Thursday, May 28, 2015

My Insanity

I don't like repeating myself. Either when someone isn't listening, or forgot what I said. I especially do not like repeating myself as I am TODAY. I feel like I am stuck in a Buffy Episode where she went into the basement for the Mummy Hand and the day repeated itself in an endless loop. (Well, it DID end… but whatever). Today is De Ja Vu (I obviously don't know how to spell that.)

I am actually doing all the same errands I did yesterday and it annoys me. I went to the bank yesterday, WHY do I have to go there again TODAY????? Also, I went to the post office YESTERDAY, why do I have to go today???? Well, obviously because I was not thinking ahead and I didn't balance my check book yesterday or I would have noticed that I had several checks lying around that needed to be deposited. I am made of money so I guess they could have waited -- NOT!! I also forgot the skirt I wanted to return when I went to the post office yesterday and I really wanted to return it because I NEED the refund. I didn't like it at all.

Yesterday I ALSO picked one daughter up from school AND I have to do it again today!!!

What I did NOT do today was write. (YET) This is probably why I am annoyed. Writing relaxes me. I am NOT relaxed. I am stressed. I fly to Boston tomorrow and I am not packed. My child had an ear infection this morning so I had to take her to the doctor with all my extra time. Then I took the prescription to the pharmacy and it was closed for lunch. OMGosh!!! Let me just wait my time waiting around. No! I went to Birdie's. I figure if I am on repeat, then that is where I went yesterday. I got the same sandwich! A BLT on a pretzel roll with avocado. When JOCK 2 comes out, I reference this sandwich. It's my favorite. I think Alonzo gets it for lunch.

If you haven't noticed, I am have absent from Facebook slightly. I mean, I'm on it, but from my phone. My family has had a personal thing that has taken up some time. I think everything is fine now, but it has been stressful. I have been to the hospital several times.

I also started painting rocks yesterday while my kid had friends over so then it wasn't something that would irritate me being interrupted to make dinner to drive kids home. The thing with the stones is that I am not an artist. I am also slow. I have a hard time painting names on them, yet this is the project I decided to take on. I wanted to write the names of all my fans on the rocks and put them in a jar on my desk to remind me of all the people I care about, and who care for me and enjoy my writing. I am seeing some issues with that. I have 175 fans in the Wade Brigade. That should mean that 175 stones need to be done. However, there are people I want to include that are not in my group. So, I painted a couple of those names. But as I look at my list of "friends" on Facebook, there are MANY names of people that I consider my friends and that I think should be on a stone in my jar. So, this could take a while!!!! Here is a pic of the ones so far. If your name isn't there, it may be on my list. Or, hey, comment below and tell me to paint you a stone.

In other news I am writing. So, I'll have to give you an update on all the projects I have going soon. Hugs and kittens (lol. luv ya Jay!)



Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Feeling Behind

Oh wow, okay. There's been a lot going on I guess, in life, in my head, in my world. Last week was RT Booklovers convention and although the week started out difficult for me, I think it ended on a high note. I really appreciate my friends. There are so many of you that get me and have been encouraging. I even got a text Wednesday night that made me cry and reminded me yet again why I write. I always forget and doubt myself because of others who speak into my head that I'm doing it all wrong. Some say I shouldn't write gay romance, and definitely NOT with sexual content. Well, it is what it is. I chose to do it. And when I second guess and reconsider that choice, there always seems to be a shout out or a cry in my darkness that says, "NO! Keep writing, because you made a difference in my life."

I've always said I want to bring hope to a broken world. There is too much pain out there. I feel it all the time. I write it. And yes, I chose to write gay characters because I feel like their story is the one that needs to be told. Will that change? Probably. The world is changing. Right now, it is relevant to me and I want to help make a difference in the world. I have huge dreams and  think that some people in my life can't see the good I do. All they see is what they disagree with. It hurts. But I think I have to go through the hurt to understand something bigger than myself.

I said in the last post that I think I need to see a psychologist or a therapist of some kind. I do. I found the card of the person I saw 5 years ago. I want to go back. I need someone professional who can take my fears and pain and help explain it, maybe?? It's confusing. But I know I have very few people in my everyday personal life that help ground me. All you guys online, and some in my town, are wonderful, but it still feels very lonely at home where I feel alone in a gourd of people. I am going to get help. However, I am not going to let go of my dreams because they seem to large or unattainable. I want to accomplish great things, and I am sad that others in my life don't get that and would rather I give up on everything that means so much to me.

I've also been thinking about my writing schedule and all the stories I want to write. I think I have 4 in the works and another 5 in my head???? With the roll I had in the beginning of the year, I figure that I can produce 25,000 words a months. if you take that and project out over the year, then basically it comes down to 822 words a day. 822! Oh, heck! I can do that! Of course, that is based on consistency. I had a goal of 2 novels this year. I THINK I can make that 2 full novels from scratch and maybe 2 that are either rewrites or ones that were half done already. Keep your fingers crossed for me because I think I might be moving into a realm I've never been in before--one with deadlines and expectations. I want Dreamspinner to be proud of me. I want my readers to be happy. I want ME to feel like I've accomplished more. I want to push myself to greater things. I AM a published author, which was a dream, and now I need to push for more. I CAN publish more than one novel a year. I know I can!

So, at the RT convention, I had a great time. I talked to some wonderful authors that I rarely see and I was so glad to spend time with. I also saw some fans who mean the world to me. Kayla is such a wonderful gal :) And seeing Karen again all the way from France just made me feel so special. I also met Alissa, and Wendy, and Sarah, and some romance authors whom I hope to see again. And having breakfast with Alex, Kayla, Wendy and Sarah made me smile! I think it was a good experience. I am not planning on RT 2016. For one, it is in Las Vegas and I don't really want to go there. And two, I think I need to mix things up a bit and make sure I do other conferences like Liberty States, and maybe Outlanticon, or Bent Con, or Coastal Magic. I have to look into when that are and where they are and plan. It is a lot to take in.

I WILL be at Rainbow Con in Tampa again this year, but also I don't think I will do that same one in 2016. I need to visit other areas in 2016. GRL is in San Diego this year and I WILL be there, and I PLAN on being at GRL 2016 wherever it is. I think that is the one con I want to try to hit every year. I don't know, but for now that is how I feel.

I have had a bunch of crap in my life for so long. Part of it I guess I chose to have because I refuse to stop writing what is not popular and write something that everyone will approve of. Well, I am just me. I have passion and a gift (albeit small) and I want to make a difference in people lives. I think I am. You people out there tell me that all the time. The tester person on Wednesday told me that and it was RIGHT AFTER I got a text that hurt my feelings and made me feel so small. Thank you person (you know who you are.) I need you.

Being a RAINBOW in someone's cloud is hard. But somehow, when the skies are dark and the storms of life pour down, it only takes a tiny bit of sun to hit the right molecules in the atmosphere to make them shine in all their rainbow colored brilliance. Help me shine.

I'm not sure what else there is to say except that I KNOW I forgot a LOT of birthdays lately. I'm sorry if I missed yours. My internet isn;'t always working and I've been offline often this past week. And if I write everyday in order to produce more novels, then please forgive me if I miss posts and forget your birthdays  :(

Keep your fingers crossed for me as I take another step toward being better as an author and as a person.


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Devine Intervention

This morning I was having to most uncontrollable emotional reaction to being away from my family that ever before. I've been to conferences where I'm away for a week and usually it takes 4 days or so to really feel hard, and make me lonely. This time it was day two! I JUST saw my family yesterday morning.

(Matt and Brad always have a picture.)

Part of this is due to feeling VERY distant from my 18 yr old son (soon to be 19). He's my oldest and my only boy, and I'm having difficulty understanding him.

Today, at breakfast, I broke down and cried at the breakfast bar. (I was sitting there because  was a party of one.) I was by myself until another single party sat down next to me as I cried. She was nice and didn't make me feel uncomfortable and after I calmed down, we talked for 2 hours. Turns out, she was a psychologist. I thought of it as a Devine Intervention because there was't any real reason she was here. She lives in Texas and wasn't even staying in my hotel. She was here to see a friend and that friend wasn't seven working to day and so she stopped to get breakfast before getting a manicure.

She sat next tome, the broken, sobbing, mess of a mother who just does;t understand her son.

Everything she said made sense. It helped me process it. And I think I need to see a therapist because there is a lot of crap in my own head to process. I think I have abandonment issues.

I have always been alone. Always. I was a loner in high school because I never fit in. I figured out over the past 5 years that no one understands the mind of an author, except another author. (Or painter or musician. An artist of some type.) But I didn't know that years ago. I just knew I was different and I think different and I see ice different. No one cared to know my dreams back then. Even now, very few ask. Even people in my every day life don't always support my dreams. So, I go it alone.

Many of you know of my story from 2010, so I won't bore you, but one thing that occurred was losing all mu friends over writing a book. Then, again in 2014 (and sort of still now,) I face that again. I've been abandoned many times over in my lifetime. And I guess part of me fears losing my son. So, today, I was extremely emotional over it. (Still am.)

What is different about me in 2015, is that I know I have supporters. I have wonderful friends and readers and fans who love me. I APPRECIATE YOU ALL!  I also think I have a purpose to bring hope and change the world. Maybe the change will take a long time, but I don't want to give up. Writing is my dream. Being a published author is the part I have achieved, but I do have bigger dreams.

I want to write a Broadway Musical. No, it doesn't help that I can't write music, but I want to pull apart a story into its essential elements and write lyrics to songs that tell that story. This dream may take a while, but I am only 46. I have time. I don't want  to lose my dream. Dreams push us and pull us beyond ourselves, sometimes to be more than we are at any given time.

I think I need to talk to a therapist to help sort out the doubt and the fear I have of failure. I'm not talking about the failure of never writing that musical, but the failure to be the kind of person that changes the world one person at a time. The failure to love people, like I want to love people. I fear failing to leave a mark that lasts long after I leave.

And in this moment, I fear losing my son as he grows up. It's painful to go through as he pulls away. You all know I am an emotional person. Today was like an explosion. I appreciate all your thoughts that were posted in Facebook. I need you and I thank you for caring about me.

I think I'll be okay. I just need to talk to a therapist to help me work through it.


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A very GLEE me

Alright, I admit it, I am addicted to Glee. I’m probably 5 years behind everyone else, but oh well. That pretty much sums up my life. I didn’t start wearing Converse All Stars until my thirties. I am a slow starter. I live under a rock. I rarely pay attention. Perhaps that’s why I am always left out, or waaaay behind everyone else.

Whichever the case, I LOVE GLEE. I haven’t watched it all. I even skipped some, went back, watched them, finished a season, watched more, skipped some, and need to watch the ones I skipped. This is the curse of having Yout Tube and knowing SOME of what is coming up. So I skipped a few episodes to watch the episode Original Song, and I finished season two and I need to watch the couple I missed in the middle and then watch season three.

What I see in that show, is myself. I was a loner in school. I had few friends. I never joined show choir, but I didn’t know it existed until a few years ago, and I really can’t sing. I LIKE singing, but my range is very limited. I can not sing high notes, and when I try, birds die. But watching a show about the losers in school and how they band together in support of each other, while fighting (lol), Is refreshing. I can identify with Rachel. She has a dream. So do I. I don’t think I was that bitchy when I was younger, but I am definitely getting good at it now. People get crappy with me and I get cynical and grumpy and I start losing sight of ME. Who I am. What I see as my purpose.

I am a huge show tune person. At least I think I am. I have often thought about doing an entire rundown of how the musical Wicked was written about me. Defying Gravity, Not That Girl, No Good Dead, Dancing Through Life, all great songs that in some way reflect a part of ME.

When watching Glee, it reminded me of who I am. AND… that I was born this way.

Yes, it’s a Lady Gaga song. But before that, I thought about the concept five years back when I was adopting my son. Someone told me not to “over mother” him or be too affectionate or huggy or…. well….. ME. I was basically told not to be too much ME. And I held back. I regret that now. After several weeks with him it was apparent that I was exactly what he needed at the time.

Since then, I have done some Bible studies and such and one of the ones I took about women in general taught me I was created this way. I am ME for a reason. I am overly sensitive, deeply feeling, I sense things and read people, I need people—not in the “needy” sense but I can’t survive well alone for long periods of time. I like to touch people and conversely like to be touched. I like to laugh. I like to dance—even if I am horrible at it. I like to SING!!! I like to sing show tunes! I like to cry with people, or for people. I know who I am. I am here to touch people.

Sometimes the touch is physical, like a hug. But sometimes, it is through another of my gifts—my words. I write in order to touch people.

I have a voice, and my soul has something to sing. I haven’t figured it all out yet, but all I know is that my dream is too big to let go. Rachel in Glee has a dream, and at the moment, I don’t know where it goes because I’m in season 2. But that’s like ME. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I need to try to get there.

In the song Loser Like Me (from Glee) I thought, “That’s me.” I was the loser. And sometimes, maybe people would say I still am. But I don’t think so. I think I am still chasing my dream and I haven’t gotten there yet. The losers, are the ones who took a few steps and gave up, or didn’t even dare to dream.

I think God gives us hopes and dreams because we can take them and inspire others to dare to dream. I want to make a difference in the world, and maybe it is simply by sparking dreams in others.

What I find sad, are the people in my life who dare to snuff out my dreams. The people who don’t like how I go about chasing my dreams like I took the wrong road on the way to the “dream store.” Maybe I did. Maybe this road isn’t the one most travel. But isn’t there a saying about taking the road less travelled? I think Robin Williams quoted it in Dead Poets Society. “Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.” It is by Robert Frost, not Robin Williams. :)

This road I travel is probably not the road I would have picked ten years ago if asked “Which road are ya going to pick on your way down life’s highway?” Why? Because it isn’t easy. This is the harder road, by far, where I’m judged for every little thing. This is the road where people ask me “Why?” and I get weird looks and I can’t always be open about it. This secquitous route is looked down upon. This road can often feel like a burden, but if I hadn’t taken it, then what?

I would be ….. “dancing through life, swaying and sweeping,….” This is the cue to play a song from Wicked! “I say why invite stress in. Stop studying strife, and learn to live the unexamined life….” I find the song ironic. The words are very true, but the life Fiero describes isn’t really living because it’s a life that skims the surface, and never touches any of the deep things that make life worth living. Fiero stars that way, and turns into the very opposite of what his life had been. He cares too deeply, but… finds love.

If I had never, ever considered writing, where would my life be? If I had written science fiction? What then? But I didn’t. I wrote a romance for a friend. A gay friend. And where have I come. I’ve seen inside of me, and found someone who understands WHY I’ve been made to care so deeply about people. I think it is because way too many people out there don’t care at all. There is too much pain, too much hate, too many suicides, and I can’t bare the thought of that. I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives. I want to touch people… For Good. (cue more music from Wicked!)

I want to be ME. I want to be that part of myself who is kind and caring and fun and happy. There is plenty I want to change. I want to let go of my cynicism and hatefulness. I want to be less rude and more forgiving. I want to let go of hurt and put on love. These processes are not easy.

Thankfully, I know the kind of person I want to be. And sometimes, you might get to see her too. J I can be the person who sings randomly and dances in line at Giant. Why am I not like that all the time? When the dirt gets thrown in my face more often than the song rings out in my heart, THAT’S when my joy starts drowning. Bear with me. I am striving to let the GLEE in me out!

And THIS video, I just love. I think Blaine (Darren Criss) has an amazing voice!!

In closing, since I wrote most of this LAST NIGHT, I want to say that in many ways, I've already reached my dream since I HAVE touched people. A handful, maybe more, and that makes me feel awesome! Thank you to all those who have enjoyed my books and have encouraged me to not give up. 

I am currently writing JOCK 3. JOCK 2 is in line edits that I am starting today. ESPECIALLY when a beta reader pointed out words like gLuke. hahhhaha. Yes, this is what people deal with when they know me! baLuke, and gLuke.. hahhaha. loops.

Hugs and Kittens (As Jason would say.)