What I’ve Been Up To… For Two Years

Hey. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Heck, it’s been a long time since I blogged, posted, tweeted, newslettered, or bloody wrote something significant. I’ve had a lot going on in the past couple years and sometimes I talk about it, but most times I don’t.

Reason one: I don’t want to seem like a whiner. Everyone has issues, and problems and I don’t normally advertise mine because I’m not out to seek sympathy for every little thing. Sometimes I say something just so you know I’m alive and that I still want to write more books. I haven’t given up completely.

Reason two: I’m being watched. Although that sounds silly in some ways, it does affect me. I am an author and therefore I’m an online personality for the most part. My picture is online, I appear in person to book related events, I am who I say I am, and the author part isn’t my issue. It’s the people in my RL (real life) who have issues with what I write.

Reason three: I don’t like to cause waves. I’m a non-confrontational person for the most part. I don’t like stirring up trouble. It is not and never was my intent to cause problems. What I want is to write stories that take what I see and experience in real life and translate them into stories people/readers can relate to. This, I think I have done.

Those reasons stated I have to say it hasn’t helped much. Things remain the same whether or not I talk about them. And again, I’m not posting a blog because I want your sympathy or condolences, or even anger; I’m posting because maybe you will understand where I’m coming from and be patient with me as I work through my crap on the way to writing another book. I haven’t given up; I’m on pause. (Like in the middle of a movie.)

Back to reason one, I want to say I am not whining. I’m just stating the events of my life as things that have happened which effect my writing process and my emotional state.

In 2015 I had a fight with my son and he left. That is the short version. Since July 2015 there has not been a moment of reconciliation or even discussion about his feelings and what he thinks or wants. He doesn’t talk to us. This has been very difficult for me. Some may know we adopted him in 2010. This was a difficult process and very costly, but we loved him and made him a part of the family. It took time for my daughters to adjust to having a brother. He was older, which displaced my oldest, and he was “newer” which displaced the baby of the family. Then… only a couple of years later they’ve had to readjust to NOT having a brother because he doesn’t interact with the family. It’s been hard.

This emotional “trauma” is what my endocrinologist thinks could have triggered my thyroid issues. Thyroid is affected by emotions. YAY me!

I also had another incident with my church involving my writing and the board requested some “meetings” to discuss what I was writing. Some of these meetings were in 2014 into 2015, but picked back up again in 2016 into 2017. This is another whole thing.

In 2016 my mother was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema from smoking for 50+ years. She smoked a lot! So my brother and I took her to the doctor and stuff. Meanwhile, my son isn’t talking to anyone, and stopped talking to my mother in January 2016. In all of 2016 I didn’t write anything. I’ve been scattered. Too much going on and I couldn’t think about what to write. I’m working on JOCK 4 but nothing is flowing, etc. In August I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid which accounted for my weak legs, shaking hands, and anxiety and depression. I was put on Methimezole and Lexapro. In the fall of 2016, the church board thought I needed to have a discussion about what I wrote because “didn’t you just release a book in August?” – Funny. Yes I did. Back Off! That’s My Jock came out in August 2016. As I said, people are watching me and because everything I do is basically online, they knew that. So we “sit down” and have a chat, the long and short of it was “writing sex isn’t acceptable.” Don’t go off. This is how it is in some churches if you’ve been to any reformed Presbyterian churches. I know this. I chose to go there. I chose to write sex in my books. I allowed the “meetings” to go on many occasions.

In November 2016 I had a panic attack. My first one even, and landed in the hospital over night because I thought I was dying. I wasn’t. My heart in fact was in great shape! YAY. But the anxiety and depression were not being helped by the scrutiny of my church.

In January 2017 my mother was given 6 months to live. A week later, I was to meet with the church and be “sentenced” according to the grievances they formally listed in a letter to me. I’ve got enough shit to deal with in my life. I went along, I pleaded guilty, and was sentenced. I was not excommunicated, which was actually a surprise.

Yes, I have written sexual content in my books. They are romance with sexually explicate content. No, this was not the intent of my life to write sex in and all the time. This may change. I told them that. I was willing to work with their desire for me NOT to write sexual content, but that wasn’t good enough. I had to feel bad and repent of writing it at all. I had to feel sorry for doing it. I’m not. I am proud of my writing. I love my stories. Yeah, there is sex but sex happens in relationships and I write characters as close as I can to real people. I want to be real and relatable. So yeah, I wrote sex. This didn’t sit well.

In March, my husband tried to tell my son he needed to reach out to his grandmother before she passed. There was no communication between them. In April, my son joined the Air Force. He said he’d contact my husband with details of where he could be reached, and as of now (Aug 4) we haven’t heard from him.

In June (ish), I was approached again by the “board” of elders and asked, “Have you changed yet?” Um, no…. when was this ever an effective method of intervention? I’ve been dealing with life crap, and now asked again if I have changed. No. I haven’t. I’m the same cynical person I was before. Actually, I’m probably more bitter than before.

In July. My mother died. I listened to her drown in her own fluid. I smelled the scent of death I hope never to experience again.

I’m posting because I freaking tired of people “watching” me and passing judgment on my life. As they say, you have NO IDEA what a person is going through. As far as I know, in my experience with church order and structure etc, church discipline is supposed to be delivered in love. What I feel, isn’t love. I feel ridiculed, cornered, and attacked. You may not intend that, but that’s what comes across. (Church!) I have tried to express my concern for your lack of compassion. No one hears me. When have you asked how my mother was doing after I announced in January that she was dying? When have you asked how my son was doing? (Aside from one person in two years.)

Let me say this… In October 2016 I went to dinner during GRL with Steve Leonard. I don’t know Steve well, but while we were waiting for a table for like 8 people, we chatted. Do you know the first thing he asked? Steve asked, “How are things with your son?” Why did he ask that? He barely knows me. It’s because he pays attention and knows that the incident with my son was the most painful thing I’ve gone through in my life. He cared enough to pay attention. I get it, that the church “board” can’t know everything because they rely on Small Groups to get to know church members more deeply, but if a casual friend, whom I see once a year, knows my heart more deeply than a “board member,” then they don’t know and love me well enough to pass judgment.

Not one person from this church board showed up at my mother’s viewing or funeral. I’ve been going to that church for 7 years. I’m there almost every week. (Except recently). My boss, whom I’ve known for 5 months, showed up at the viewing because he cared enough about me to make the time. Friends whom I haven’t seen in years took off work to make time to spend 15 minutes with me at a viewing because they cared enough to do so. What kind of message do you think this sends about the church to ME. You lack compassion and caring. I get it, I wrote sex and I am not repenting of such and so I’m under “discipline,” but now I feel as though I don’t measure up to your standards and therefore don’t matter in the long run. This, is very sad.

I do not mean to be an embarrassment to my husband, family, or church, but I DO take this very personally. There are people who have come out of the woodwork to pay respects, and yet my church “family” hasn’t. NOTE: I do not count the people who have reached out! I know who you are. I am speaking directly to the board who has let me down. Those who feel they can pass judgment over me and yet not spend 5 minutes consoling my family. You’ve lost my respect. I am no longer attending that church. If I visit, it is because I DO have friends there that I will miss.

This is all ONLINE, as everything else in my life is online. If you don’t care to know me, then defriend me. I’m a very transparent person. I talk. It’s what I do. And I’ve held in the details of my life far too long. I tried to be respectful of the church, but I no longer feel like my life matters to you. I’m not clean enough—this is the message you sent me.

“I’ve brought my damned best, and it’s not good enough.” – (paraphrased. Damien Mitchell)

On the writing side of things, I'm trying. Words are not flowing well as I've been dealing with emotional crap. I hope to write and finish a book this year. Fingers crossed.

My parents 

Where I was, where I am, where I'm going.

I know it sounds like a broken record when I keep talking about the same things. I don't mean to, but it is what it is and this is where my life and choices have led me. When I started writing in 2006 I had no idea where my writing would lead. I sat down and wrote, and for the first time I had a complete story. (a sci-fi trilogy) That changed over time after joining Authonomy in 2008. In 2009 I wrote a paranormal, gay, romance and it was PUBLISHED in 2010. And then things happened in 2010…. I see it as a good thing now. I do. It was NOT fun to go through, but had I not experienced what I did, then When Love Is Not Enough would not have been written. That story, one which includes suicide within the story of a gay romance, has touched so many people. Probably not hundreds, definitely not thousands, but some. I think those people are worth the pain I went through. Books MEAN SOMETHING to readers when the readers connect on a deep level and relate to the characters. If I helped someone work through personal pain because they could see themselves AS my character (which happened because many people have said that and continue to), then I think my book is successful. I will not get rich in a monetary means writing about suicide. I WILL NOT. But I succeeded in string the emotions of many people and caused them to think. That is one of my goals as a writer: I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK!

And then I moved on… I wrote about church persecution in The Cost of Loving, hate crimes in My Roommate's A Jock? Well, Crap!, and labeling, bullying and name-calling in Names Can Never Hurt Me. And in Misplaced Affection I talk about child abuse and grief. I want to STIR the reader's thoughts to consider the way we live and the things we say and do. I cannot change people, just as no one can CHANGE me. But if I present material that makes a person pause and consider their actions, or the actions of others thrust upon them, or their choices, or how they feel about circumstances out of their control etc., then I think that is a WIN for me. I want my words to matter.

So my thoughts for those who disagree with my content is to PRAY FOR MY WORDS. I have always asked that. By demanding I CHANGE, you do get any anywhere. You are a sounding gong. Get to know me. See my heart. Become involved with WHY I write what I do. If you continue to disagree then we can discuss it. Sex in literature is currently on the table by MANY groups, including romance groups. IS IT NECESSARY OR NOT? Romance novels drive the industry. Without ROMANCE NOVELS, books sales would die. I forget the statistic I learned in a seminar, like 60% or something crazy! WHY? Because the audience or "target group" of middle-aged women in general is the largest group of people who suck in books and drive the market. (don't quote me, but I think I'm close to what the guy from Smashwords said.) Most romance novels contain sexual content. Some more than others. In publishing, you have to have a "target" audience in mind. For YEARS that is why a genre-crossing novel could not be published. Until maybe 5 years ago, I think, to query agents with a novel that CROSSED genres was basically futile. Traditional publishers don't like CROSSING genres because they don't know how to market it. If you can't market something, you can't sell it. NOW, there are indie publishers that snatch them up. Horror-Romance? Sci-fi/mystery, GAY/romance, paranormal romance, etc… mix them up. Readers are finding what they like because the choices are broader.
I wrote gay, paranormal romance in 2009 because I had a specific audience (person) in mind. He knows who he is. I didn't really plan it ahead, it fell together and BAM! was good enough to get published! Publishing is NOT an easy thing for those who don't know.

So, I'm published and then all hell breaks loose in 2010 and I get depressed etc… I turn to WHY and what this was all over. I wrote GAY characters. How dare I? Um, because I had a gay friend. I wrote something HE could relate to. I was writing for the specific audience. That is what an author does. But after all the hoopla over it being because I wrote a GAY character, and after EVERYONE I knew stopped talking to me, I thought about it. I thought about how harsh people are with homosexuals to the point of some thinking "God hates Gays!" (the Westboro Baptist mantra) Why wouldn't they? (I thought) I wasn't even gay and people LEFT a restaurant after I walked in. People stopped talking to me, and they shook their heads in pity, over what? A book? I am not even gay and this is how I was treated. So I wrote about suicide. Not because I felt suicidal, but because the story God gave me (yes, I believe my stories come from God) was one of pain and condemnation over sexuality to the point of the character taking his own life. He realized his mother would NEVER love him for who he was and ended it. Ironically, in 2010 after this book was basically complete and submitted, 7 people killed themselves around the country over being bullied for sexuality in school. YOUNG PEOPLE! I saw this as a sign. I do. I still do. Every time I question whether or not I should continue writing gay romance stories, something else tragic hits the news.

My target audience is made up partially by gay men. Gay young men. Teens and younger 20 somethings suck up books just as much as middle aged women. Now that there are GAY romances out there, this younger generation is finding characters they can relate to. Some stories provide hope that life can be better than being confined to a basement because your parents see you as an embarrassment. Life can get better than your parents throwing you out at the age of 15 because you came out as LGBT. These are basically "throw away kids" because many are "religious" families who can't bear having a gay member so it is easier to throw them out. What teen is capable of living on the street, I ask you? NONE!

Like it or not, they also end up having sex or selling themselves in to prostitution because they have nothing else. Writing SAFE SEX could help someone pause and think about their actions. Maybe. Writing a character that is raped after a random internet hook-up MAY make someone think, oh, I never thought about that before. Maybe I shouldn't go. Heck, even women I know where warned about dating a boy they'd just met because they could rape them. Kids don't' think about that! Writing real life situations makes readers aware!

Will I always write sex? Probably not. Will I always write gay romance? probably not. Why do I say that? Because my mind and creativity is driven by my characters. I can not believe that I am so limited as to never write anything else. I have a VAST imagination. In time, I can see all kinds of characters and worlds coming out! I have HUGE dreams and MANY ideas of what I can write. One story at a time. One theme at a time!

I believe that God is sovereign over everything. I believe I have something to say that is important to the people who read my stories and that is why God has allowed me the privilege of writing and publishing them. When God's direction changes, my stories will change. Until then, I will write what I think is meaningful to the world I live in NOW.

My stories reflect the world as I see it, and as I live it. These are MY thoughts and my experiences. I do not hear someone else's story and write it. That is their story to tell. I tell my own.

That said….. Some know, some don't…. I was asked to stop teaching youth because of the content of my stories. What I see as literary device is not seen the same by the leadership of the church. Not teaching youth is very sad. But, I am at peace with it. I see it as a business decision. Any church would probably have to "cover their butt" in case someone found out I wrote gay romance novels and then blamed me for why their son was gay. (Because I MAKE people gay. -That's a joke.) These kids will be fine. They have other's to teach them. I am still friends with them and it is not like I have disappeared off the face of the Earth. I am still there for them. But I am also there for people like Sam, who didn't have a Christmas tree until he was 19 yrs old. Or had his first Thanksgiving Dinner with a loving group of friends at 18, because his family was not so nice. My heart goes out to people like that. The kids I know have wonderful families. The kids that are out there, in the world around me, have not so nice experiences. I want to write for and encourage THEM! These "throw away kids" are the ones who need to see there is HOPE in the world when all they experience might tell them the opposite.

And to the others in my "target audience", they also need to think sometimes too. Older men and women shape the lives of these younger folks. Help them! Encourage them! Guide them! Don't throw them out because you can't "deal with a gay member of the family"! These are people! People need love and there is a short supply out there sometimes.

So yeah, pray for my words, because I want to change the world!