Dirty Dozen - I'm Hosting Amy Wasp!

Hello lovely readers! I am here with Amy Wasp from the GRL Dirty Dozen. What IS the Dirty Dozen, you ask?

12 Days | 12 Authors | 12 eBook giveaway

Dirty Dozen Author schedule...

October 1^st - Amy Wasp will host Wade Kelly

October 2^nd - Jeff Adams will host Jessie Gin

October 3^rd - TM Smith will host K-Lee Klein

October 4^th - AE Via will host Deanna Wadsworth

October 5^th - Lynn Michaels will host Alexa Land

October 6^th - JR Barten will host Morningstar Ashley

October 7^th - Morningstar Ashley will host Jen JR Barton

October 8^th - Alexa Land will host Lynn Michaels

October 9^th - Deanna Wadsworth will host AE Via

October 10^th - K-Lee Klein will host TM Smith

October 11^th - Jessie Gin will host Jeff Adams

October 12^th - Wade Kelly will host Amy Wasp

TM Smith came up with the idea of 12 authors asking each other questions and hosting each other on our blogs to help spread the word through our readership. Is it working? Only you can answer that. So, for now, sit back and enjoy about Amy's book City Boy and what she had to say when she answered her questions.

City Boy Blub 

City Boy: Hot Off the Ice book 1

Follow the money or follow your heart? Either way, you lose.

When a blown tire leads directly to mind-blowing sex with a white knight named Dakota, pro-hockey player Bryce Lowery discovers he is most definitely gay.

Being with Dakota opens up a whole new world. Bryce can't imagine life without him. But he refuses to be Bryce's dirty little secret. If he wants to keep Dakota, he's either going to have to come out publicly or retire and walk away from millions of dollars.

Bryce Lowery feels like the answer to all of Dakota's prayers. But is Dakota willing to leave the only life he's ever known only to be thrust into the spotlight as the boyfriend of the first out gay hockey player? Would their relationship even survive it?

He'll lose Bryce if he doesn't because Bryce will leave eventually. No one would turn down millions of dollars for a nobody with nothing.

City Boy is a first time gay, fish out of water, May/December love story with a happy ending. It features snarky siblings, a dirty-talking farmer, lots of food, and big choices. (No poultry was harmed in the making of this book.)

Now on to the questions we asked each other....

Amy Wasp - What is your favorite trope to write and why?

I love writing friends to lovers. The characters have a history together, they already have inside jokes and friends in common, and it makes for a very rich background. It also helps me with the dialogue, and items/locations can have pre-existing meaning for both characters and their friends.

Second chances have a lot of similarities. But for me, as the author, I have a hard time coming up with a good reason they broke up that is also something they can overcome in the present.

Pretend husband/boyfriend is another favorite because it lends itself to a lot of shenanigans and physical humor; two of my favorite things.

Jeff Adams - what’s your favorite part of the writing process and why?

I like the second or third draft through a manuscript. I can take all those clunky lines and make them better. I can discard subplots or themes that went nowhere. I can seed in things to support the revelations I came to about the characters in the final chapters. It’s when the story starts to not suck in my mind.

TM Smith – What inspires you to write?

Bills. JI don’t know. I’ve always written. I love learning about people’s stories and my mind just takes off. Now that I have bunch of books out, I am inspired by the lovely things people say to me about how my books make them happy. That’s my main goal, to give people a few hours of happiness.

AE Via- What career would you have if you never would've published your first book?

I didn’t publish my first book until I was fifty, so I can honestly say…none. I suck at real jobs. The longest time I held one for was three years and that was because it was a government job that I couldn’t quite without serious financial consequences until the time was up. I just kind of make up life as I go along. Ask me about my student loans! (No, please, don’t)

Lynn Michaels - How do you balance being original and giving the readers what they expect/want?

I don’t have a problem with that. I, too, love the same but different in my entertainment! Each story is unique because every character is unique. Every first kiss, every last first kiss, is special. If I took the pairs of characters from each of my books, and put them in the exact same trope-world, each book would be different.

Now I kind of want to do an anthology like that. Any takers?

JR Barten  - What have you done as a writer that you are most proud of?

Paid for my one kid’s tuition. Writing-wise, my ability to learn and grow with each book. I try to make each one better than the previous one or at least add something I felt was missing from previous ones, concentrate more on an element of story-telling that I short-changed.

Morningstar Ashley - What genre and trope would you like you write that you haven't yet?

Epic fantasy/fated destiny kind of trope. I started one and have two books in the series, but they didn’t sell well, so I never finished the trilogy. I will in 2019 even if no one reads it because I love it!

Alexa Land - What are you working on now, and when can your readers expect it?

I’m working on two things: Book 2 in the Pros & Cons series, Pros & Cons of Lying, staring Danny and Wesley from books one, and a follow up to Score, which will be the start of a companion series to the Hot Off the Ice book, featuring the Tornadoes, the Thunders’ minor league development team. I started it in a free short that’s available when you sign up to my mailing list called “Twenty Bucks.”

Deanna Wadsworth - How do you come up with your character's names?

It’s so hard. I had to come up with an entire roster for two fictional hockey teams. And nicknames for them.

Names are very important to me. A person’s given name and what they like to be called, what different people in their lives call them, can reveal a lot about the character and their relationship with different people.

I usually spend a lot of time on names. For main characters, I have to know their background first – place of birth, ethnic, economic, age-to have a place to start.  I try not to default to generic white American names unless that is part of the character. You can see I have a fondness for Russian names (which is lucky because there are a lot of Russian hockey players) because of all the variations of their names and the way they signal the level of intimacy between two people.

K-Lee Klein - Do you usually have only one project on the go or do you multitask between stories?

I try to only be writing-writing (which I what I call writing actual sentences) one thing at a time. I have folders/bookmarks/files for all my works in progress or potential future ideas, and as bits of dialogue or plot thoughts come to me, I’ll write them down. I seldom start from a totally blank page with no idea of what I’m going to write.

I have a million ideas, titles, character names, and setups in many different folders!

Jessie Gin - What do you think makes a good story?

Being emotionally invested in the characters. If I’m not, no amount of exciting plot or beautiful prose can make me finish. I have to care what happens to the person/people I’m reading about.

Wade Kelly -What is your suggestion or piece of advice to new and upcoming authors?

Write a lot. Have realistic expectations, and don’t underestimate the intelligence of your audience. If a book you think is ‘bad’ is doing really well, don’t waste time with saying ‘I don’t understand, how can people like this, etc, etc. It’s poorly written, simplistic…’ take a long hard look and tear that book apart to try and find out what is making people respond so strongly to that book.

Reading isn’t an academic exercise, it’s emotional, we as readers want something  that grips us for whatever reason and doesn’t let us go. Try to find what that is.

And a short trick for romance writers: Make sure you have at least one scene in each book that will make readers sigh and say “Why doesn’t that ever happen to me?”  If you can’t imagine a reader telling their best friend, “Oh my god. I loved the scene where x happened, or where Y did this,” try harder. Make those scenes happen.

Bio

Amy (A. E.) Wasp is the author of the hockey romance seriesHot Off the Icefeaturing the fictional NHL team, the Seattle Thunder and the intertwined lives of the players, staff, and the people they love. The recently-launched Boy Next Door is the most current addition to the series.

Score, a part of the Hidden Creek family of books, introduced the Tornadoes, the Thunder’s minor league development team. Their story will continue in the Chasing the Stormseries, premiering in 2019.

HerVeteran Affairs series focuses on the issues veterans of all ages and backgrounds face when the return to civilian life. All the stories take place in a small town in Northern Colorado that is remarkably similar to the one in which she lives. Readers can expect a new Veterans Affairs book in the first half of 2019.

Pros & Cons, her newest series, a Leverage/Charlie’s Angels-inspired romantic suspense, high in banter and sexy times, low in detail on how, exactly, things got done, launched in September. The first book, Pros & Cons of Vengeancewas co-written with author May Archer and released in September. Book 2, Pros & Cons of Lying, will be out by November. (Fingers crossed!)

Each of her books can be read as stand-alones, but they’re always best if you read them all!

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The Dirty Dozen hopes you have enjoyed their answers. As for me, Wade, I hope you have hopped to each and every author's blog and read about the authors who will appear at GayRomLit this year in Virginia.

Thanks for stopping by!

Wade

It's Been a Year!

WOW. I can't believe it's been a year already. Not a whole lot has changed and yet I feel like so much has changed--and that probably makes no sense. But, I am still alive. I'm around. I'm trying to sort out my life and my head. The last few years have really knocked me around. My pain is not much compared to what some people have gone through, but it is MY pain and real to ME. And I'm working through it.

Right now, it is October which means GRL and the Dirty Dozen Blog Hop, which is happening now. I normally post what's been going on and post links, but I have more problems with Internet than I am really willing to handle. I just put things off because I don't care to expend the energy, and then BOOM an entire year goes by.

I will update this post when I can, hopefully tomorrow, with all the links. Or maybe do another post with all the links. For now, here is the group banner:

Author schedule... 

October 1^st- Amy Wasp will hostWade Kelly

October 2^nd- Jeff Adams will hostJessie Gin

October 3^rd- TM Smith will hostK-Lee Klein

October 4^th- AE Via will hostDeanna Wadsworth

October 5^th- Lynn Michaels will hostAlexa Land

October 6^th- JR Barten will hostMorningstar Ashley

October 7^th- Morningstar Ashley will hostJen JR Barton

October 8^th- Alexa Land will hostLynn Michaels

October 9^th- Deanna Wadsworth will hostAE Via

October 10^th- K-Lee Klein will host TM Smith

October 11^th- Jessie Gin will hostJeff Adams

October 12^th- Wade Kelly will hostAmy Wasp

GRL is coming up next week. Comment and let me know if I should keep a look out for you!

I'll be p[osting about Amy Wasp tomorrow!.

For now,

Ciao.

Wade <3

SEX in books

Too much in my head. Sometimes I just can't think because the thoughts are too many and they get jumbled up. Has that ever happened to you? It's like I'm overloaded and the synapses are all firing at once or not firing at all. IDK. For years, I've been dealing with the fact I chose a non-popular topic to write about. I guess at first I thought it was all about the taboo subject of homosexuality. In 2010, I was all but accused of "turning" three boys gay. (Because I have the power of God.) It was this, "I can't believe you wrote a book with gay characters" and "what is your involvement with the youth" all in the same breath that had me reeling. I was told to stop writing. I tried. But the words wouldn't stop. The characters kept screaming. So, I wrote When Love is Not Enough. Ove the last seven years I guess, I've gone through changes and personal struggles. For a long time, I WAS Jamie Miller. (WLINE) I lied all the time. Mostly by commission. I just didn't talk. I never spoke about writing. I wrote when no one was around. I kept my feelings to myself. I closed my heart off from everyone. I think people found WLINE powerful because at the time, that book was all I had. I poured my heart into the story and characters. I purged my despair onto the pages. Since then, I've written heavy books and lite books and I have a scale to warn readers. LOL The writing has flowed fairly well over the years even though I've had to skirt around the subject of what I write to most people I know.
2014 brought betrayal. My happy go lucky, carefree attitude got zapped when I trusted the wrong person. I guess what I learned from that experience is that I cannot trust people. But, on the other hand, when I do, I need to be prepared for hatred and resentment. It's sort of the same when anyone reads a book and you are the author. Some love it, some hate it. Well, when those people are people you know in real life and not just random faceless people out in the world somewhere, the pain of rejection is closer to the heart. It feels like betrayal and being stabbed in the gut. Not only do you, or that person, hate my book, they turn against me because the subject matter offends so greatly they have to involve the church leadership. In some ways, this is exactly what happened in 2010, only without accusing me of turning certain boys gay. Now, it's the fact that I'm "promoting a lifestyle contrary to God's word," and promoting impurity and disharmony in the church. I do not believe this is true. I have always tried to bring people together in my church. For YEARS I have said the pastor's sermons are the best I've ever heard. In my books, I try to promote monogamy and safe sex because that is what I believe in. I AM promoting purity. I believe in marriage. I also believe in Jesus. I think Robin McAvoy emerged (character in JOCK 1) because I needed a character to represent my beliefs. I also think I've had a struggle completing book 4 because it's HIS story, and in a sense MY story, and it isn't finished yet. I personally struggle God's Will IN my life and how I should live and what I should write because I think I have something to say that goes against the current grain of the church. I see the church failing humanity, when it should be nurturing it. The church as a whole has lost its ability to love. That is what I see. Apparently, (I was told), the pastor at my church sees this too. He agrees. Great! Then stop killing the souls of those who want to love! He, and others, have crushed my spirit. I feel like giving up. The fight is too difficult. I've been away from church for 2 months. They will not leave me alone. Now I'm requested to have a meeting. I can't run because it involves my family. It is not as easy as you think. I have to stand up, again, and defend myself. From what I understand it all comes down to sex. Always sex. I write sex. It supposedly isn't the sexuality in it, but the blatant sex. I have no problem scaling this back. I don't write erotica anyway. My fear is that if I give an inch, it will become more. It won't end with "you shouldn't write sex." I fear it will morph into, "This is what you should write." And this is what I cannot do. I CANNOT and WILL NOT write what someone SAYS I should write. ONE, that's not how my brain works. TWO, I think I have a calling to write things relevant to culture and the real struggles people are going through. I think sex is a part of that. I think monogamous, safe sex practices are best. That's my agenda. Don't be stupid about your choices. In WLINE, Matt Dixon makes a terrible choice of going off with someone he didn't know. He blindly trusts someone and gets hurt. I hope the message there was clear--DON'T TRUST STRANGERS. Don't let them tie you up. Because you know what, kids are out there, having sex, without thought of condoms or safe sex. They trust the wrong people. And bad things can happen. Sure, I write sexual content. And the church has issue with it. To me, sex is where people relate. We all have sex. The difference is that sex isn't always a good choice. With two men, or two women, pregnancy isn't an issue, so some do not think there are consequences. BUT THERE ARE.
Examples: After sex, some people make an emotional connection. Sex isn't a canal act done in a vacuum! Sex cannot always be done for sex-sake. This is a "consequence." So by writing stories that show this, it might make people think about random hook-ups. IDK. I can tell you I've read stories where the random hook-up turns into love and marriage. Which again, proves my point. People make emotional connections through sex. Even when you think it's merely physical. Another consequence is disease. You can pass on HIV or other STDs when not using condoms. Safe sex practices are best. Did you know there are readers who may have NEVER been taught this? If a gay boy is isolated in whatever city or societal situation he is in, whether it is homeschooling, church, or a tiny town in the mid-west, he may have never been told about gay sex. PORN is not a great educational tool for all things sex. He (or she) is alone and confused and finds a book online about a gay kid. WHAT!?!?! There IS such a thing? Some kids still don't realize there are others out there like them. Some readers are just your average straight person who has NO IDEA that gays are still thrown in jail or murdered just because they love the same sex. Writing informs people, even through fictional stories. My stories. They are important.
Sex can be a powerful thing. It can be raunchy, but it can also be beautiful. Kids, young men, young adults, who have had bad sexual experiences may not know all that is out there. Maybe some have been raped. Maybe some have been tortured. YOU DON'T KNOW. I don't know. But if a traumatized person can read a beautiful love story and realize they too might be able to find this type of love, and intimacy through sex, then SEX can heal. I write sex because it is where people relate. Sex is the most intense connection two people can make. My goal has always been to write meaningful characters who are real, raw, and riveting. I want people to feel every bit of the story. Will I always write sex? Probably not, but I cannot say where I am going with my writing. Right now, it's all stuck in my head. My head that is full of problems. I'm still taking care of my mother's estate. I'm getting a nuclear dye test for my thyroid this week. My church wants to "meet" with me. My husband says I'm embarrassing and he doesn't know how to tell people what I write. .... Well, guess what, most people now know exactly what I write. There aren't too many who don't know so you don't have to worry about telling them. And I haven't written anything significant since January 2016. I try, and things fall apart. I know I can't give up, but I so want to. I'm so tired. Fighting a war is tiring. Why do I keep going? Josh White. He's my friend who died because of hate.

I don't know what else to say. I'm just so tired.

~Wade

First Day of School

I've decided, because it is the first day of this new school year, that I should treat it like "New Years Day" and turn over a new leaf. I've had some crappy years lately. I'd say days, weeks, or months, but truly it has been years. Sadly. I remember a time in 2014 when I was happy. Like, REALLY HAPPY. Things were going my way. I was writing, I had publications coming out once a year, I was meeting people like J.P. Barnaby who would make me smile. AND, I was learning about my faith in church without any ridicule or judgment. Life was really good. Then, I trusted the wrong person and things went to hell. The church turned on me and made me question what the heck was happening. I realize I was disillusioned by what I thought the church should be. Is that the right word? My expectations were too high. I expected more from people than I should have and it came back to bite me in the ass.

The SAME thing occurred in 2015 with regard to my son. I think I had unrealistic expectations and expected too much. We adopted him and I thought it would be like having my other children (the ones who grew up with me.) It isn't. It's harder. It's more painful. Loving a child who has never had family, was not what I expected and I brought much of the pain on myself with my unrealistic expectations.

Writing can be seen in that same light in many ways. Writing is hard! I've had a couple, nine, books basically fall out of my head. JOCK 1 I wrote in like two months. Bankers' Hours was written in three. Even NAMES, which took fourteen months to write, felt like the story flowed out of my head as I wrote it. Now, after finishing JOCK 3 in January 2016, writing hasn't fallen out. It feels like a clogged funnel. I have SOOOO many ideas, yet they are crammed in the hole. Nothing gets from my brain, out my fingers anymore. I'm trying, really I am, and I think TODAY is the day to turn over a new leaf and make life happen.

If the stories won't flow out easily, I will PUSH them out until the words come easily again.

This first day of school signifies the beginning of ROUTINE! I am forced to get up at the butt-crack of day to get my kids off to school. I am awake, making lunches, and hugging much earlier than I have all summer. With the school routine, will come the writer routine! I need to blog regularly. Not once a day... unrealistic. Hopefully once a week, or a couple times a month. Newsletters should also come more regularly, once I have something to say writing-related. I NEED to write EVERY day! I may not be able to write thousands of words every day, but I should try to get into the habit of writing something! I did this in June and it had been going well, but life threw another curve ball and I stopped. TODAY I start again!

Current projects include: a rewrite of an earlier book, JOCK 4, JOCK 5, and a book I was trying to write as a Dreamspun Desire before I realized I can't NOT write angst. grrr. Somehow the angst creeps in and it derails me from the Dreamspun outline. Maybe one day! I have about fifteen books in my head. Fingers crossed they come OUT of my head in a timely fashion.

Thank you for hanging around and putting up with me and encouraging me. I've not had the best of years lately, but there are people who've had it worse. I shouldn't complain too much. I'm merely venting on my blog because I need to get it out. I'm seeing my therapist again next week. I had stopped in June because it seemed like we had run out of things to talk about. NOPE! I have a lot more. I briefed her when I saw her last week and she just can't believe how I've been treated. For the most part, I allowed things to happen, but there comes a time when you have to protect yourself. NOW is that time. I am protecting what is left of my heart and my sanity. Part of that is writing. Writing use to bring me such joy. I need to find that again.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Hugs,

Wade Kelly

Dear Stalker

Thank you for filling my life with fear, anxiety, and paranoia. Knowing SOMEONE is out there watching EVERY move I make is so comforting, you have no idea. I hope there is someone watching out for you in the very same manner. It's a feeling I can not describe.

I realize my life is pretty much out there for everyone to see. I'm an online personality. I'm an author. I'm a "celebrity" in my own right, and as such I should be expected to handle those out there who watch every move I make whether it is online, in person, about my family, about my writing, about my beliefs, etc. I SHOULD be able to handle the scrutiny and ridicule.

But then again, why SHOULD I? Because you think so? Try it yourself. Tell me who you are that you are so much better than me, that you can watch my moves and report them to others and think yourself so much more righteous and pious because at least your sins are not as bad as mine? I don't name names, but maybe I should? Judy? Drew? Bruce? Shirley? Angela? Who the fuck are you and what gives you the right to treat me in this manner? Just because the church board has seen it as their job to chastise me and sentence me doesn't mean I have rolled over and willingly given them permission to ruin my life. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! Telling me you miss me know is too little too late. Telling me I had years to change is true. But I don't see the need when you've had YEARS TO CHANGE AS WELL. The church hasn't changed its stand. And I haven't changed my mind on why I write. I stand for gay rights. That will not change. I heard when you said it's about the sex. Okay. I also said I was willing to work with that because it was never my intention to write sex. I write stories and sex happens sometimes. The thing is, you wanted me to roll over and beg forgivness for writing the things I have. I won't. They weren't my stories. I believe they came from God because they needed to be told. They were other peoples' stories. Sex and all. They came out of no where and touched others deeper than I could have imagined. I can't write stories like that apart from God. I had purpose. Then my heart was shattered.

Every time I turn around, SOMEONE IS THERE WATCHING ME!  I chose a penname for a reason. Don't all authors? It's because it keeps my real life and my writing life separate because sometimes there are fans out there, Like some for JK Rowling as an example, who can become a little phsyco--go all "Misery" on the poor unsuspecting author. I don't have that. I have fans who want to hold me and protect me from the very people I trusted and let in. I exposed my heart and everything I had and instead of caring for my heart, those people I trusted ripped me to shreds.

My penname is Wade Kelly because I liked a show called Sliders in the 90's. Wade Wells was the female lead. A girl in second grade was named Kelly Dodd and I ALWAYS liked her name. Hence, Wade Kelly. I then trusted some of my fans and fellow writers with my real name. Kade Boehme was among the first. Why? Because I love Kade and I knew he'ed love me back and protect my heart.

I've been hurt more by the church than by any other people in the world, and they just don't stop. They stalk me. Dear Stalker, do you have any idea how that feels? I wrote a fucking book! (Or maybe a few) and no one leaves me alone because of it. It's this how it feels to be one of the marginalized? This has to be how it feels to be gay and hated by the church. (And I in no way mean to belittle the LGBTQ people. I'm writing to my stalkers.) I'm being crushed in spirit, the same way fists break bone when someone corners you in an alley. I have no way out because the silent stalkers can watch from their hiding place and I don't see them.

My name is Gina Adams. I live in Westminster and that's why most of my books are set here. Westminster is what I know. I don't hide or purpose. I chose a penname because I thought that's what people did. Some authors in my genre (Men and women) do because their writing is seen as an abomination to others. They want to protect themselves. I know this well. Why is it so wrong to try and protect yourself and your identity? I tried, but I trusted the wrong people and now I suffer the consequences. I'm watched all the time from faceless zealots.

I know who I am. I know how God views me. My beliefs are MINE. I believe Jesus died for my sins. Isn't that the whole point of the bible?

Another part references "shaking off the sand from your sandals." Please do that. Throw your stones. Get it over with and move on.

I don't know what else to say. Leave me alone. Let me take refuge with people who want to protect me the same way I would for them. Maybe you think you're being a good friend, but not if you are crushing my soul. I'll have nothing left.

Dear stalker, be careful what you do to another person's soul. Is pushing me to insanity worth it? Is that what Jesus would do?

Thanks for my heartache. I wonder how you treat the other people in your life?

~Wade / Gina

Moving Forward

Moving forward is typically easier said than done. I have a difficult time training my brain not to DWELL on the negative. I WANT to be positive, I WANT to be joyful and happy, but something inside clicks over to the cynical setting and I just see the glass half-empty. A couple years ago I remember a time when I was happy and joyful all the time. A fellow author called me Sunshine. I think she still calls me Sunshine, but I feel less sunshiney than I used to. My glow is dulled by life-crap. People like to drag you down, I think. When someone is sunshiney it is easy to get jealous or resentful and then others seek to steal your joy because it is easier to make YOU, or me, less shiney than for them to pull themselves out of the mire. Does this make sense?

I used to be so joyful. Where did that go? Well, I could probably point to the previous blog (http://writerwadekelly.blogspot.com/2017/08/what-ive-been-up-to-for-two-years.html ) and say that is the reason, but I am partially to blame. I LET or ALLOWED people to steal my joy. They wore me down and I gave in to some extent. No, I haven't rolled over, but I am also not as strong as I once was, nor am I as happy. I'm tired. That's really it in a nutshell. I'm just tried. I'm tired of being "watched," I'm tired of people riduculing me for writing some sexual cantent into my books, I'm tired of being treated like a pariah when I'm around "church folks." What I've learned is that some (not all) people I know in the church are actually less loving than those I've met outside the church. It's not supposed to be like that. The church is not supposed to eat itsown and crush the spirit of its members. I feel crushed. And yes, this is partically my fault because I believe people to be good. I believe people are my friends and I trust openly and this allows others to come in and crush my trusting heart. I understand if you disagree with me, and believe what I write is wrong and "sinful," people are intitled to thier opinions. But at some point, you need to back off and let me live my life. YOU are are NOT living it for me! You are not standing next to me day in and day out to tell me what I am allowed to do, or not do, according to your interpretation of the Bible. And I do say YOU INTERPRETATION because not every church preaches the same thing. Not every church sees things the way another church does. NOT every church sees Jesus or Christianoty the same way. And yes, I'm talking to the "watchers" of me, as well as thought-vomiting on my blog. Because this IS MY BLOG. I am allowed to write what I want, and people do read it. (Inlcuding those I wish wouldn't.) I am a person with my own mind and my own thoughts, who is beaten down. You have won the battle, I choose to no longer attend your church. There are people I will miss, some I will deeply miss seeing every week, but I can not subject myself to the hatefulness I get from the select few.

So how do I move on? It's not going to be easy. There is now a split between my husband and I. There has been an uncomfortable rift for a long time, but now it is very obvious. He goes to church, and I do not. This my girls see. The older one wanted to go to church to see her friends so my husband took her, but my younger one didn't want to go. She's home with me. Friends are very important and I know my older girl really misses hers when she doesn;t get ot see them. I will probably visit Taryn's church (my author friend) at some point, but for now I am taking a break. I need to find ME again. My spirit has been beated down and I just need some silence.

I'm reading a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It was actually lent to me by my tattoo artist, LOL. It's very fascinating and speaks about changing the way you think and the Law of Attraction. I need to finish it! I need to learn how to retrain the way I think. I need to find possitivity and joy again!

On the writing side, I haven't made much headway. I HOPE TO! I have loads of ideas and maybe once the muse gets moving I'll have many manuscript to submit. Fingers crossed. Will they be loaded with sex??? Probably not. Mine weren't loaded with sex before. I don't write erotica. But, for those who watch every little tidbit I write, there will be sexual content. When that will stop depends on the storiess and the characters. I write as I am inspired. The stories are character driven. If you don't understand this, it is because you are not an author! I believe and stand by the belief that I am inspired by God. WAY too many readers have told me "I wrote their story." I believe I am writing things that need to be said because someone out there is hurting and needs healing or closure. The sexual content is not the story, but in some ways it brings authenticity and realability to the readers. The sex is NOT the point of the story and may go away. My intent was not to write SEX. My intent was to write real stories. But I am NOT going to change what I write or how I write because a group of men sat down and wrote out a list of the things I am not allowed to do. NOPE. I will change only if moved to by God HIMSELF. As I believe I am inspired BY GOD, thent he stories are shaped BY GOD for the audience I write to. The church folks are not my audience, but boy they, might learn a thing or two if they just stopped JUDGING for a second.

I have many stories going through my head at the moment. JOCK 4, a Dreamspun Desire, one other story, and a re-write I'm working on. My issue is that these will not flow into a complete story. There are fragments, and the fragmants don't  go anywhere. With JOCK 4, I am convinced the story didn't get written because I am not done living the things Rob McAvoy needs to go through. I really feel like he's me in many ways and lord help the readers once his story gets completed. JOCK 4 will have angst. It is not the #2 rating on the Angst Scale that JOCK 1 is!!! Maybe a #5. I'm also incorporating bits of JOCK 5 into it so they flow, but I want to bring JOCK 5 back down to a 2 or 3. I need some happiness to end the series on.

Bankers' Hours is still not in AUDIO. I'm sorry, but I don't know what's going on with that. It was recorded LAST year. I think it's really good and I want to share it, but I'ver heard nothing. Sorry.

Anyway.... I'm trying to pick myself back up and take a few steps forward. Keep your fingers crossed for me to keep moving forward. I will write again! I will find my joy again!

Thank you all for your love and support. You have no idea how much it means to me!

If you want to follow my via my newsletter, click HERE! My am trying to keep my newsletter more about my publications and my blog more personal.

Love and Hugs,

Wade

What I’ve Been Up To… For Two Years

Hey. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Heck, it’s been a long time since I blogged, posted, tweeted, newslettered, or bloody wrote something significant. I’ve had a lot going on in the past couple years and sometimes I talk about it, but most times I don’t.

Reason one: I don’t want to seem like a whiner. Everyone has issues, and problems and I don’t normally advertise mine because I’m not out to seek sympathy for every little thing. Sometimes I say something just so you know I’m alive and that I still want to write more books. I haven’t given up completely.

Reason two: I’m being watched. Although that sounds silly in some ways, it does affect me. I am an author and therefore I’m an online personality for the most part. My picture is online, I appear in person to book related events, I am who I say I am, and the author part isn’t my issue. It’s the people in my RL (real life) who have issues with what I write.

Reason three: I don’t like to cause waves. I’m a non-confrontational person for the most part. I don’t like stirring up trouble. It is not and never was my intent to cause problems. What I want is to write stories that take what I see and experience in real life and translate them into stories people/readers can relate to. This, I think I have done.

Those reasons stated I have to say it hasn’t helped much. Things remain the same whether or not I talk about them. And again, I’m not posting a blog because I want your sympathy or condolences, or even anger; I’m posting because maybe you will understand where I’m coming from and be patient with me as I work through my crap on the way to writing another book. I haven’t given up; I’m on pause. (Like in the middle of a movie.)

Back to reason one, I want to say I am not whining. I’m just stating the events of my life as things that have happened which effect my writing process and my emotional state.

In 2015 I had a fight with my son and he left. That is the short version. Since July 2015 there has not been a moment of reconciliation or even discussion about his feelings and what he thinks or wants. He doesn’t talk to us. This has been very difficult for me. Some may know we adopted him in 2010. This was a difficult process and very costly, but we loved him and made him a part of the family. It took time for my daughters to adjust to having a brother. He was older, which displaced my oldest, and he was “newer” which displaced the baby of the family. Then… only a couple of years later they’ve had to readjust to NOT having a brother because he doesn’t interact with the family. It’s been hard.

This emotional “trauma” is what my endocrinologist thinks could have triggered my thyroid issues. Thyroid is affected by emotions. YAY me!

I also had another incident with my church involving my writing and the board requested some “meetings” to discuss what I was writing. Some of these meetings were in 2014 into 2015, but picked back up again in 2016 into 2017. This is another whole thing.

In 2016 my mother was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema from smoking for 50+ years. She smoked a lot! So my brother and I took her to the doctor and stuff. Meanwhile, my son isn’t talking to anyone, and stopped talking to my mother in January 2016. In all of 2016 I didn’t write anything. I’ve been scattered. Too much going on and I couldn’t think about what to write. I’m working on JOCK 4 but nothing is flowing, etc. In August I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid which accounted for my weak legs, shaking hands, and anxiety and depression. I was put on Methimezole and Lexapro. In the fall of 2016, the church board thought I needed to have a discussion about what I wrote because “didn’t you just release a book in August?” – Funny. Yes I did. Back Off! That’s My Jock came out in August 2016. As I said, people are watching me and because everything I do is basically online, they knew that. So we “sit down” and have a chat, the long and short of it was “writing sex isn’t acceptable.” Don’t go off. This is how it is in some churches if you’ve been to any reformed Presbyterian churches. I know this. I chose to go there. I chose to write sex in my books. I allowed the “meetings” to go on many occasions.

In November 2016 I had a panic attack. My first one even, and landed in the hospital over night because I thought I was dying. I wasn’t. My heart in fact was in great shape! YAY. But the anxiety and depression were not being helped by the scrutiny of my church.

In January 2017 my mother was given 6 months to live. A week later, I was to meet with the church and be “sentenced” according to the grievances they formally listed in a letter to me. I’ve got enough shit to deal with in my life. I went along, I pleaded guilty, and was sentenced. I was not excommunicated, which was actually a surprise.

Yes, I have written sexual content in my books. They are romance with sexually explicate content. No, this was not the intent of my life to write sex in and all the time. This may change. I told them that. I was willing to work with their desire for me NOT to write sexual content, but that wasn’t good enough. I had to feel bad and repent of writing it at all. I had to feel sorry for doing it. I’m not. I am proud of my writing. I love my stories. Yeah, there is sex but sex happens in relationships and I write characters as close as I can to real people. I want to be real and relatable. So yeah, I wrote sex. This didn’t sit well.

In March, my husband tried to tell my son he needed to reach out to his grandmother before she passed. There was no communication between them. In April, my son joined the Air Force. He said he’d contact my husband with details of where he could be reached, and as of now (Aug 4) we haven’t heard from him.

In June (ish), I was approached again by the “board” of elders and asked, “Have you changed yet?” Um, no…. when was this ever an effective method of intervention? I’ve been dealing with life crap, and now asked again if I have changed. No. I haven’t. I’m the same cynical person I was before. Actually, I’m probably more bitter than before.

In July. My mother died. I listened to her drown in her own fluid. I smelled the scent of death I hope never to experience again.

I’m posting because I freaking tired of people “watching” me and passing judgment on my life. As they say, you have NO IDEA what a person is going through. As far as I know, in my experience with church order and structure etc, church discipline is supposed to be delivered in love. What I feel, isn’t love. I feel ridiculed, cornered, and attacked. You may not intend that, but that’s what comes across. (Church!) I have tried to express my concern for your lack of compassion. No one hears me. When have you asked how my mother was doing after I announced in January that she was dying? When have you asked how my son was doing? (Aside from one person in two years.)

Let me say this… In October 2016 I went to dinner during GRL with Steve Leonard. I don’t know Steve well, but while we were waiting for a table for like 8 people, we chatted. Do you know the first thing he asked? Steve asked, “How are things with your son?” Why did he ask that? He barely knows me. It’s because he pays attention and knows that the incident with my son was the most painful thing I’ve gone through in my life. He cared enough to pay attention. I get it, that the church “board” can’t know everything because they rely on Small Groups to get to know church members more deeply, but if a casual friend, whom I see once a year, knows my heart more deeply than a “board member,” then they don’t know and love me well enough to pass judgment.

Not one person from this church board showed up at my mother’s viewing or funeral. I’ve been going to that church for 7 years. I’m there almost every week. (Except recently). My boss, whom I’ve known for 5 months, showed up at the viewing because he cared enough about me to make the time. Friends whom I haven’t seen in years took off work to make time to spend 15 minutes with me at a viewing because they cared enough to do so. What kind of message do you think this sends about the church to ME. You lack compassion and caring. I get it, I wrote sex and I am not repenting of such and so I’m under “discipline,” but now I feel as though I don’t measure up to your standards and therefore don’t matter in the long run. This, is very sad.

I do not mean to be an embarrassment to my husband, family, or church, but I DO take this very personally. There are people who have come out of the woodwork to pay respects, and yet my church “family” hasn’t. NOTE: I do not count the people who have reached out! I know who you are. I am speaking directly to the board who has let me down. Those who feel they can pass judgment over me and yet not spend 5 minutes consoling my family. You’ve lost my respect. I am no longer attending that church. If I visit, it is because I DO have friends there that I will miss.

This is all ONLINE, as everything else in my life is online. If you don’t care to know me, then defriend me. I’m a very transparent person. I talk. It’s what I do. And I’ve held in the details of my life far too long. I tried to be respectful of the church, but I no longer feel like my life matters to you. I’m not clean enough—this is the message you sent me.

“I’ve brought my damned best, and it’s not good enough.” – (paraphrased. Damien Mitchell)

On the writing side of things, I'm trying. Words are not flowing well as I've been dealing with emotional crap. I hope to write and finish a book this year. Fingers crossed.

My parents