Inspiration

Lots of thoughts running through my mind as I write this post. It has been a while since I posted and I am sorry. I know some of you don't care what I write as long as I write something and I have let you down in that regard. Partially because I don't know who is reading my thoughts and who will give me a hard time for them. THEY ARE MY THOUGHTS.  I should be able to express my own opinions on MY blog without repercussions, but that is not true in reality sometimes.

I WOULD have posted last week for Thanksgiving, but time got away from me. I had a nice day. I did. I made a pie from Brad's recipe and that was fun. (picture here.) My husband smoked a turkey so I had less cooking to do. I made mashed potatoes and stuffing, ham, and gravy, and the other guests (17 in all) brought other things. We had lots of food!

I've been quiet also because of some challenges in my life. Many of you know there have been discussion with the pastor. That is still ongoing, although now more people know stuff and I am not sure how that is going to effect me mentally. Things are being said about me at church, and although I was told "not to say anything yet" because the "facts" are not known, some one said something to my husband on Sunday. Hey, if things are being said to him, then I am saying something HERE. This is MY life after all.

I posted a small note on the "Wade Brigade" because I didn't want to make a BIG DEAL out of it. Last time I posted about the woman at my church, it was followed by hundreds of comments and messages. While that is amazing and encouraging, it was also overwhelming and some comments seemed to be at odds with others and I do not like to cause a fight among my fans and friends. I posted on a small scale so people could think and pray for me. Beth sent me the picture above. Matt sent me the picture below. ME? An inspiration? I guess I don't often see why, but I am flattered and humbled by their thoughts.

I inspire MATT?????? Um, dude, YOU inspire ME. Actually, Sam-I-Am is one of the most amazing people online. I thinkMatt & Brad's blog in general is FULL of inspiration and wisdom. Sam has overcome and worked through so much adversity that he seriously DOES encourage me with his positivity. For people I have never actually met, I do love these boys and look forward to the things they say every week. I don't always read the posts, (I admit, I miss many), but I DO enjoy even the painful posts. They post from their hearts and I appreciate the honesty. This next picture is also stolen from that blog :p

It is a difficult thing not to give into bitterness and cynicism when I strive to be positive and joyful, but things come by that want to steal that joy. When I told my husband some of what has been going on his comment was, "I told you years ago people would not understand and would disagree with you." He also said something about not having dreams and aspirations. My response was "I DO have dreams! I DO have aspirations! I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD!" But how do I do that?

Well, I don't know. I think it is one step at a time, one book at a time, one concept at a time. What got me in trouble? I wrote SEX along the way. Oh, yeah, I wrote GAY SEX along my journey of "changing the world" and that is poo-pooed upon in my church. I suppose sex is poo-pooed upon in MANY churches so it isn't a shock. The reasoning, I get. I do. I understand where they are coming from and I see their "discipline" as a business decision. The discipline I speak of is being removed from teaching youth. I'm a liability. In the church I went to years ago, I was considered the reason that 3 boys were gay. Me. I turned them gay. Um, yeah…. Sorry, but that is incorrect and an unfounded assumption since none of them knew I wrote any gay material while they were in my youth group. The time frame over lapped and the leadership assumed, which was their way of shifting blame. But that is neither here nor there as it was years ago. I've moved on. Or at least I have tried.

Back to sex…. Why do I chose to write it into my stories? I see it as a literary device. (Note: the church does not.) My stories are all character driven. As the plot unfolds and sex seems necessary to move things along and progress the relationship of the characters, I write sex. Do I need to be so explicit? Um, I guess not. This is a topic of debate in many author groups, actually. Is writing sex necessary? There are people who don't even like explicit sex in stories. I know some authors who actually hate writing it. So why do it? Well, this is the actually debate. Some think the genre calls for it. SO MANY romance novels have sex. Probably most. IDK. Would that change your view if I stopped? If some of your favorite authors stopped? IDK. Why do you read certain stories? Is it for the sex or the story? I would hope that mine are read for the story. 

I think my writing is changing over time. When Love Is Not Enough, as well as The Cost Of Loving, had a LOT more sex than recent novels. Why? Matt Dixon was a slutty guy. His random hook-ups drove his life for many years. He doesn't just STOP that behavior without reason and explanation. And Darian? Well, he became a sex-addict to overcome pain. Nick Jones was also a slut and I changed his character over time. He became monogamous as did Matt. Why DO I write these things? For the same reason stories are stronger when the story is shown, not told. I believe in ONE person, not promiscuity. I write MY BELIEFS  in my books. I would think most authors do as it is from their mind and heart. I write about myself, my beliefs, and my views. Why? Because I want to change the world!!

I want people to find love and commit to one relationship. I want people to find hope and feel peace. I want the youth, especially, to realize they are not alone in their struggles and not give up in their fight to live and BE themselves. I feel like a sounding gong repeating myself over and over. I've said all this before. I WANT TO BRING HOPE TO THE WORLD. 

I think on some level the pastor gets that. It is the GAY SEX in my books that is the issue.

Will I change that? Um, no. I write the stories that come to mind. If these stories for some reason happen in the recesses of my imagination WITHOUT sexual content, then yes, I will. I write stories that are relevant to our times. I write about LIFE as I see it. I write about the pain I see and the real struggles people go through. It is CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE because that is the definition of contemporary. I think the sex is relevant. Relevant because so many out there have experienced these types of pain. I hate to think readers relate because they've been raped, or molested in some fashion, but they do. I am so sorry for that. :( I hate to think that people relate because they know someone who has committed suicide or tried to commit suicide themselves, but it does happen. And perhaps, some relate because they were that guy (I write gay men) who sold themselves into prostitution or had many internet hook-ups, not realizing until later in life that they DID have a choice, and they DID feel empty giving themselves to countless, nameless faces. (OR, maybe you disagree and you are perfectly fine and happy in the type of life you lead.) This is MY blog, however, and I post MY opinions and thoughts. I write about they sexual situations so that YOU can consider them before doing something you may regret.

So, as Matt's picture says, I will try to STAY STRONG in my beliefs and stick to my convictions. I am convicted to write things readers understand and relate to. My target audience (in publisher-speak) is NOT the pastor, nor is it the people in my church. (I don't think.) But who knows? Maybe there are people in my church struggling with their sexuality and how empty they feel in meaningless sex. Well, my advice is STOP. Meaningless sex is not the answer! … And now I am getting all philosophical…. sorry. Just go read my books. :p

I write about current events and controversial things. Bullying, name-calling, suicide, rape, child abuse, meaningless sex, the dangers of unprotected sex, how it feels to be kicked out by your parents (Corey), or hated by your parents over sexuality (Jimmy). Matt deals with the reaction of his church in relation to his sexuality, as does my new character Zach. Zach Mitchell, in fact, deals with LOTS of things! 

So yeah, PRAY FOR MY WORDS. I do believe they come from God because they are stories that need to be told. If you disagree with them, or the content, pray my inspiration and content changes. I don't do things quickly. I consider my words carefully. I want the stories to make a strong impact on my readers. I think they have.

I have also said before, if I wanted to write for popularity or riches, they I wouldn't write these stories. I could write cookie-cutter plots they contained LOTS of sex and were relatively fluffy. If I wrote 4-5 of those type a year, I could probably tell my husband to stop working, I've got the bills covered! But no, I don't. I am a poor artist writing what I think is meaningful and relevant to impacting the world for good, not just simple entertainment. I hope my books entertain, but hope they mean more than that.

For the record, in case my church folks are reading and somewhat stalking me online….

1. I do believe in Christ as my savior. Sorry, if you don't see the fruit you wish to see, but I believe my life has changed greatly in the last couple years. My faith has grown tremendously, and it sadness me that you cannot that God is influencing my life decisions. 

2. Although I think I agree with 95% of the doctrine at my church, I do think I disagree with that 5%. I am NOT repulsed by homosexuals. I do not recoil from gay sex. Everyone has sex. It is a part of life. Gay men, have gay sex. It is what it is, and I am in no way sickened by it. If you disagree, then don't read it. Or, better yet, pray for my words. If you truly believe in God, then believe He can influence my opinions. Only God knows my heart. Can't you trust God is working in it?

3. I stand for Human Rights. I voted for gay marriage. And I would have had my picture taken by Adam Bouska, but the NOH8 campaign hasn't been in my area for many years. When they are, I WILL!

4. I am proud of my writing. Sex or no sex. I think my words matter. I think I am learning to write more eloquently as time goes on. I believe my next release is the most beautiful story I've written. I'm sorry for those who cannot see the love I have for people, because they stumble over the sexual content in my books. They sexual content IS changing. It is. But mainly because the stories demand certain literary expressions. Sex is a literary device of human experience. 

5. I write about myself. Although that may be difficult to see or believe, I do. These are MY THOUGHTS and experiences presented in fictional characters and situations. Gay or straight, people all experience pain and laughter in life. I write it.

6. I am seeing that this is a small part of being a public figure. Persecution and moral disagreements will happen because we are all wired with different beliefs and ideals. Just as readers will be angry and post some horrible reviews, so will people in my personal life. If this is the way it will be, then I will take the ridicule. As my new tattoo reminds me, I trust "in Christ alone." Yes, religious as it may be to some, I have come to understand that only God does not change. People disappoint, but in my opinion, God does not. And I have been given FREEDOM in Christ to live out my faith by the grace He has given me. As an author, I am in the public eye often. I hope to live up to being a gracious and loving person to all. I need to work there because I am NOT loving to all. I am cynical and bitter often. I pray that God will shape my heart to let go of the bitterness.

7. I am learning to let go of FEAR. There is very little to fear anymore. I feared people "finding out" and judging me over my writing. Well, here it is. And yes, they are judging me. My writing juxtaposes the life they see me living. Hmmm. Maybe it is because I "feared" too long and for many years lived a double life like Jimmy Miller. My life is almost one complete whole now, and the fear is slipping away because I am all exposed. 

I think this reinforces what I have often pondered in blog posts about relating and empathizing with my readers. Especially they gay ones. Lucien told me that I possibly understand now what it feels like to "come out" because of the way I am being and have been treated. I cannot imagine the fear and pain of coming out, but if this is close, then I just want to hug all of you who have. It is not easy AT ALL to live open in who you are. I am not gay, and yet I am judged so quickly and easily. How much more pressure and harshness do you face every day? I respect your ability to STAY STRONG. Matt… I salute you. Sam, I adore you. Your words bring meaning to my life.

I write what I think the world needs to hear. I will not back down, because without my voice, and my HURRICANE rushing in, would the dark places of world be too quiet? (reference to my husband calling me a hurricane.) I believe I have been created for a purpose. I believe writing is my gift from God. I didn't train for it. I didn't do well in school in English. I was a math major. Writing just happened one day. In 2006. 

Join me in my journey. It is an interesting adventure for sure.

My next book comes out in 4 weeks and 3 days. It is a mini history lesson about my town. as well as the struggles in life of three friends. Each with their own piece of the puzzle to tell. I hope you like it. It is LONG. I could have cut it into 2 stories, but then readers don't like cliff-hangers so I decided on ONE whole story in ONE novel. A long novel! I'll keep you posted as things in my life happen. I'm sorry for long silences. I forget sometimes that I have people out there who do care about me and miss my posts.

Hugs to you all.

Wade

My newest tattoos:

Freedom is in my daughter's handwriting. :)

Identifying with the wounded

First, I want to say thank you to all the people out there all over the world who are constantly sending me messages of encouragement and telling me how much my books have meant to them. The funny ones and the sad ones. My stories come to mind as a way of expressing life as I see it. They are often metaphors or concepts brought to life in the context of gay relationships.

Why?

I guess because it is my way of identifying with the wounded. NOT that all gay people out there are wounded in some way, but I have known some. One of my close gay friends died last year. It wasn't pretty. And because I write about self and my experiences, the pain comes across more genuine.

I am not sure if I've said this before, but I am generally a very transparent person. In fact, my therapist had told me it was okay not to share EVERY THING WITH EVERY ONE ALL the time. After 2010, when out of fear of losing my son I completely shut down, I became a blank wall. Nothing in, nothing out. Empty. I have told my son since then that it was his adoption that saved me. I was at an all time low, very depressed, and alone. Yes, I'm married, but my husband wash;t talking to me either. I felt like I had nothing except the hope of adopting the most adorable Ukrainian kid I'd ever seen. When that happened, my life lifted.

I had been wanting to hear back about WLINE and it was rejected. LOL. Did you know that? Mainly for technical issues. And once fixed DSP took it and it was released in 2011. But I wrote it BEFORE the rash of suicides in 2010. It was painful for me to hear about them because I had JUST WRITTEN about gay suicide and here was 7 kids or so who killed themselves over gay bullying. Devastating.

But back to the transparency…. I was afraid in 2010. very afraid. People who I knew a long time abandoned me over a book. and it wasn't even all that deep. very little sex and not graphic at all. It was about a 46 yr old man who met a real life Fairie. That's funny, right? I felt the rejection loud and clear and fell into myself. Into my head. They say writers are "always in their heads." Well, I am. Totally. I channelled my pain into a book that touched SO MANY people. I wasn't going to let it go and I went with it and found a new voice away from fluff and into deep meaningful concepts of life.

Gay life I guess which I have not actually lived. ,I do however have a vast imagination.

I fall into my head and imagine the characters. I feel their pain and I write about it. I say my characters are me and they are. Each has a bit of my feeling, my personality, my religious beliefs, my political views, etc. I think for those years when I could not be myself in real life, I wrote me into characters and it went on from there.

Now, as I have being trying so desperately to put the pieces back together, my puzzle pieces fitting one by one, I am also trying to be honest and open again. I don't need to say again what my therapist said above but I will…. It's okay not to share EVERY THING WITH EVERY ONE ALL the time. But I was made that way. My vulnerability and exposure makes it easier for others to open up. It is what I've experienced and continue to find. The problem years ago was that I depended on other people to fill up my strength when I had depleted myself in feeling other's pain and carrying other's burdens. I think I've learned that only God can bear that load and fill me up with that strength. Depending on people will always let me down. I'm not saying that about anyone specifically, but as a generalization about human nature. We are all foulable creatures. It is easier for me now to be open because I know I was created to be a target.

The people I have come to care about: the broken, lost, marginalized, beaten, forsaken, and yes some are LGBTQ, these are the ones I identify with and channel when I write. I don't worry so much about me anymore. I've exposed my underbelly and gotten stabbed int he heart. I won't die. I'll keep moving forward. Because I am called to a purpose and I am confident that HE who started a good work in me will carry it to completion. I'll pick up the beaten in the gutter that no one wants because he happened to like a boy when he was 15 and they couldn't handle it. Was that you? I know a lot of young adults out there went through that. I bet JP Barnaby knows them. I won't let another kid die thinking he or she is alone and does;t matter. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. To God and to ME.

I'm transparent to a fault because those who wish to do harm have all the amp they need right there. And for the LGBT who are not hiding, they are exposed too- right? Out and open for rapid fire from people who hate without even knowing you.

Whatever happens to me, I will stand.

I told Matt Boston then other week that I learn about love and life from him and he messaged me back and said I made him think about courage and strength and that iron determination to always stand up for what's right.


Thank you Matt. I will try to be strong and courageous if you continue to show the world what true love and commitment is meant to be ;)


hugs to all.

oh, and BTW, Misplaced Affection my be my best story yet. It's definitely A Wade Kelly Special! Child abuse, religious contention, grief, loss, angst. OMGosh it's gripping and that is coming from ME and I always think I'm boring!

E-Mailing the Pastor

Yeah, not something I really wanted to do right here, right now, but I feel it was for the best. Wade Kelly is my Pen-name, you know that right? I have another Facebook page for my personal life under my given name and on THAT FB page I started a "group" for people I was friends with for years who knew I was a writer and then wondered what happened to me after 2009. Most of those were from AUTHONOMY. Recently, I started including other people in that group who know me and who now know I'm a writer. Some from high school, some from around Westminster, and yes, some from my current church. I was trying to be more open and honest in my life, something it has taken 4 years to do, and so I added current friends.

A few weeks ago, I posted about a person I added to my group and who I told some things about myself, who completely flipped out and said some things I was not prepared to hear. Things that took me right back to the fear I felt in 2010. I wrote about that int he post BACKLASHES. I knew people would come along who would NOT agree with what I write and who would disapprove strongly. This person did. Then she e-mailed. And E-mailed. Today she confronted. In my little "group" on my FB profile under my personal name, I posted this:

An update: I'm e-mailing the pastor. The "person" confronted me this morning and thinks I need to talk to the pastor. I agreed because I respect my pastor. I think he is a very intelligent man. An d although some thing I should just "find another church" I am unwilling to do that unless forced out. I am not running. I care about people too much. I need to state my case, my vision, and my cause. I see myself as a bridge between two very different worlds (at times). Bridges are built to stand the weight of everything that travels over them. Maybe God made me to bear all that weight because he knows I have no power to do that unless he sustains me. I am here for a purpose. My e-mail to the pastor basically outlines everything about me in the last 4 years. Why go into that much detail? Because SHE might. I don't want him blind-sided. People in this group have access to everything there is to know about me. My personal side AND my writer side. And really, once everyone in my personal life knows about all the writer stuff, there really isn't a reason to keep much separate except the safety of my children from the possible crazies out there. Fans can turn into Kathy Bates from Misery, ya know. So, short version… PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. Pray for my words. Pray this does NOT turn into the nightmare I lived 4 years ago.




I tell you all this because I sincerely ask you to pray for me. I know Rev. Lucien will. Good man that he is. He cares very much about me. I know Rev Ijeoma will. She even told me to put on the full armor of God. People out there in my writer-life community care about me and my stories. If what I have to say comes from God, then I only want to know the Will of God in my life. How to I use my life and talent for good? Don't we all (most) wonder about our purpose in life. I do. 


I see my life as a cooling to write about culture and society and the struggles people really go through. Does that come across in my writing? Does it? Are there things that make you as a reader think more deeply than before? Or do my words contain nothing of value and therefore it doesn't matter what topics I chose from?


I WANT TO KNOW. What matters to YOU the reader?


I could have stopped writing in 2010. I could have. I wrote a fluffy novel (now out of print) that stirred the whole hornets nest up. If I had stopped because my content was "not acceptable", then When Love Is Not Enough would not have been written. JOCK, TCOL, and NAMES would not be out there. Please comment. Tell me (and all those who MIGHT see my blog, pastor included,) what have my stories done for you and in your lives?


This is all for now. I wanted to get this out there so those who do pray, can. I love you my peeps, but I really need your strength and encouragement now more than ever.


Ciao.


Wade


But hey, good news is that if I AM THE ONE under the microscope, then all of you are off the hook for now. Too many people will be trying to "fix" me and will have no time to worry about you. :)  Just a thought.

Roller Coaster Week from Hell

This has been the craziest up and down week I think I have ever had. Truly. I mean I normally lead a crazy busy life, but my head is about to explode from all the ups and downs.

Monday I start off with NAMES CAN NEVER HURT ME. My new book! This should be great because it is getting good reviews and people seem to like it. (Which makes me happy.) I've been on several other blog sites including  The Blogger Girls, Smoocher's Voice and today The Novel Approach. (Last week was August 4 - Joyfully Jay, August 7 - Prism Book Alliance ) A new book release gives an author a high right? And then Robin Williams died.

I grew up with Robin Williams. He was in so many movies I can't name them without IMDB. I remember Mork & Mindy from when I was a kid. Dead Poet Society and Good Will Hunting were very powerful films that I will never forget! And then there is the voice of the Genie in Aladdin. My kids watch that. I watch that. And I could mention many more films. It is a sad loss indeed because he made such an impact in the industry for so many years. It wasn't just one movie, it was a lifetime of contributing beautiful acting that moved the soul to laugh and to cry. R.I.P. You will be missed.

Tuesday- I'm riding high again in the morning. NAMES hits #16 on Amazon's Best Seller List for gay romance. That was cool. It has since gone back down to #29, but it could make a surge as people get their copies and read and spread the word. And many reviews have come out. On Goodreads there are 22 ratings, 10 of which are 5 stars. 2 ratings on Amazon that give it 5 stars. I know it will not always get 5 stars, and there are like 6, 3 stars on Goodreads, but I like the 5 stars. Who wouldn't? So far the only down points I've seen are about the length. And I'm okay with that. I'll try to make the sequel a tad shorter. (Of course a tad in space terms is a half a million miles.)

And then I am sitting here and I get an e-mail from A PERSON that rips my heart out and makes me look under the table for people watching me. This person doesn't agree with what I write and told me so, strongly. She goes to my church and this situation brought back all the feelings I had 4 years ago when the pastor showed up at my door and demanded I stop writing. (Basically) It sent me into a fear and paranoia and depression that I never want to revisit, yet this woman's e-mail sent me right there. It took me almost 2 years to start trusting people again. And this has shown me, I still can't. I have to be more cautious. One thing I learned from seeing a counselor in 2010 was that I do not have to share everything with everyone. And I made a mistake here. It is my fault. We hadn't gotten the chance to talk about my vision, my goals, my aspirations. She called me "friend" yet barely knew me. And then she read my book. I don't know which one. maybe JOCK. But it is a love story between men and it contains sex. Therefore it has inappropriate material and somehow I am broken and damaged and need "fixing." Well, I could have told you that anyway, but she was not referring to me in the same manner as I refer to my own faults and brokenness. It hurt. Deeply. Because she doesn't understand WHY I write. She sees black and white from HER perspective and has no clue how deeply I care about people. I don't want another child or younger person to die (Like my friend did last year) because elf bullying and hatred and being told he was an abomination! It sickens me. No one needs to die like that. So I refuse to give in! I gave in before because I was going through an adoption and out of fear I stopped writing and deleted my online persona. FEAR. I was told there was "evidence printed out against me" and out of fear of losing my son I listen to their every word. No more. I will NOT lose my son. My son is proud of me. He tells his friends I am an author. He is happy when I am doing well. I tells me to "get writing mom!" I love that kid! He is a senior this year.

I also took my son out to get soccer cleats and I mention I will have to miss his last game. He said "It's okay." And then he questions, "Is it a home game?" I say Yes. Then he tells me IT IS SENIOR NIGHT! Um, great! I will not be there for senior night? Um, no. I have to be there. Senior night the parents walk out onto the soccer field with their seniors as they honor the departing seniors and stuff. I am to do a poster for him and everything to hang not he fence at the stadium. I can not miss that. I am him mom. My adopted orphan son is NOT going to senior night without his MOM! NO.

So what does this mean? Because if you haven't figured it out, Senior night is October 15th. Chicago. GRL. I can't be there until Thursday. I have the most awesome friend in the world, and Taryn had gotten amazing tickets for us to fly in on Wednesday morning. Relax. Get ready for Thursday. Now I had to cancel. Not how I wanted to go to bed. And NOT the conversation I wanted to have in the morning.

Wednesday- Good reviews. Multitasking Momma. Interview on Smoocher's Voice. But still dealing with the aftermath of that e-mail. (And she e-mail 2 or 3 other times) I posted a thing on Facebook and got 103 comments by that morning. WOW! Shocking. Many of whom quotes scripture at me much like PERSON did, so she really has no clue about the people I know. (Awesome ones like Ijeoma and Lucien who know scripture!) And I am so thankful for all of you encouraging me. Thank you! I also wrote a post about this stress on me (Backlashes) and it got 150 pages views. A record for me. I may think that no one notices me, or that very few people read my post, but you are out there when it counts. Thank you. I will get to all the comments you guys left soon.

Taryn popped a IM to me to see how I was and I asked to call her. I had to mention about the flight. She, being the gracious person she is, rebooked a flight. Initially she said we could leave at 7 am. It was the only flight she saw to Chicago. 7? two hour flight. Get there 9ish? in a taxi by 10 to hotel by 11/12? IDK. I was throwing out the worst case scenario since I've only been to Chicago once and traffic was bad that time. Well what happens on Thursday? Um, the supporting author signing. Probably in the morning like last year. Probably with my luck 10-12 or something which means I would basically miss the whole thing. I was super stressed about that most of the day. I had running to do. Target, post office, bank, food shopping. Made dinner. While making dinner I was messaging people. It was an overwhelming day because I was overwhelmed by all of you! You have been so kind and supportive. Lots of messages, couple e-mails, and IMs etc. Thank you! So while making dinner, Taryn messages and says she found a flight at 6am, landing 6:58am. I ask, "I thought it was a 2 hour flight? How is that one hour?" Chicago is on Central time. OMGosh I gained an hour! Now we can fly in on Thursday mooring and hopefully make it to the hotel by 8:30ish. I can crash for a bit and then be at the signing. I went to bed relieved about that! I may have been stressed about the flight situation half the day, and Taryn fixed everything, but then a fan named Karrie posted FAN ART. OH MY GOSH! You talk about instant tears? Karen, my sweet fan from France, brought me to tears when she asked me to sign a FAN (art-type) book she made for authors at RT. I was bowled over by that. AND CRIED! So when I saw Karrie's post I cried again. I haven't seen "fan art" for ME before. Harry Potter maybe. (LOL) but not little ol' me. Here is what she did for JOCK as a tribute to Cole and Ellis:

Thursday - Um, I am supposed to be heading out for a mini vacation. Most of the family is going to Knoebels Amusement Park, and then tubing or something IDK. My son is staying home because he has soccer practice, and work. Also he can take care of our dogs. I am stressed today, because I am supposed to pay some bills but my husband's deposit isn't until tomorrow. I can't really pay some until it hits. So I am nervous about mailing them. I might have my son mail them tomorrow and I can check the balance on my phone. IDK. More to worry over. And I am also supposed to have Tammy Middleton on my blog for Friend Friday!! I will try to set that up today and hopefully "publish" the post from my phone. I hope that works. The down side is that I normally post it all over and advertise FRIEND FRIDAY. I will need you all to help with that. Or you will be seeing posts Saturday night when I get back.

Today is The Novel Approach. I think I gave them another excerpt. You will have to check it out!

I think I talked long enough. Ciao.

Don't forget the blog tour. MANY posts have excerpts and giveaways.

August 4 - Joyfully Jay

August 7 - Prism Book Alliance

August 11 - The Blogger Girls

August 12 - Rainbow Book Reviews (Review only)

August 13 - Smoocher's Voice

August 14 - The Novel Approach INVOKING AN EMOTIONAL RESPONSE! :) that's me!

August 16 - Jeff Adams' Blog

August 17 - FACEBOOK takeover of Dreamspinner's FB page. I will chat in the afternoon with whoever shows up! The event invites have been sent, but invite more if you want. over 1k invited to my event :) 2-5 on the Dreamspinner page on FB.

August 20 - GGR Reviews

August 22 - Multitasking Momma

August 25 - Rainbow Gold Reviews

August 26 - Tammmy Middleton's blog

August 27 - back at Joyfully Jay

Backlashes

Last night I received a disturbing e-mail from someone I know who told me she read one of my books and although she thinks I am a wonderful author, she has a huge problem with the material. Suffice it to say that the rest of the e-mail would have all of you in uproar. It was deeply painful to hear this from someone I trusted.

In 2010 I lost everything I thought was dear to me: All my friends and my home church. I felt their pity as they stared at me, and I felt their disgust as they fled my presence. It took almost 2 years to even start trusting people again. But I did. I opened up. And apparently, I opened up a fraction to the wrong person here.

Said PERSON basically wants me to change what I write. She is very turned off by the sexual content and the love between two men. Well, one thought I had was, “Did you not read the jacket cover?” I am not sure which novel she read, but let us assume she read JOCK. I am almost 100% positive that the blurb tells you Cole falls in love with Ellis. Or implies that. It is about the relationship of two men. As I explained it to my daughter…. If you hated Panda Bears with a passion, would you read a book about Panda Bears? She said NO. Why then would a woman who disagrees with men loving men or women loving women pick up a book that clearly says:

It's easy to become cynical when life never goes your way.

Cole Reid has been a social recluse since he was fifteen, when he was outed by his high school baseball team. Since then, his obsessive-compulsive behavior and sarcastic nature have driven away most of the population, and everyone else hates him because he's gay. As he sees it, he's bound to repulse any prospective friends, let alone boyfriends, so why bother?

By the time Cole enters college, he's become an anal-retentive loner—but it's not a problem until his roommate graduates and the housing department assigns Ellis Montgomery to move in with Cole. Ellis is messy, gorgeous, straight, and worst of all, a "jock"!

During a school year filled with frat buddies, camping expeditions, and meddling parents, Cole and Ellis develop a friendship that turns Cole's glass-half-empty outlook on its head. There must be more to Ellis than a fun-loving jock—and maybe Cole's reawakening libido has rekindled his hope for more than camaraderie.

….Um, “awakened libido” would imply SOMETHING! Wouldn’t it?

Said PERSON wants me to write something SHE would find acceptable. Basically, I get the impression she wants me to write a Christian novel. No sex, and heavy on the religious aspect tailored to specific beliefs of Christianity.

In one way I DO write that. I am a Christian, and I wrote a novel. (Several.) I write my beliefs INTO my characters because it is something that is important to me and I believe other feel the same search in themselves to know and understand God. Some don’t, but some do.

One question that Jodi from Smoocher’s Voice (please visit to read the entire interview) asked was:

·      Religion and homophobia play a major role in your books. You specifically focus on intolerance of Christians. Why is this a prevalent theme in your books?

I said: Because of what I personally experienced. If I am NOT gay and went through this kind of hell (hell partially because I lost ALL my friends I had had for 10 years, fyi) , then what the heck kind of crap are the real homosexuals experiencing, because that can’t be nice. So, I explore my thoughts and write about them.

I have always said I write about myself. My experiences. My pain. But INTO gay characters. If I was persecuted (Like MATT DIXON in The Cost of Loving) and I am NOT gay, then the experience for some of you out there who ARE has to be 10x worse, some 100x worse.

I went to bed early because my stomach hurt. My head hurt. It hurts now! But said PERSON basically reinforced WHY I need to write in the first place. People are naïve and some go through life in a church with this idea of “love the sinner, hate the sin.” Well, that doesn’t work. There is a quote from my WIP that comes to mind:

“Understand what? Me being gay?” And yes, I just came out. Shit. Where the fuck was Keith?

“Yes. No. I don’t know. My cousin’s gay. I don’t understand him. He likes this other dude, ya know, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Bruce absently touched the side of Keith’s half-full mug. He looked so pathetic I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.

I said, “You don’t have to do anything. Just be his cousin. Be his friend.” It seemed so logical to me. I guess I should have taken my own advice and just been myself and when someone couldn’t relate I could have told them just to be my friend. Easier said than done.

Bruce looked up. “That’s it?”

“That’s it. He isn’t a different person. You just see him differently. Stop. If you mentally paint labels on people’s foreheads, like ‘homosexual,’ ‘dyke,’ ‘puffster,’ or even a name as innocuous as ‘loser,’ it unconsciously changes your perception. Without even realizing it, you don’t see them as a person any longer, but as a definition. They are who they are. Your cousin is still your cousin.”

He nodded slowly as if considering what I had to say very carefully. “You know, you’re even starting to sound like Keith.”

I smiled. That was the first time I’d ever heard Bruce use a first name as a reference to anyone. “I guess. He’s in the bathroom if you want to talk to him.”

Bruce stood up but lingered by the table. “Nah, that’s okay. Leppo’s too egotistical. He always has to be right.”

This is going to be an amazing book. I think. I hope. I include some very good concepts. But Flynn hits my point here. People can not view people as a “definition” because it takes away their humanity. People cease being people and they become statistics.

And often, people in the church want to “fix” you, or ME. I think she sees me as a project to “fix” because of what I write. Her e-mail brought back all the feelings of fear and paranoia that followed me around for years. I started trusting people again, and here is where it's led me. Square one. Square 1.5. She wants to remain friends. I really don’t think we were before this because she obviously doesn’t know me at all. She doesn’t believe in me. And she certainly doesn’t believe that God is at work in my life.

I DO believe my writing is a gift from God and I want to strive to touch people’s hearts as I have already done, and MORE.

My characters are gay. If you can’t handle that, then DON’T READ MY BOOKS! Also, if you can’t handle getting your heart ripped out sometimes, then don’t read my books. They are all different and unpredictably funny or painful. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

That said, Multitasking Momma wrote a review that I haven’t read yet. I think I need to see what she said. I will link it HERE. When I get it….. Additional. I read it. She made me cry. Thanks J. :)
She also gave NAMES a ribbon. :)

Hugs to all my peeps. I am wounded, but not dead.