Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A very GLEE me

Alright, I admit it, I am addicted to Glee. I’m probably 5 years behind everyone else, but oh well. That pretty much sums up my life. I didn’t start wearing Converse All Stars until my thirties. I am a slow starter. I live under a rock. I rarely pay attention. Perhaps that’s why I am always left out, or waaaay behind everyone else.

Whichever the case, I LOVE GLEE. I haven’t watched it all. I even skipped some, went back, watched them, finished a season, watched more, skipped some, and need to watch the ones I skipped. This is the curse of having Yout Tube and knowing SOME of what is coming up. So I skipped a few episodes to watch the episode Original Song, and I finished season two and I need to watch the couple I missed in the middle and then watch season three.

What I see in that show, is myself. I was a loner in school. I had few friends. I never joined show choir, but I didn’t know it existed until a few years ago, and I really can’t sing. I LIKE singing, but my range is very limited. I can not sing high notes, and when I try, birds die. But watching a show about the losers in school and how they band together in support of each other, while fighting (lol), Is refreshing. I can identify with Rachel. She has a dream. So do I. I don’t think I was that bitchy when I was younger, but I am definitely getting good at it now. People get crappy with me and I get cynical and grumpy and I start losing sight of ME. Who I am. What I see as my purpose.

I am a huge show tune person. At least I think I am. I have often thought about doing an entire rundown of how the musical Wicked was written about me. Defying Gravity, Not That Girl, No Good Dead, Dancing Through Life, all great songs that in some way reflect a part of ME.

When watching Glee, it reminded me of who I am. AND… that I was born this way.

Yes, it’s a Lady Gaga song. But before that, I thought about the concept five years back when I was adopting my son. Someone told me not to “over mother” him or be too affectionate or huggy or…. well….. ME. I was basically told not to be too much ME. And I held back. I regret that now. After several weeks with him it was apparent that I was exactly what he needed at the time.

Since then, I have done some Bible studies and such and one of the ones I took about women in general taught me I was created this way. I am ME for a reason. I am overly sensitive, deeply feeling, I sense things and read people, I need people—not in the “needy” sense but I can’t survive well alone for long periods of time. I like to touch people and conversely like to be touched. I like to laugh. I like to dance—even if I am horrible at it. I like to SING!!! I like to sing show tunes! I like to cry with people, or for people. I know who I am. I am here to touch people.

Sometimes the touch is physical, like a hug. But sometimes, it is through another of my gifts—my words. I write in order to touch people.

I have a voice, and my soul has something to sing. I haven’t figured it all out yet, but all I know is that my dream is too big to let go. Rachel in Glee has a dream, and at the moment, I don’t know where it goes because I’m in season 2. But that’s like ME. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I need to try to get there.

In the song Loser Like Me (from Glee) I thought, “That’s me.” I was the loser. And sometimes, maybe people would say I still am. But I don’t think so. I think I am still chasing my dream and I haven’t gotten there yet. The losers, are the ones who took a few steps and gave up, or didn’t even dare to dream.

I think God gives us hopes and dreams because we can take them and inspire others to dare to dream. I want to make a difference in the world, and maybe it is simply by sparking dreams in others.

What I find sad, are the people in my life who dare to snuff out my dreams. The people who don’t like how I go about chasing my dreams like I took the wrong road on the way to the “dream store.” Maybe I did. Maybe this road isn’t the one most travel. But isn’t there a saying about taking the road less travelled? I think Robin Williams quoted it in Dead Poets Society. “Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.” It is by Robert Frost, not Robin Williams. :)

This road I travel is probably not the road I would have picked ten years ago if asked “Which road are ya going to pick on your way down life’s highway?” Why? Because it isn’t easy. This is the harder road, by far, where I’m judged for every little thing. This is the road where people ask me “Why?” and I get weird looks and I can’t always be open about it. This secquitous route is looked down upon. This road can often feel like a burden, but if I hadn’t taken it, then what?

I would be ….. “dancing through life, swaying and sweeping,….” This is the cue to play a song from Wicked! “I say why invite stress in. Stop studying strife, and learn to live the unexamined life….” I find the song ironic. The words are very true, but the life Fiero describes isn’t really living because it’s a life that skims the surface, and never touches any of the deep things that make life worth living. Fiero stars that way, and turns into the very opposite of what his life had been. He cares too deeply, but… finds love.

If I had never, ever considered writing, where would my life be? If I had written science fiction? What then? But I didn’t. I wrote a romance for a friend. A gay friend. And where have I come. I’ve seen inside of me, and found someone who understands WHY I’ve been made to care so deeply about people. I think it is because way too many people out there don’t care at all. There is too much pain, too much hate, too many suicides, and I can’t bare the thought of that. I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives. I want to touch people… For Good. (cue more music from Wicked!)

I want to be ME. I want to be that part of myself who is kind and caring and fun and happy. There is plenty I want to change. I want to let go of my cynicism and hatefulness. I want to be less rude and more forgiving. I want to let go of hurt and put on love. These processes are not easy.

Thankfully, I know the kind of person I want to be. And sometimes, you might get to see her too. J I can be the person who sings randomly and dances in line at Giant. Why am I not like that all the time? When the dirt gets thrown in my face more often than the song rings out in my heart, THAT’S when my joy starts drowning. Bear with me. I am striving to let the GLEE in me out!

And THIS video, I just love. I think Blaine (Darren Criss) has an amazing voice!!

In closing, since I wrote most of this LAST NIGHT, I want to say that in many ways, I've already reached my dream since I HAVE touched people. A handful, maybe more, and that makes me feel awesome! Thank you to all those who have enjoyed my books and have encouraged me to not give up. 

I am currently writing JOCK 3. JOCK 2 is in line edits that I am starting today. ESPECIALLY when a beta reader pointed out words like gLuke. hahhhaha. Yes, this is what people deal with when they know me! baLuke, and gLuke.. hahhaha. loops.

Hugs and Kittens (As Jason would say.)



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