Inspiration

Lots of thoughts running through my mind as I write this post. It has been a while since I posted and I am sorry. I know some of you don't care what I write as long as I write something and I have let you down in that regard. Partially because I don't know who is reading my thoughts and who will give me a hard time for them. THEY ARE MY THOUGHTS.  I should be able to express my own opinions on MY blog without repercussions, but that is not true in reality sometimes.

I WOULD have posted last week for Thanksgiving, but time got away from me. I had a nice day. I did. I made a pie from Brad's recipe and that was fun. (picture here.) My husband smoked a turkey so I had less cooking to do. I made mashed potatoes and stuffing, ham, and gravy, and the other guests (17 in all) brought other things. We had lots of food!

I've been quiet also because of some challenges in my life. Many of you know there have been discussion with the pastor. That is still ongoing, although now more people know stuff and I am not sure how that is going to effect me mentally. Things are being said about me at church, and although I was told "not to say anything yet" because the "facts" are not known, some one said something to my husband on Sunday. Hey, if things are being said to him, then I am saying something HERE. This is MY life after all.

I posted a small note on the "Wade Brigade" because I didn't want to make a BIG DEAL out of it. Last time I posted about the woman at my church, it was followed by hundreds of comments and messages. While that is amazing and encouraging, it was also overwhelming and some comments seemed to be at odds with others and I do not like to cause a fight among my fans and friends. I posted on a small scale so people could think and pray for me. Beth sent me the picture above. Matt sent me the picture below. ME? An inspiration? I guess I don't often see why, but I am flattered and humbled by their thoughts.

I inspire MATT?????? Um, dude, YOU inspire ME. Actually, Sam-I-Am is one of the most amazing people online. I thinkMatt & Brad's blog in general is FULL of inspiration and wisdom. Sam has overcome and worked through so much adversity that he seriously DOES encourage me with his positivity. For people I have never actually met, I do love these boys and look forward to the things they say every week. I don't always read the posts, (I admit, I miss many), but I DO enjoy even the painful posts. They post from their hearts and I appreciate the honesty. This next picture is also stolen from that blog :p

It is a difficult thing not to give into bitterness and cynicism when I strive to be positive and joyful, but things come by that want to steal that joy. When I told my husband some of what has been going on his comment was, "I told you years ago people would not understand and would disagree with you." He also said something about not having dreams and aspirations. My response was "I DO have dreams! I DO have aspirations! I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD!" But how do I do that?

Well, I don't know. I think it is one step at a time, one book at a time, one concept at a time. What got me in trouble? I wrote SEX along the way. Oh, yeah, I wrote GAY SEX along my journey of "changing the world" and that is poo-pooed upon in my church. I suppose sex is poo-pooed upon in MANY churches so it isn't a shock. The reasoning, I get. I do. I understand where they are coming from and I see their "discipline" as a business decision. The discipline I speak of is being removed from teaching youth. I'm a liability. In the church I went to years ago, I was considered the reason that 3 boys were gay. Me. I turned them gay. Um, yeah…. Sorry, but that is incorrect and an unfounded assumption since none of them knew I wrote any gay material while they were in my youth group. The time frame over lapped and the leadership assumed, which was their way of shifting blame. But that is neither here nor there as it was years ago. I've moved on. Or at least I have tried.

Back to sex…. Why do I chose to write it into my stories? I see it as a literary device. (Note: the church does not.) My stories are all character driven. As the plot unfolds and sex seems necessary to move things along and progress the relationship of the characters, I write sex. Do I need to be so explicit? Um, I guess not. This is a topic of debate in many author groups, actually. Is writing sex necessary? There are people who don't even like explicit sex in stories. I know some authors who actually hate writing it. So why do it? Well, this is the actually debate. Some think the genre calls for it. SO MANY romance novels have sex. Probably most. IDK. Would that change your view if I stopped? If some of your favorite authors stopped? IDK. Why do you read certain stories? Is it for the sex or the story? I would hope that mine are read for the story. 

I think my writing is changing over time. When Love Is Not Enough, as well as The Cost Of Loving, had a LOT more sex than recent novels. Why? Matt Dixon was a slutty guy. His random hook-ups drove his life for many years. He doesn't just STOP that behavior without reason and explanation. And Darian? Well, he became a sex-addict to overcome pain. Nick Jones was also a slut and I changed his character over time. He became monogamous as did Matt. Why DO I write these things? For the same reason stories are stronger when the story is shown, not told. I believe in ONE person, not promiscuity. I write MY BELIEFS  in my books. I would think most authors do as it is from their mind and heart. I write about myself, my beliefs, and my views. Why? Because I want to change the world!!

I want people to find love and commit to one relationship. I want people to find hope and feel peace. I want the youth, especially, to realize they are not alone in their struggles and not give up in their fight to live and BE themselves. I feel like a sounding gong repeating myself over and over. I've said all this before. I WANT TO BRING HOPE TO THE WORLD. 

I think on some level the pastor gets that. It is the GAY SEX in my books that is the issue.

Will I change that? Um, no. I write the stories that come to mind. If these stories for some reason happen in the recesses of my imagination WITHOUT sexual content, then yes, I will. I write stories that are relevant to our times. I write about LIFE as I see it. I write about the pain I see and the real struggles people go through. It is CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE because that is the definition of contemporary. I think the sex is relevant. Relevant because so many out there have experienced these types of pain. I hate to think readers relate because they've been raped, or molested in some fashion, but they do. I am so sorry for that. :( I hate to think that people relate because they know someone who has committed suicide or tried to commit suicide themselves, but it does happen. And perhaps, some relate because they were that guy (I write gay men) who sold themselves into prostitution or had many internet hook-ups, not realizing until later in life that they DID have a choice, and they DID feel empty giving themselves to countless, nameless faces. (OR, maybe you disagree and you are perfectly fine and happy in the type of life you lead.) This is MY blog, however, and I post MY opinions and thoughts. I write about they sexual situations so that YOU can consider them before doing something you may regret.

So, as Matt's picture says, I will try to STAY STRONG in my beliefs and stick to my convictions. I am convicted to write things readers understand and relate to. My target audience (in publisher-speak) is NOT the pastor, nor is it the people in my church. (I don't think.) But who knows? Maybe there are people in my church struggling with their sexuality and how empty they feel in meaningless sex. Well, my advice is STOP. Meaningless sex is not the answer! … And now I am getting all philosophical…. sorry. Just go read my books. :p

I write about current events and controversial things. Bullying, name-calling, suicide, rape, child abuse, meaningless sex, the dangers of unprotected sex, how it feels to be kicked out by your parents (Corey), or hated by your parents over sexuality (Jimmy). Matt deals with the reaction of his church in relation to his sexuality, as does my new character Zach. Zach Mitchell, in fact, deals with LOTS of things! 

So yeah, PRAY FOR MY WORDS. I do believe they come from God because they are stories that need to be told. If you disagree with them, or the content, pray my inspiration and content changes. I don't do things quickly. I consider my words carefully. I want the stories to make a strong impact on my readers. I think they have.

I have also said before, if I wanted to write for popularity or riches, they I wouldn't write these stories. I could write cookie-cutter plots they contained LOTS of sex and were relatively fluffy. If I wrote 4-5 of those type a year, I could probably tell my husband to stop working, I've got the bills covered! But no, I don't. I am a poor artist writing what I think is meaningful and relevant to impacting the world for good, not just simple entertainment. I hope my books entertain, but hope they mean more than that.

For the record, in case my church folks are reading and somewhat stalking me online….

1. I do believe in Christ as my savior. Sorry, if you don't see the fruit you wish to see, but I believe my life has changed greatly in the last couple years. My faith has grown tremendously, and it sadness me that you cannot that God is influencing my life decisions. 

2. Although I think I agree with 95% of the doctrine at my church, I do think I disagree with that 5%. I am NOT repulsed by homosexuals. I do not recoil from gay sex. Everyone has sex. It is a part of life. Gay men, have gay sex. It is what it is, and I am in no way sickened by it. If you disagree, then don't read it. Or, better yet, pray for my words. If you truly believe in God, then believe He can influence my opinions. Only God knows my heart. Can't you trust God is working in it?

3. I stand for Human Rights. I voted for gay marriage. And I would have had my picture taken by Adam Bouska, but the NOH8 campaign hasn't been in my area for many years. When they are, I WILL!

4. I am proud of my writing. Sex or no sex. I think my words matter. I think I am learning to write more eloquently as time goes on. I believe my next release is the most beautiful story I've written. I'm sorry for those who cannot see the love I have for people, because they stumble over the sexual content in my books. They sexual content IS changing. It is. But mainly because the stories demand certain literary expressions. Sex is a literary device of human experience. 

5. I write about myself. Although that may be difficult to see or believe, I do. These are MY THOUGHTS and experiences presented in fictional characters and situations. Gay or straight, people all experience pain and laughter in life. I write it.

6. I am seeing that this is a small part of being a public figure. Persecution and moral disagreements will happen because we are all wired with different beliefs and ideals. Just as readers will be angry and post some horrible reviews, so will people in my personal life. If this is the way it will be, then I will take the ridicule. As my new tattoo reminds me, I trust "in Christ alone." Yes, religious as it may be to some, I have come to understand that only God does not change. People disappoint, but in my opinion, God does not. And I have been given FREEDOM in Christ to live out my faith by the grace He has given me. As an author, I am in the public eye often. I hope to live up to being a gracious and loving person to all. I need to work there because I am NOT loving to all. I am cynical and bitter often. I pray that God will shape my heart to let go of the bitterness.

7. I am learning to let go of FEAR. There is very little to fear anymore. I feared people "finding out" and judging me over my writing. Well, here it is. And yes, they are judging me. My writing juxtaposes the life they see me living. Hmmm. Maybe it is because I "feared" too long and for many years lived a double life like Jimmy Miller. My life is almost one complete whole now, and the fear is slipping away because I am all exposed. 

I think this reinforces what I have often pondered in blog posts about relating and empathizing with my readers. Especially they gay ones. Lucien told me that I possibly understand now what it feels like to "come out" because of the way I am being and have been treated. I cannot imagine the fear and pain of coming out, but if this is close, then I just want to hug all of you who have. It is not easy AT ALL to live open in who you are. I am not gay, and yet I am judged so quickly and easily. How much more pressure and harshness do you face every day? I respect your ability to STAY STRONG. Matt… I salute you. Sam, I adore you. Your words bring meaning to my life.

I write what I think the world needs to hear. I will not back down, because without my voice, and my HURRICANE rushing in, would the dark places of world be too quiet? (reference to my husband calling me a hurricane.) I believe I have been created for a purpose. I believe writing is my gift from God. I didn't train for it. I didn't do well in school in English. I was a math major. Writing just happened one day. In 2006. 

Join me in my journey. It is an interesting adventure for sure.

My next book comes out in 4 weeks and 3 days. It is a mini history lesson about my town. as well as the struggles in life of three friends. Each with their own piece of the puzzle to tell. I hope you like it. It is LONG. I could have cut it into 2 stories, but then readers don't like cliff-hangers so I decided on ONE whole story in ONE novel. A long novel! I'll keep you posted as things in my life happen. I'm sorry for long silences. I forget sometimes that I have people out there who do care about me and miss my posts.

Hugs to you all.

Wade

My newest tattoos:

Freedom is in my daughter's handwriting. :)

Backlashes

Last night I received a disturbing e-mail from someone I know who told me she read one of my books and although she thinks I am a wonderful author, she has a huge problem with the material. Suffice it to say that the rest of the e-mail would have all of you in uproar. It was deeply painful to hear this from someone I trusted.

In 2010 I lost everything I thought was dear to me: All my friends and my home church. I felt their pity as they stared at me, and I felt their disgust as they fled my presence. It took almost 2 years to even start trusting people again. But I did. I opened up. And apparently, I opened up a fraction to the wrong person here.

Said PERSON basically wants me to change what I write. She is very turned off by the sexual content and the love between two men. Well, one thought I had was, “Did you not read the jacket cover?” I am not sure which novel she read, but let us assume she read JOCK. I am almost 100% positive that the blurb tells you Cole falls in love with Ellis. Or implies that. It is about the relationship of two men. As I explained it to my daughter…. If you hated Panda Bears with a passion, would you read a book about Panda Bears? She said NO. Why then would a woman who disagrees with men loving men or women loving women pick up a book that clearly says:

It's easy to become cynical when life never goes your way.

Cole Reid has been a social recluse since he was fifteen, when he was outed by his high school baseball team. Since then, his obsessive-compulsive behavior and sarcastic nature have driven away most of the population, and everyone else hates him because he's gay. As he sees it, he's bound to repulse any prospective friends, let alone boyfriends, so why bother?

By the time Cole enters college, he's become an anal-retentive loner—but it's not a problem until his roommate graduates and the housing department assigns Ellis Montgomery to move in with Cole. Ellis is messy, gorgeous, straight, and worst of all, a "jock"!

During a school year filled with frat buddies, camping expeditions, and meddling parents, Cole and Ellis develop a friendship that turns Cole's glass-half-empty outlook on its head. There must be more to Ellis than a fun-loving jock—and maybe Cole's reawakening libido has rekindled his hope for more than camaraderie.

….Um, “awakened libido” would imply SOMETHING! Wouldn’t it?

Said PERSON wants me to write something SHE would find acceptable. Basically, I get the impression she wants me to write a Christian novel. No sex, and heavy on the religious aspect tailored to specific beliefs of Christianity.

In one way I DO write that. I am a Christian, and I wrote a novel. (Several.) I write my beliefs INTO my characters because it is something that is important to me and I believe other feel the same search in themselves to know and understand God. Some don’t, but some do.

One question that Jodi from Smoocher’s Voice (please visit to read the entire interview) asked was:

·      Religion and homophobia play a major role in your books. You specifically focus on intolerance of Christians. Why is this a prevalent theme in your books?

I said: Because of what I personally experienced. If I am NOT gay and went through this kind of hell (hell partially because I lost ALL my friends I had had for 10 years, fyi) , then what the heck kind of crap are the real homosexuals experiencing, because that can’t be nice. So, I explore my thoughts and write about them.

I have always said I write about myself. My experiences. My pain. But INTO gay characters. If I was persecuted (Like MATT DIXON in The Cost of Loving) and I am NOT gay, then the experience for some of you out there who ARE has to be 10x worse, some 100x worse.

I went to bed early because my stomach hurt. My head hurt. It hurts now! But said PERSON basically reinforced WHY I need to write in the first place. People are naïve and some go through life in a church with this idea of “love the sinner, hate the sin.” Well, that doesn’t work. There is a quote from my WIP that comes to mind:

“Understand what? Me being gay?” And yes, I just came out. Shit. Where the fuck was Keith?

“Yes. No. I don’t know. My cousin’s gay. I don’t understand him. He likes this other dude, ya know, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Bruce absently touched the side of Keith’s half-full mug. He looked so pathetic I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.

I said, “You don’t have to do anything. Just be his cousin. Be his friend.” It seemed so logical to me. I guess I should have taken my own advice and just been myself and when someone couldn’t relate I could have told them just to be my friend. Easier said than done.

Bruce looked up. “That’s it?”

“That’s it. He isn’t a different person. You just see him differently. Stop. If you mentally paint labels on people’s foreheads, like ‘homosexual,’ ‘dyke,’ ‘puffster,’ or even a name as innocuous as ‘loser,’ it unconsciously changes your perception. Without even realizing it, you don’t see them as a person any longer, but as a definition. They are who they are. Your cousin is still your cousin.”

He nodded slowly as if considering what I had to say very carefully. “You know, you’re even starting to sound like Keith.”

I smiled. That was the first time I’d ever heard Bruce use a first name as a reference to anyone. “I guess. He’s in the bathroom if you want to talk to him.”

Bruce stood up but lingered by the table. “Nah, that’s okay. Leppo’s too egotistical. He always has to be right.”

This is going to be an amazing book. I think. I hope. I include some very good concepts. But Flynn hits my point here. People can not view people as a “definition” because it takes away their humanity. People cease being people and they become statistics.

And often, people in the church want to “fix” you, or ME. I think she sees me as a project to “fix” because of what I write. Her e-mail brought back all the feelings of fear and paranoia that followed me around for years. I started trusting people again, and here is where it's led me. Square one. Square 1.5. She wants to remain friends. I really don’t think we were before this because she obviously doesn’t know me at all. She doesn’t believe in me. And she certainly doesn’t believe that God is at work in my life.

I DO believe my writing is a gift from God and I want to strive to touch people’s hearts as I have already done, and MORE.

My characters are gay. If you can’t handle that, then DON’T READ MY BOOKS! Also, if you can’t handle getting your heart ripped out sometimes, then don’t read my books. They are all different and unpredictably funny or painful. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

That said, Multitasking Momma wrote a review that I haven’t read yet. I think I need to see what she said. I will link it HERE. When I get it….. Additional. I read it. She made me cry. Thanks J. :)
She also gave NAMES a ribbon. :)

Hugs to all my peeps. I am wounded, but not dead.

Personal Fears

I've been slacking… sorry. I can not believe that Rainbow Con on next week. Holy moly! Time flies quickly when you are busy! I had an awesome time at The Rainbow Book Fair and talked to a man about advertising. I don't normally do anything because it is so expensive. I thought, "I like this guy. I'll give it a shot." It is with the Gay & Lesbian Review. I tend to be different that think different, so I might as well go with a magazine. That's different, right? Hit a different crowd. IDK. If you are reading this then you already know who I am. I need to reach people outside this circle. How to do that? Try a different market. But then I have to design an ad. HAHAHA. Yeah, I'm so good at that. We'll see.

Rainbow Con starts next Thursday in Tampa. I am leaving here Tuesday morning and driving down. By myself. Pray I make it safely. I will be listening to Widdershins by Jordan L. Hawk on the way. That should be fun. Then I can review it ;) I am starting to feel nervous as I am not clear on the procedures for this event. Like, for example, I have been to NY before. I have seen and been around the RBF. I know it is one day. I go in at 10ish, I set up, I wait for it to open to the public, I talk to people, it is done, I close up and go home. Easy. Well…. This is 4 days. Do I set up a table and leave it? Leave my books on it? And if I am not standing by a table, then what do I do? I am on a panel Saturday and Sunday, and Q&A on Thursday, and a reading on Friday. What do I do the other times? Am I free to wander and mingle? Sit in on other panels? I think so, but it is the uncertainty of never having done it before that makes me nervous. Talking in front of people? Whatever. I do it all the time. I may never have sat on a panel discussion about a specific topic, but I have no problem talking to people. I fear being wrong. I fear being verbally attacked. I fear being judged poorly for my opinion. These are real fears I deal with every day. So going to Rainbow Con the fears don't stay here in Maryland. The fears go with me.

However, I know many of the people there. I have met them. I have hugged them. People like Jeff Adams, and Kade Boehme. People like Piper Vaughn, Shira Anthony, Rhys Ford, Sara York, K-Lee Kline, Jordan L. Hawk, and Andrew Grey. I have met these people and they made me feel happy and safe. So I have to throw away my personal fears knowing that even if I fail, there are people there who will still give me a warm smile and a hug. And if I need to cry, I am sure there will be someone to cry with me :D

And then there are other people attending who are not on the "attending authors list" whom I already know too. Greg Payne! Michael Chulsky. Monika V. I can't think of more off the top of my head, but I know others have told me they would see me in FL. This will be a fine and grand adventure. What makes me sad is being away from my family that long. I have never been away from all of them for a week. Will they feed the animals? I better not come home to a dead hamster and dehydrated dogs.

I also get to read for 15 minutes. hmmm. This is a fun dilemma to have--What to pick? I read out of JOCK in RBF for 4 minutes. I think I could safely read the same bit. Jeff Adams is the only one who heard it read in NY. I think he'll be fine with it. Then I was thinking of reading from WLINE. But also possibly my up-coming release Names Can Never Hurt Me. I randomly read chapter 12 yesterday and I was like, "Wow, I really like that." It made me chuckle, and it made me teary. But I would have to time a whole chapter to figure out if it is possible. What do you all think? Is it too early to promote a release that is coming in July? I SHOULD have the cover this week and I will have it displayed in FL. I am not showing it online (FB) yet. Florida conference goers get the first glimpse. I have released excerpts from NAMES before. I think I ran the prologue through chapter 3. Maybe. I will probably do it again. It is a long book. My guess is 385 pages. IDK. I'm just throwing that out there based on the page count vs length of other manuscripts. We'll see. But I can probably tease the audience with parts of NAMES because even if I read from chapter 12, that is in the first third of the book. Although…. I might offend people. My character Nick is pretty stupid. By the time chapter 12 comes around you know this as a reader. And you have seen him interact with some of the characters in chapter 12. But if I stir the audience to anger or something that strong, is that good? It is called NAMES CAN NEVER HURT ME. It is about labels, and slurs, and hurtful words. (But in a lighthearted, happy-ending sort of way. Wade Kelly Style!)

I guess my task today is reading out loud and timing myself. I also need to think up a quick bio/introduction for myself when I stand up in front of people. Oh wow. Greg, Michael, Monika, I will need your support!!

I was driving much this week already and thinking of more scenes to write. My characters as yapping away at me if I ever get to type it all out.

I guess that is all for now. Short and sweet. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Wade