. “It doesn’t bother me. I know I’m black.”

“I never know who I’m gonna offend.”

Jason finished the one boot and started lacing the leather thong through the first eyelet on the second. When on duty, but waiting for a call, every firefighter had to find something to do. “Not me. If anything I get irritated at people callin’ us ‘African Americans’. I don’t know about you, but I was born in America. My parents, my grandparents, heck, even my great-grandparents were born in America. In my mind, I’m American—simple as that. I don’t hear anybody calling you an Irish-American.”

Matt chuckled, “I get your point.”

“America from the beginning was a melting pot. Wasn’t it? America began as a blending of cultures over the commonality of religion. Our founding fathers fled British tyranny and pursued religious freedom. Am I wrong?”

“I guess not,” Matt answered tentatively. He’d seen Jason get fired up before and start preaching about one thing or another to the guys, but never had Matt been the recipient of such a lecture. Who knew that calling him “black” would trigger a whole speech on what it meant to be American? One thing was sure, Matt was glad the subject shifted away from Jamie’s orientation. He wanted more time to feel out Jason’s opinion on the matter before he threw him another curveball.

“Of course, I’m right. So to get back to your original question—I’m not sure how I feel about Jimmy,” Jason continued talking without shifting his concentration from the task at hand.

Matt squirmed. Leave it to Jason not to stray for long.

“To be honest, I liked him. He was funny and nice and I can’t remember him comin’ on to anybody. He acted just like everybody else.” Jason stood and arranged his boots and overalls in front of his locker. They were meant to be set-up at all times so that all each firefighter had to do was toe-off his or her normal shoes and slip inside the boots and overalls in one seamless movement when the alarm sounded.

Matt’s back went rigid. “Of course he was just like everyone else. What did you think? ‘Gay’ meant humping every guy’s leg like a horny dog at a cocktail party?” he snapped, and regretted it immediately. He could have kicked himself. If ever he was trying to be subtle and keep the focus off himself being gay, this was not the way to go about it. Jason would know for sure!

Jason tilted his head, “Testy, testy. I guess someone’s a little defensive of his best friend’s honor.”

“Sorry,” he lamented, feeling guilty for his verbal attack. But, he had been keeping his opinions on homosexuality to himself for twenty-three years; he knew he was bound to explode sooner or later now that he’d spilled the beans at church. Matt just had to try and get his point across. “I just… it’s not fair to assume people are going to act a certain way just because they prefer sleeping with someone of the same sex. It’s like people assuming you have no money because you’re black, or that Billy’s stupid because he’s from West Virginia.”

Jason stood there and stared at him. Just stared. A whimsical grin curved his face, yet he continued to stare. It was unnerving.

“What?” Matt asked. “Dude, stop staring at me like that. What’d I say?” Matt honestly did not know what Jason was thinking that made his lips lift unevenly and his eyebrows arch. Although he could guess! Matt’s knee started bouncing on its own. “Would you stop!”

Jason shook his head. “Who knew?”

Matt’s mouth went dry. “Who knew what?”

“About you.”

“About me, what?” This is it. He’s figured it out! His guts clenched, readying for the burning coals of judgment.

“That you, Matthias Dixon—the ladies’ man and all around horn-dog on the prowl for the past few years—you, have an IQ over sixty and you actually believe in something. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak your mind about prejudice before. Good for you!”

Matt breathed a sigh of relief and grumbled, “A normal IQ is between ninety and one-hundred-nine.”

Jason casually continued, “See, just another factor to add to your set of statistics. You never can tell about people. I always say that. You never know how much they earn, or where they’re from, or how smart they are based on what they’re wearin’. You have to get to know people. Just like you.” He held out his hand toward Matt, “I knew you weren’t a true sleaze ball, even if you never had a steady girlfriend. You were just biding your time. You needed to find just the right girl to make you happy. How is your little cutie-pie, anyway? What’s her name?”

“Darian.” Compulsion spilled that one.

“Darian? Well that’s an unusual name. She still rock your world? I remember last week you were dying. Something about her ‘tight little ass’.”

Matt’s stomach was churning again. First it was his fear of judgment and now it was fear of saying the wrong thing to trigger the judgment. He didn’t want to talk to Jason right now about Darian, yet he had to admit the sound of Darian’s name made him tingle.

Jason teased Matt last week about being in love. Jason was a romantic at heart. Matt refuted it. It wasn’t true. Maybe. Probably. Matt was still wavering; but if he admitted his feelings to Jason, the man would gloat. It had only been six days since they met. Who fell in love in six days? It was surely more than lust, but love? The jury was still undecided.

He had to confess though; he couldn’t hear Darian’s name enough, just like he couldn’t get enough of Darian’s smooth, white skin and his voluptuous mouth. His whole body shivered thinking about Darian. Even when sex was over, and they snuggled in bed or ate a meal together, Matt found himself smiling more than he ever had. And that was saying a lot! Matt was generally a happy person. Now, with Darian in his life, he was hitting an all-time-high. Maybe it was love?

Matt was only marginally aware of his previous anxiety as he gushed, “Darian’s amazing.” His voice turned all day-dreamy. If he were outside himself right now Matt might have kicked himself for acting so lovesick. “Adorable, gentle, sweet; I can never get enough of those big brown eyes. My world is seriously rocked and flipped on end. And that body…” he sighed, his head tilting back. “Oh, God. Darian’s body molds to mine like we were made for one another. His lips taste like fresh strawberries. I can hardly—”

Right then the siren sounded long and loud.

Jason screwed up his eyes and leaned closer, “Did you just say ‘his’?”

Matt’s instinct drove him to grab his gear immediately. He wasn’t sure he heard Jason correctly. “Huh? I…,” he started to say but waved him off, grabbing his overalls after toeing-off his shoes. This wasn’t the time to clarify anything.

Men rushed about them trying to don their gear quickly. Jason followed suit. Each of them fell into the sixty-second routine they were made for. They were firefighters. Somewhere there was a fire and a medical emergency, and it was their job to be prepared and ready as fast as possible. Matt and Jason pulled on their gear and followed several others to the fire engine.

***

Matt was exhausted. He hadn’t worked that hard in a week. Last Thursday he had a shift before the viewing but there were no emergency calls. In theory he could have had a lot of sleep that night and every night since, but he and Darian stayed up fucking for hours. Matt chuckled. He often functioned well on no sleep when sex was the explanation.

Although, probably not tonight.

Matt’s body wanted sleep.

As he turned into the parking lot of his apartment complex, he spied Darian’s red Nissan. Relief washed over his sore muscles. Darian. Matt parked his truck and trudged across the asphalt. He was glad Darian decided to stick around. He could not recall if Darian said he had to work or not? Matt would have to get Darian to write down his schedule and where he worked. He remembered reading something about American Eagle in Jamie’s journals, but he wasn’t positive. They barely knew each other even though Matt had read all Jamie’s journals. The journals contained facts, but they were facts based on Jamie’s opinion not necessarily reality. So even if Matt knew a lot about Darian, he still didn’t know Darian. Plus, it was a lot to remember all at once. He knew he would be reading them again.

There was also brief talk yesterday about moving in together. Matt wanted Darian to stay, but it scared the piss out of him to think of the commitment involved with renting an apartment together. Right now he lived with his Aunt Peggy. She was easy to live with, mostly because she travelled for work and was rarely home. Living with Darian wouldn’t be like that. Peggy had her own room. Darian would be in his room, sharing his space. Not that Matt minded sharing his space, but the whole experience of a relationship was new and freakin’ scary! Plus, Darian was getting over the loss of his first love and fiancé. Matt wasn’t sure if and when they should move in together, or even if it was a good idea no matter how good it sounded when he brought it up.

He needed time. Did Darian want time? Matt wasn’t completely sure of Darian’s feelings either way. He seemed to care; yet so far he hadn’t said one way or another how he felt toward Matt. Darian needed him, and it was very clear he wanted him, but that felt superficial. Matt yearned for verbal confirmation.

Fuck!

Matt was too tired to think.

He opened the door, and all was quiet. Was Darian really still here? He shed his jacket and set his keys on the breakfast bar. On the way down the hall, he pulled off his shirt. He opened the bedroom door and saw the lump under the covers. Matt smiled. He’s still here. As terrifying as moving in together seemed seconds ago, the thought that Darian left without a word was even worse.

Matt showered and got ready for bed as quickly as he could. He wanted sleep, but couldn’t imagine finding it without spooning himself around Darian. He lifted the covers and slid in beside him. Darian was asleep on his stomach, with his hands curled up by his neck. Adorable!

Matt left the light on in the bathroom and cracked the door so he could see. He never kept a light on at night before, but now he had a reason. He loved looking at Darian! The man was beautiful when he slept and even more so when he came. Matt could imagine making love to Darian on a beach or in a sun-drenched meadow, anywhere and everywhere as long as he could look into Darian’s eyes and watch pleasure flow over his features.

A sun-drenched meadow? Fuck! Matt shook his head. There’s Jamie’s romantic influence again. Or was it Jason’s? Matt wasn’t sure which guy put more notions in his head, but he was sure they came from one of his two friends. Matt was not a romantic person in the past. He was all about the fucking and didn’t give a rat’s ass about the trick he picked up. It was always about his own orgasm.

He’d done anyone, just as long as (1) they did not live within sixty miles of his hometown, (2) they didn’t try to kiss him, (3) they were not interested in more than a one-time deal, (4) the guy didn’t ask to go to his place, (5) they agreed ahead of time to group sex or not, (6) no restraints were used without discussing safe-words and fetish preferences, and (7)….

Matt stopped midthought. He made his set of conditions or “rules” years ago, but looking at Darian he realized that none of them applied. He’d broken the first several without a second thought the day he met Darian. He wanted Darian in his bed—in his hometown. Matt already fucked… no! made love to him repeatedly and planned to be with him countless more times. And kissing Darian was heavenly. Matt threw out rule number two after the first swipe of Darian’s tongue.

Matt didn’t need rules. He needed Darian.

Matt scooted down until his body was aligned next to Darian’s, and he moved his pillow out of the way so his head was flat on the mattress beside Darian’s. He pulled the sheet back. He could hardly make out Darian’s face because his hair was covering most of it. Matt carefully smoothed it back with calloused, yet gentle fingers.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. Suddenly, rule number five popped into his mind and Matt felt a flush of anger. “No! Ain’t no way I’m gonna allow anyone else to touch you. I want this body all to myself.”

Do I have the right to say that? he wondered. Were they together? Kind of. Matt talked to Jason about the prospect of dating Darian last week, but the conversation hadn’t actually gone anywhere. Jason had even assumed Darian was a girl, and Matt felt guilty about not correcting him—but he could think about that right now. Matt needed to figure out Darian first. Was Darian his? Sex—no matter how good—did not equate to dating. Darian was in no position to make a decision until he had time to mourn. His loss was deep and painful, and Matt knew dating was the last thing on Darian’s mind. Besides, what they shared was supposed to be about comfort. Comfort. He repeated the word, trying to convince himself.

He intended to comfort Darian and desired comfort in return; but every time he got near Darian, his dick did all the talking.

“Did Jamie make love to you every night?” Asking Darian this question would only happen in his sleep. It was inappropriate. Matt gently touched the side of Darian’s face hoping he could touch him and think out loud without waking him up. “Did he watch you in your sleep? Did he touch your hair and talk to you about things he’d never have the nerve to ask when you were awake?”

Matt wasn’t sure. The journals were unclear on that point. Jamie wrote mostly about his conflicting emotions. Jamie had feelings for Darian and Matt, and he didn’t know how to handle them. That was the reason Jamie instructed Matt to burn the journals. He would… eventually. For now Matt couldn’t let them go. They were Jamie’s thoughts, no matter how hurtful or confused or damaging. Matt wanted to commit every word to memory before destroying the evidence.

Matt’s hand glided over Darian’s bare shoulder. He stirred. Matt edged closer. He felt Darian’s heat on his belly and groin. Matt touched Darian’s lower back and watched the man’s brown eyes slowly open. Matt grinned. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I couldn’t resist touching you.”

Darian smiled. His sleepy eyes blinked.

Matt leaned closer and kissed Darian’s temple. Darian sighed. Matt moved his hand over Darian’s rounded buttocks and traced his crack with his middle finger. Darian snickered.

“I really intended on sleeping,” Matt explained. “Honest. Sex was not on my mind when I slipped in bed beside you.” He pressed his erection closer. “But then this happened.”

Darian’s smile widened, and he turned his blushing face onto the sheet. He spread his legs as Matt’s finger probed deeper between his cheeks.

Matt loved Darian’s eager response. He pressed his body snugly alongside Darian’s as he whispered into his ear, “I’ll sleep better after I come. I promise.” Matt slowly climbed on top Darian’s body and grabbed a pre-lubed condom off the nightstand. He tore it open and rolled it into place while leaning his weight on one knee. Matt stuck his fingers in his mouth and coated them before reaching down to Darian’s rear. He coated Darian with saliva and pressed his fingers inside, whispering to his lover again. “Mmm, baby, I want you so bad.” He pumped him with two fingers a few times and then replaced his hand with his cock. They’d been at it so much; Matt hardly needed to prep him at all anymore.

Darian whimpered when Matt sunk inside.

Matt’s body covered Darian’s back as he moved in him slowly. He repositioned his arms over Darian’s and laced his fingers in each of Darian’s hands. His mouth found Darian’s as Darian craned his neck. Their tongues slipped and slid around each other, but Darian pulled away—moaning. Matt tucked his face in Darian’s hair close to his neck. “You feel so good, Dare.” Matt breathed his words heavily as he thrust his hips like a piston. “So good.”

“H-harder,” Darian groaned.

“No. I want it slow.”

Darian pushed his ass backwards. “More,” he demanded.

Matt responded by pressing his chest down, pinning Darian more securely to the mattress. “No. I want this to last.”

“Matt, pleeease.”

“No!” Matt asserted, squeezing Darian’s fingers tightly between his. Darian’s begging was exhilarating, but Matt was determined to hold his ground. He enjoyed feeling all of his skin touching all of Darian’s. Flesh on flesh. They spent so many nights already going at it like animals; tonight he simply wanted to envelope Darian entirely. He could feel his nipples rubbing against Darian’s back. He could feel his thighs rubbing along the insides of Darian’s. He nuzzled his face in Darian’s hair and kissed the nape of his neck. “Oh Dare... I love how you make me feel.” He tilted his hips to the side on the next plunge, and Darian’s moans went up an octave.

“Is that it, baby? Is that your spot?” He swiveled again in the same manner, and Darian cried out. Matt grinned. “Oh yeah. That’s it.” He kept hitting the same angle as he undulated, and Darian’s pleasure cries hit soprano.

Matt was spurred on to new heights of delight. Darian made him feel like a king, like a sexual god. Inside of Darian he could do no wrong. Inside of Darian, he would be content for days, weeks even. In, out, in, out. Thrusting. Diving. Plunging his manhood further into Darian’s depths. Hearing his wails of libidinous satisfaction echoing in the quiet of the night. Matt let go of Darian’s left hand and slid his arm under his chest, pulling Darian’s body tightly to him. Matt pushed his knee forward, spreading Darian’s legs wider and giving himself better leverage. He picked up his pace as he climaxed.

Darian must have come too because he was no longer wailing, he was panting. Matt rested his weight back down and squeezed his lover. “So good, Dare. So good.” He kissed his neck and licked the edge of his ear.

Reluctantly, Matt slid out and removed the condom. He dropped it over the side of the bed and made himself comfortable next to Darian.

“Can you scoot over? I’m lying in a wet spot.”

“Sure. Sorry,” Matt complied, and Darian slid over with him. Matt pulled Darian close and held him, “Is this better?”

Darian nodded. He snuggled his head in the crook of Matt’s armpit and curled both arms between his chest and Matt’s side. Darian sighed and closed his eyes.

It was the perfect end to an exhausting day. Matt smiled and hugged his beautiful lover before drifting off to sleep.

So, give me your opinions? Too much? Should I list a "content warning" before the excerpt? Should I NOT opt fot the “look inside” part of Kindle? Let me know what you think. And if you haven’t read When Love Is Not Enough, you should! Hahha. But you don’t have to. I am attempting to write this as a stand alone. WLINE will explain a lot of what is going on, but I think the content in TCOL fills in the gaps well enough.

If I don't catch you online, have a great weekend!

Laterz.

Wade