Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Beating Myself Up

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough? Felt you weren't smart enough or talented enough to even compare yourself with others? Felt "others" were far more accomplished and intelligent and successful that you were not even in their league? I have. At least I guess I can describe it all in those three sentences. haha.

I look around at others in my field of interest and they seem so "together." Other authors write all the time and have word-count goals (which they meet) and here I am with little to nothing written a day, kicking myself for feeling glum and down and procrastinating. I find it hard to write. Sometimes I find it boring to write. I sat in on a panel at Rainbow Con and heard Lexi Ander talking about plotting out books and that sometimes after it is plotted out so meticulously, she feels it is "done." In her mind, the story is finished and she said (something like) she forgets that it is not done for the readers. THEY haven't heard it yet! … I liked her description because that is how I feel when it comes to writing.

I sit down after thinking about a scene over and over, and I find it difficult to write. It is like I thought about it so long that the scene is boring. It is DONE. But it's not! The scene has played out in my head so very long that when I sit to write it, it feels old and warn out, but I have to remember that my readers can't see into my head. My readers haven't seen Keith and Flynn kissing. My readers haven't seen Flynn lying on top of Keith's outstretched body, fisting his hair and plundering his mouth. (HAHAHA)

So…. please forgive me that I forget about you out there, but it happens.

I get depressed about not writing fast enough also. Like I said, I see others writing all the time and producing book after book and I put out about one a year. That is crazy. I get down and kick myself for not being more productive and not writing like "the other guy."

I don't write this for your pity, but for encouragement to others who might feel as I do. You are not alone. Writing is hard! Focus is hard! And remembering I am not in this for everyone else is hard. I am in this for me. I am writing because I feel the desire and joy to create stories about all the things that happen in the world around me. One day I might even branch out into the stories of things that could happen on other worlds too. :D maybe!

For now, don't let me forget that I don't need to hurry. I am not in a competition to write 50k in a month. I don't do NaNoWritMo because 1. it is in November and I always have too much to do in November & 2. It seemed to be too much scrambling to write "words" that I found;t focus on the content. I normally edit as I go. I am not an author who can simply write now and edit later. I can't. I won't. I need to be true to myself. I write scene by scene. I describe things scene by scene. I find my flow in the way the characters react to elements int he scene as it relates to the plot. If I stopped thinking about the way I painted my picture by only throwing paint on the canvas I think my characters voices would get lost. I am not that type of writer.

So…. I need to STOP BEATING MYSELF UP for not writing faster. Right? I just need to write at whatever pace it comes out. That is not to say I need to forget that I am a writer and I need to practice my talent daily or else lose the flavor and the flare. I should push for more, but I can't get down when my "more" is 300 words and someone else is writing 3000 or 30,000. I can't.

Names Can Never Hurt Me was written in about 14 months. For some authors that might seem like a life time to finish ONE story. But for me, I think it was worth the time. My editors may not agree as I have some serious issues with verb tense in this one and the first editor had to FIX so much of the manuscript. I feel bad for her :( But I also thank her for her patience.

I also worry that because I take so long to release another novel that you all will forget about me. This is another item I need to stop beating myself up over. Some may forget, but many will not. I was blown away by how many people (authors and readers) knew who I was at Rainbow Con. WOW. Incredible! I thought so many times "You've heard of me?" hahaha. So, if I take a year to produce a novel, maybe nudge me from times to time so I know I am still in your thoughts. That I am still an author you want to read.

This next one will be coming out soon. My friend read it and loved it! I can only hope more of you will love Names Can Never Hurt Me and that your praise will get around Amazon and Goodreads and readers will perk up and say, "Oh, Wade Kelly wrote another one? Interesting. Maybe I'll read that." I can't rent the jumbo-tron at Times Square to advertise. I rely on you good people to tell other good people about the books you like. (Mine included.)

Now… the work in progress… I'm working on Misplaced Affection today. I added 1200 words and then I had to go the mechanic's office and wait for my son's truck. While there today, I wrote another 1400 words and this blog! YAY. I had a nail in both front tires of MY car because I am thorough, but they patched them for now. I like waiting there sometimes because I have time to do nothing but write. Ya know? I have no internet to distract me and I can't go anywhere. I was given the gift of time. haha. I like this story and I can only hope to write the "boring" scenes I have in my head for the rest of the world to read.

LOL… I say boring, but I think I have figured out why they are boring to me as I have written this blog. I have "seen" them so often in my head that they come off as "bent here done that" when I write. But I haven't. Not really. The scene, boring or not, needs to come out and get shared. YOU ALL can tell me if I am boring.

One last note. The first editor described NAMES as a "surprisingly sweet romance about a millennial who refuses to grow up." You will have to let me know how accurate you think that is. OKAY??

Hugs to all my amazing friends, readers, and peeps. :)




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