Beating Myself Up

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough? Felt you weren't smart enough or talented enough to even compare yourself with others? Felt "others" were far more accomplished and intelligent and successful that you were not even in their league? I have. At least I guess I can describe it all in those three sentences. haha.

I look around at others in my field of interest and they seem so "together." Other authors write all the time and have word-count goals (which they meet) and here I am with little to nothing written a day, kicking myself for feeling glum and down and procrastinating. I find it hard to write. Sometimes I find it boring to write. I sat in on a panel at Rainbow Con and heard Lexi Ander talking about plotting out books and that sometimes after it is plotted out so meticulously, she feels it is "done." In her mind, the story is finished and she said (something like) she forgets that it is not done for the readers. THEY haven't heard it yet! … I liked her description because that is how I feel when it comes to writing.

I sit down after thinking about a scene over and over, and I find it difficult to write. It is like I thought about it so long that the scene is boring. It is DONE. But it's not! The scene has played out in my head so very long that when I sit to write it, it feels old and warn out, but I have to remember that my readers can't see into my head. My readers haven't seen Keith and Flynn kissing. My readers haven't seen Flynn lying on top of Keith's outstretched body, fisting his hair and plundering his mouth. (HAHAHA)

So…. please forgive me that I forget about you out there, but it happens.

I get depressed about not writing fast enough also. Like I said, I see others writing all the time and producing book after book and I put out about one a year. That is crazy. I get down and kick myself for not being more productive and not writing like "the other guy."

I don't write this for your pity, but for encouragement to others who might feel as I do. You are not alone. Writing is hard! Focus is hard! And remembering I am not in this for everyone else is hard. I am in this for me. I am writing because I feel the desire and joy to create stories about all the things that happen in the world around me. One day I might even branch out into the stories of things that could happen on other worlds too. :D maybe!

For now, don't let me forget that I don't need to hurry. I am not in a competition to write 50k in a month. I don't do NaNoWritMo because 1. it is in November and I always have too much to do in November & 2. It seemed to be too much scrambling to write "words" that I found;t focus on the content. I normally edit as I go. I am not an author who can simply write now and edit later. I can't. I won't. I need to be true to myself. I write scene by scene. I describe things scene by scene. I find my flow in the way the characters react to elements int he scene as it relates to the plot. If I stopped thinking about the way I painted my picture by only throwing paint on the canvas I think my characters voices would get lost. I am not that type of writer.

So…. I need to STOP BEATING MYSELF UP for not writing faster. Right? I just need to write at whatever pace it comes out. That is not to say I need to forget that I am a writer and I need to practice my talent daily or else lose the flavor and the flare. I should push for more, but I can't get down when my "more" is 300 words and someone else is writing 3000 or 30,000. I can't.

Names Can Never Hurt Me was written in about 14 months. For some authors that might seem like a life time to finish ONE story. But for me, I think it was worth the time. My editors may not agree as I have some serious issues with verb tense in this one and the first editor had to FIX so much of the manuscript. I feel bad for her :( But I also thank her for her patience.

I also worry that because I take so long to release another novel that you all will forget about me. This is another item I need to stop beating myself up over. Some may forget, but many will not. I was blown away by how many people (authors and readers) knew who I was at Rainbow Con. WOW. Incredible! I thought so many times "You've heard of me?" hahaha. So, if I take a year to produce a novel, maybe nudge me from times to time so I know I am still in your thoughts. That I am still an author you want to read.

This next one will be coming out soon. My friend read it and loved it! I can only hope more of you will love Names Can Never Hurt Me and that your praise will get around Amazon and Goodreads and readers will perk up and say, "Oh, Wade Kelly wrote another one? Interesting. Maybe I'll read that." I can't rent the jumbo-tron at Times Square to advertise. I rely on you good people to tell other good people about the books you like. (Mine included.)

Now… the work in progress… I'm working on Misplaced Affection today. I added 1200 words and then I had to go the mechanic's office and wait for my son's truck. While there today, I wrote another 1400 words and this blog! YAY. I had a nail in both front tires of MY car because I am thorough, but they patched them for now. I like waiting there sometimes because I have time to do nothing but write. Ya know? I have no internet to distract me and I can't go anywhere. I was given the gift of time. haha. I like this story and I can only hope to write the "boring" scenes I have in my head for the rest of the world to read.

LOL… I say boring, but I think I have figured out why they are boring to me as I have written this blog. I have "seen" them so often in my head that they come off as "bent here done that" when I write. But I haven't. Not really. The scene, boring or not, needs to come out and get shared. YOU ALL can tell me if I am boring.

One last note. The first editor described NAMES as a "surprisingly sweet romance about a millennial who refuses to grow up." You will have to let me know how accurate you think that is. OKAY??


Hugs to all my amazing friends, readers, and peeps. :)

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ERIC ARVIN!!! I HOPE IT IS A WONDERFUL DAY!

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY,

WADE

Thinking about my friends

Hello,

I guess this is me promoting others. I do that sometimes. I wanted to let you all know about some books that my friends wrote. ALL of which I have NOT read... yet. But they are friends and I like to talk about my friends :)

First… S. Chris Shirley…. He has a book coming out June 11, 2014. This is his first publication and he has been working on this novel for years! YEARS!!!!! So check it out. If it sounds like a good read to you, buy it! and review it on Amazon, Goodreads, etc…

When seventeen-year old high school newspaper editor Jake Powell, fresh from Alabama, lands in New York City to attend Columbia University's prestigious summer journalism program, it's a dream come true. But his father, a fundamentalist Christian preacher, smells trouble. And his father is rarely wrong.

In Playing by the Book, Jake navigates new and unfamiliar ways "up North," starting with his feelings for a handsome Jewish classmate named Sam. What Jake could keep hidden back home is now pushed to the surface in the Big Apple.

Standing by his side are a gorgeous brunette with a Park Avenue attitude and the designer bags to match, a high school friend who has watched Jake grow up and isn't sure she's ready to let him go, and an outrageously flamboyant aunt who's determined to help Jake find the courage to accept love and avoid the pain that she has experienced.

Provocative and moving, Playing by The Book is a feel-good novel about the joy and heartbreak we encounter in the search for our own truth.

It is a YA novel. I read it is targeted for 13-16 yr olds. It is on Barnes and Noble for preorder.

And then there is Astrally Yours by Alex Carreras

This sci-fi fantasy novel is also found on Barnes and Noble. 

An Aferrum Brotherhood Novella. 20,486 words.
Caeli Aferrum found himself in the Midwest unsure what to expect from the human race.
He was searching Earth for a partner he could call his own along with some of his brethren. After a few beers and a name change to, Kyle he found the curious creatures full of questions. They appeared less scary and a whole lot sexier, especially the one named Hank.

When Hank Cutter entered Rascals Bar the last thing he expected in his small town of North Fork, Kansas was to meet a man. There was only one gay man in town and that happened to be him. He finds himself faced with a startling truth: Kyle is actually a Ferrumis in search of a mate he intends to have for life on the spacecraft Fronza, a stolen Thorean ship manned by seven other aliens who are roaming the galaxy with no particular destination in mind. He knew love came in many different shapes and sizes, but did his have to have a smooth metallic-colored tail and a set of razor sharp fangs?

Can their love span species lines and quench the growing lust in Caeli in time to save him from his Needing? Or will Hank deny his growing feelings to stay safe and sound on good ol’ planet Earth?

Tail and fangs? Hmm, sounds interesting to me!! :p

And lastly for today, my friend Michael Chulsky. I am about 1/3 to 1/2 way through his novel The Descending Darkness. It is a YA fantasy with teenage characters and his dialogue so far is exactly what I would expect from teenagers! When I finish, I will write a review.

After going from demon hunter to babysitter, seventeen-year-old SHADOW has truly hit rock bottom. One week he's slaughtering demons, and the next he has ten super-powered teenagers in his care. Shadow needs them, because without them he can't hope to defeat his new foe. But he's never dealt with other teenagers before. He never had a real childhood. He's always been a loner. Hell, he's tried the whole having-a-pet thing. It died. Shadow's mission: save the world and ensure his entire team survives the potential apocalypse. If MAEDARA, self-proclaimed fashionista and Queen of Evil, wasn't trying to rule the world, it'd be cake. Now, not only does Shadow have to deal with teens more concerned with going to the mall than fighting evil, but also a villain who, in his opinion, makes Lady Gaga look like Mother Theresa. Found on Amazon.

These are my picks of the week for you to check out while you are waiting ever so patiently for ME.

I am doing well. Busy as ever. I have RT coming up in a week. I hope to get the second round of edits this week, that would be great! I was crazy worried about my book Names Can Never Hurt Me so I asked a friend to read it and let me know if he hated it. Mainly because this particular editor for the first edits, really had nothing to say. Her silence made me question my writing. (AGAIN.) He said not to fear! He like it. Phew.

I'm sorry I doubted you Tina. You said you liked it and I should just trust your gut. But now I have 3 guts to go by. (three because my friend also gave it to his husband to read. Another of my friends.) I bank on their honesty. They are good people. So I hope it will also go over well with my audience. I want you readers out there to react. for good and bad. I want you to laugh and cry and relate to my characters. Or at least enjoy them. And hey, Names Can Never Hurt Me has a sequel planned! heehee. So when you finish reading, let me know if you are interested in more. (Although I hope by then I might have a good portion of it written.)

Coming soon! (I'll shout the date when I have it!)

What if sexuality wasn’t a definable thing and labels merely got in the way?

Nick Jones can’t remember a time when he wasn’t part of the in crowd. Everywhere he goes, he stands out as the best looking guy in the room, and women practically fall into bed with him. Then, after kissing Corey on a dare led to much more and on many occasions, Nick’s “screw anything” reputation escalated, but he didn’t care. 

When Nick meets RC at the restaurant where he works, it throws his whole life out of whack. Overweight, always sweaty, gay, and hairy like a bear; RC lives up to his dubbed nickname “scruffy dude.” He seems Nick’s complete opposite, but Nick can’t get him out of his head.

Because of peer-pressure and his fears about defining his sexuality, Nick struggles with stepping out of his comfort zone and caring about someone different than himself.  If he’s lucky, somewhere between arrogance and ignorance, Nick might find out what it means to be an adult, but if he’s wrong, he could lose everything.  

That's all for now. Over and out!

Wade

Did you know I wrote this?

This is just a little post about Sculpting Clay. A lesser known novel, and my first. WAY back when in 2010 (that year that had so many ups and downs), I published my very first NOVEL with Dreamspinner Press. January 28, 2010. It was the start of my published career. But as I have explained here and there and back again, I had to "cease to exist" under that name. So, sadly, Sculpting Clay sits by its lonesome on Dreamspinner without much traffic.

However, in recent months, I have grown more bold in letting people know I had started my author career before "Wade Kelly" came around. I have linked this first novel on my website bio >> HERE << and to my surprise, someone actually noticed it! For ease or future inquiring minds, I am listing it under "Other Publications."

What made me think about marketing this book again is that I have received several e-mails recently asking, "What else have I written," because the reader wanted to get his hands on MORE of my stuff. This is a tad shocking. And after I mentioned Sculpting Clay, one guy said he had already purchased it! WOW. Surreal. People are looking at my website. :D This makes me happy. He even asked about my picture on my bio page. 

I am GLAD people are paying attention and looking and "stalking" if you will. Stalking because you want more information about your favorite artist is something I understand. I nose-around the internet to find stuff about All TIme Low because I love their music! I want to read bios and see when they are on tour and where. So, I am adding a "Con Schedule". Does this make sense? That way I can keep it up to date to let readers know what conferences I plan to attend. Sometimes, these conferences get booked FAR in advance. If you want to come out and meet me, or get a book signed, then you will know where to find me. I am embracing the fact that I am becoming a public figure. Not that I am all that huge, but it is shocking and delightful to go places and people actually know who I am from my books. WOW. I am still reeling from Sue Brown telling me "it was delightful to meet one of her favorite authors" because she "loved my books." BLOWS MY MIND!

I made some adjustments to the web page :)

Anyhow… Back to the OTHER Publication. If you want something to read while you wait for Names Can Never Hurt Me to come out, please try my fun, slightly paranormal, romantic tale about a 46 year old man who finally finds his Prince Charming.

Blurb: 

When Taran Lorenz enters Clay Stevens's life, Clay is still reeling after his long-time partner, Javier, abruptly ended their relationship. Taran gives Clay the motivation to start living again, but Clay’s insanely jealous ex threatens to nip their relationship in the bud... only Taran won't give up, even when Javier gets their mutual employer, the manipulative billionaire Vincent Torres, to mark Taran for “removal.”

It's the start of a fight on three fronts: Javier confessing his continued love for Clay while he tries to run Taran off, Taran fighting to be loved and accepted for who he is—not what he is—after magically returning from the dead, and Clay trying to figure out how he got stuck in this fairy tale of monumental proportions and where he can find the happily-ever-after ending.

Encouragement and Support

I have to say, I apologize to all those people out there who actually DO read my blog and wonder what is going on with me when I am MIA. I guess it just doesn’t register in my pinball machine brain that there ARE people who care, people who WANT TO KNOW about me. Rainbow Con that I attended the previous week/weekend was slightly eye opening, as there were people who knew who I was! Or, at the very least, people who said, “YOU’RE Wade Kelly? I’m so excited to meet you!” There were people who read my books already, yet wanted to buy a paperback anyway because they wanted it signed. SIGNED? Wow. Way cool.

This is not my first experience with this, as my virgin “signing” was at GRL last fall, but the flattery in autographing a book is still bewildering. (Does that make sense?) It blows my mind that people want to meet me and want my autograph. So to all you out there, a HUGE THANK YOU! You kindness and encouragement and support is greatly appreciated.

And then there are those who e-mail me. I LOVE e-mails from readers. Authors really cannot get enough. (Well, probably. I don’t talk to may authors about their fan mail.) I know that for me, I always doubt myself. I doubt my abilities, I doubt my voice, I doubt my stories, I have had a hard time in the last few years believing that people LIKE what I write. WHY? I think it goes back to the people that hurt me in 2010. When beaten down, told to “stop writing,” and ridiculed for trying to be myself, I think my soul and spirit got injured. I was told so many times that I was unacceptable.

Four years later I am a different person, yet the doubt still lingers. I see others whose careers in writing have shot off to great heights where mine is still climbing slowly and I guess it is discouraging. I wish I could write faster. But then there are those moments when someone tells me, “Take as long as you want to write the next one. I’ll wait. I’d rather have quality than for you to rush.” Or “I love your writing. I’ll wait however long it takes.” Or being told I have a “fresh voice” in the industry.

I like that. “A fresh voice.” I have always been different. I think that’s why the church I was forced out of disliked me because I think differently. I challenge the norms. I don’t like going with the flow all the time. My fortune last night (we ate Chinese food) was “Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure.” Oh my gosh, it couldn’t be more true. I WANT that. I have gotten so bold in the last few years. In 2010 I completely shut myself off! Monika has told me several times how much progress I’ve made in coming out of my shell. Truth is, the “shell” wasn’t natural. It was a knee-jerk response to emotional attack. To protect myself, I crawled inside and hid who I was. Isn’t it like that for many?

If you are not able to be YOU because of judgment, ridicule, or harassment, then it becomes second nature to hide. I don’t want to live like that! LIFE IS A BOLD ADVENTURE! This is what I want to embrace: LIFE.

How does that translate into my writing? IDK. What I DO know is that I continue to doubt my abilities. Mainly because I still only have the three books to base my talent on and two of them are not huge sellers. They don’t have to be, I’m simply saying that it is hard to believe people like my writing when 2/3 of my stuff is a hard sell. But new stuff is on the horizon!

Names Can Never Hurt Me…. Will readers like it? I don’t know. Seriously, I don’t know. As I went through edits the past week I saw things that maybe just might make readers scream at the pages. You might want to throw the book. You might want to burn it. You might e-mail me and tell me I am an awful person for writing such hateful crap. OR…. Or you might pause to consider the words, and the concepts. You might tear-up and feel for the characters. You might laugh. I do not write normal m4m romance. I’m not normal, period. But I write from my heart. I want to create something people can relate to. I want people to identify with my characters. So if you do, please let me know. Some people connect with Cole and Ellis, but really don’t like Matt, Jimmy and Darian. I hope you will love Nick and RC. Stick with Nick. He can be an ass, but he matures, I promise.

And if you have a favorite book or author, e-mail them! We love your thoughts. We are artists. And often artists go unappreciated or unnoticed. The nature of writing is to expose my (our) heart and soul to a virtual audience and hope to make someone pause to take notice. Like a violinist in the subway. He plays, but will someone stop and drop some coins in the case, or simply pass by? Do pause for me, linger, and drop a coin in the form of a note or comment.

Thank you again to all you wonderful people who have in the past messaged me, and the recent ones who have sent a note. I need it. Self-doubt is hard to combat alone.

And as far as Rainbow Con… It was wonderful. I met some great people and I reconnected with old friends. I will most likely be there next year. It is in July. I would encourage all of you to consider going. There were way more authors than readers for sure. OR, consider attending GRL in October 2015. Plan for it. Save for it. GRL for 2014 is sold out, but if you plan ahead you can jump on to sign up in March next year. It is huge and not just for authors. I am looking forward to meeting new people. AND READERS, not just authors. I know that Paul (met on GR and FB) is going to be there and I am excited about that!

That is all for now. I’ll write again, I will make the time!

PS: Congrats to Anthony Kudo for winning the audio book of JOCK. I will have another drawing for the attendees of RT Booklovers Conference in May.