Dear Stalker

Thank you for filling my life with fear, anxiety, and paranoia. Knowing SOMEONE is out there watching EVERY move I make is so comforting, you have no idea. I hope there is someone watching out for you in the very same manner. It's a feeling I can not describe.

I realize my life is pretty much out there for everyone to see. I'm an online personality. I'm an author. I'm a "celebrity" in my own right, and as such I should be expected to handle those out there who watch every move I make whether it is online, in person, about my family, about my writing, about my beliefs, etc. I SHOULD be able to handle the scrutiny and ridicule.

But then again, why SHOULD I? Because you think so? Try it yourself. Tell me who you are that you are so much better than me, that you can watch my moves and report them to others and think yourself so much more righteous and pious because at least your sins are not as bad as mine? I don't name names, but maybe I should? Judy? Drew? Bruce? Shirley? Angela? Who the fuck are you and what gives you the right to treat me in this manner? Just because the church board has seen it as their job to chastise me and sentence me doesn't mean I have rolled over and willingly given them permission to ruin my life. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! Telling me you miss me know is too little too late. Telling me I had years to change is true. But I don't see the need when you've had YEARS TO CHANGE AS WELL. The church hasn't changed its stand. And I haven't changed my mind on why I write. I stand for gay rights. That will not change. I heard when you said it's about the sex. Okay. I also said I was willing to work with that because it was never my intention to write sex. I write stories and sex happens sometimes. The thing is, you wanted me to roll over and beg forgivness for writing the things I have. I won't. They weren't my stories. I believe they came from God because they needed to be told. They were other peoples' stories. Sex and all. They came out of no where and touched others deeper than I could have imagined. I can't write stories like that apart from God. I had purpose. Then my heart was shattered.

Every time I turn around, SOMEONE IS THERE WATCHING ME!  I chose a penname for a reason. Don't all authors? It's because it keeps my real life and my writing life separate because sometimes there are fans out there, Like some for JK Rowling as an example, who can become a little phsyco--go all "Misery" on the poor unsuspecting author. I don't have that. I have fans who want to hold me and protect me from the very people I trusted and let in. I exposed my heart and everything I had and instead of caring for my heart, those people I trusted ripped me to shreds.

My penname is Wade Kelly because I liked a show called Sliders in the 90's. Wade Wells was the female lead. A girl in second grade was named Kelly Dodd and I ALWAYS liked her name. Hence, Wade Kelly. I then trusted some of my fans and fellow writers with my real name. Kade Boehme was among the first. Why? Because I love Kade and I knew he'ed love me back and protect my heart.

I've been hurt more by the church than by any other people in the world, and they just don't stop. They stalk me. Dear Stalker, do you have any idea how that feels? I wrote a fucking book! (Or maybe a few) and no one leaves me alone because of it. It's this how it feels to be one of the marginalized? This has to be how it feels to be gay and hated by the church. (And I in no way mean to belittle the LGBTQ people. I'm writing to my stalkers.) I'm being crushed in spirit, the same way fists break bone when someone corners you in an alley. I have no way out because the silent stalkers can watch from their hiding place and I don't see them.

My name is Gina Adams. I live in Westminster and that's why most of my books are set here. Westminster is what I know. I don't hide or purpose. I chose a penname because I thought that's what people did. Some authors in my genre (Men and women) do because their writing is seen as an abomination to others. They want to protect themselves. I know this well. Why is it so wrong to try and protect yourself and your identity? I tried, but I trusted the wrong people and now I suffer the consequences. I'm watched all the time from faceless zealots.

I know who I am. I know how God views me. My beliefs are MINE. I believe Jesus died for my sins. Isn't that the whole point of the bible?

Another part references "shaking off the sand from your sandals." Please do that. Throw your stones. Get it over with and move on.

I don't know what else to say. Leave me alone. Let me take refuge with people who want to protect me the same way I would for them. Maybe you think you're being a good friend, but not if you are crushing my soul. I'll have nothing left.

Dear stalker, be careful what you do to another person's soul. Is pushing me to insanity worth it? Is that what Jesus would do?

Thanks for my heartache. I wonder how you treat the other people in your life?

~Wade / Gina

What I’ve Been Up To… For Two Years

Hey. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Heck, it’s been a long time since I blogged, posted, tweeted, newslettered, or bloody wrote something significant. I’ve had a lot going on in the past couple years and sometimes I talk about it, but most times I don’t.

Reason one: I don’t want to seem like a whiner. Everyone has issues, and problems and I don’t normally advertise mine because I’m not out to seek sympathy for every little thing. Sometimes I say something just so you know I’m alive and that I still want to write more books. I haven’t given up completely.

Reason two: I’m being watched. Although that sounds silly in some ways, it does affect me. I am an author and therefore I’m an online personality for the most part. My picture is online, I appear in person to book related events, I am who I say I am, and the author part isn’t my issue. It’s the people in my RL (real life) who have issues with what I write.

Reason three: I don’t like to cause waves. I’m a non-confrontational person for the most part. I don’t like stirring up trouble. It is not and never was my intent to cause problems. What I want is to write stories that take what I see and experience in real life and translate them into stories people/readers can relate to. This, I think I have done.

Those reasons stated I have to say it hasn’t helped much. Things remain the same whether or not I talk about them. And again, I’m not posting a blog because I want your sympathy or condolences, or even anger; I’m posting because maybe you will understand where I’m coming from and be patient with me as I work through my crap on the way to writing another book. I haven’t given up; I’m on pause. (Like in the middle of a movie.)

Back to reason one, I want to say I am not whining. I’m just stating the events of my life as things that have happened which effect my writing process and my emotional state.

In 2015 I had a fight with my son and he left. That is the short version. Since July 2015 there has not been a moment of reconciliation or even discussion about his feelings and what he thinks or wants. He doesn’t talk to us. This has been very difficult for me. Some may know we adopted him in 2010. This was a difficult process and very costly, but we loved him and made him a part of the family. It took time for my daughters to adjust to having a brother. He was older, which displaced my oldest, and he was “newer” which displaced the baby of the family. Then… only a couple of years later they’ve had to readjust to NOT having a brother because he doesn’t interact with the family. It’s been hard.

This emotional “trauma” is what my endocrinologist thinks could have triggered my thyroid issues. Thyroid is affected by emotions. YAY me!

I also had another incident with my church involving my writing and the board requested some “meetings” to discuss what I was writing. Some of these meetings were in 2014 into 2015, but picked back up again in 2016 into 2017. This is another whole thing.

In 2016 my mother was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema from smoking for 50+ years. She smoked a lot! So my brother and I took her to the doctor and stuff. Meanwhile, my son isn’t talking to anyone, and stopped talking to my mother in January 2016. In all of 2016 I didn’t write anything. I’ve been scattered. Too much going on and I couldn’t think about what to write. I’m working on JOCK 4 but nothing is flowing, etc. In August I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid which accounted for my weak legs, shaking hands, and anxiety and depression. I was put on Methimezole and Lexapro. In the fall of 2016, the church board thought I needed to have a discussion about what I wrote because “didn’t you just release a book in August?” – Funny. Yes I did. Back Off! That’s My Jock came out in August 2016. As I said, people are watching me and because everything I do is basically online, they knew that. So we “sit down” and have a chat, the long and short of it was “writing sex isn’t acceptable.” Don’t go off. This is how it is in some churches if you’ve been to any reformed Presbyterian churches. I know this. I chose to go there. I chose to write sex in my books. I allowed the “meetings” to go on many occasions.

In November 2016 I had a panic attack. My first one even, and landed in the hospital over night because I thought I was dying. I wasn’t. My heart in fact was in great shape! YAY. But the anxiety and depression were not being helped by the scrutiny of my church.

In January 2017 my mother was given 6 months to live. A week later, I was to meet with the church and be “sentenced” according to the grievances they formally listed in a letter to me. I’ve got enough shit to deal with in my life. I went along, I pleaded guilty, and was sentenced. I was not excommunicated, which was actually a surprise.

Yes, I have written sexual content in my books. They are romance with sexually explicate content. No, this was not the intent of my life to write sex in and all the time. This may change. I told them that. I was willing to work with their desire for me NOT to write sexual content, but that wasn’t good enough. I had to feel bad and repent of writing it at all. I had to feel sorry for doing it. I’m not. I am proud of my writing. I love my stories. Yeah, there is sex but sex happens in relationships and I write characters as close as I can to real people. I want to be real and relatable. So yeah, I wrote sex. This didn’t sit well.

In March, my husband tried to tell my son he needed to reach out to his grandmother before she passed. There was no communication between them. In April, my son joined the Air Force. He said he’d contact my husband with details of where he could be reached, and as of now (Aug 4) we haven’t heard from him.

In June (ish), I was approached again by the “board” of elders and asked, “Have you changed yet?” Um, no…. when was this ever an effective method of intervention? I’ve been dealing with life crap, and now asked again if I have changed. No. I haven’t. I’m the same cynical person I was before. Actually, I’m probably more bitter than before.

In July. My mother died. I listened to her drown in her own fluid. I smelled the scent of death I hope never to experience again.

I’m posting because I freaking tired of people “watching” me and passing judgment on my life. As they say, you have NO IDEA what a person is going through. As far as I know, in my experience with church order and structure etc, church discipline is supposed to be delivered in love. What I feel, isn’t love. I feel ridiculed, cornered, and attacked. You may not intend that, but that’s what comes across. (Church!) I have tried to express my concern for your lack of compassion. No one hears me. When have you asked how my mother was doing after I announced in January that she was dying? When have you asked how my son was doing? (Aside from one person in two years.)

Let me say this… In October 2016 I went to dinner during GRL with Steve Leonard. I don’t know Steve well, but while we were waiting for a table for like 8 people, we chatted. Do you know the first thing he asked? Steve asked, “How are things with your son?” Why did he ask that? He barely knows me. It’s because he pays attention and knows that the incident with my son was the most painful thing I’ve gone through in my life. He cared enough to pay attention. I get it, that the church “board” can’t know everything because they rely on Small Groups to get to know church members more deeply, but if a casual friend, whom I see once a year, knows my heart more deeply than a “board member,” then they don’t know and love me well enough to pass judgment.

Not one person from this church board showed up at my mother’s viewing or funeral. I’ve been going to that church for 7 years. I’m there almost every week. (Except recently). My boss, whom I’ve known for 5 months, showed up at the viewing because he cared enough about me to make the time. Friends whom I haven’t seen in years took off work to make time to spend 15 minutes with me at a viewing because they cared enough to do so. What kind of message do you think this sends about the church to ME. You lack compassion and caring. I get it, I wrote sex and I am not repenting of such and so I’m under “discipline,” but now I feel as though I don’t measure up to your standards and therefore don’t matter in the long run. This, is very sad.

I do not mean to be an embarrassment to my husband, family, or church, but I DO take this very personally. There are people who have come out of the woodwork to pay respects, and yet my church “family” hasn’t. NOTE: I do not count the people who have reached out! I know who you are. I am speaking directly to the board who has let me down. Those who feel they can pass judgment over me and yet not spend 5 minutes consoling my family. You’ve lost my respect. I am no longer attending that church. If I visit, it is because I DO have friends there that I will miss.

This is all ONLINE, as everything else in my life is online. If you don’t care to know me, then defriend me. I’m a very transparent person. I talk. It’s what I do. And I’ve held in the details of my life far too long. I tried to be respectful of the church, but I no longer feel like my life matters to you. I’m not clean enough—this is the message you sent me.

“I’ve brought my damned best, and it’s not good enough.” – (paraphrased. Damien Mitchell)

On the writing side of things, I'm trying. Words are not flowing well as I've been dealing with emotional crap. I hope to write and finish a book this year. Fingers crossed.

My parents 

Harassment

Do you know what the definition of harassment is?

On merriam-webster.com it says:

ha-rass
verb : to annoy or bother (someone) in a constant or repeated way
: to make repeated attacks against (an enemy)

transitive verb

1

a  :  exhaust, fatigue

b (1)  :  to annoy persistently (2)  :  to create an unpleasant or hostile situation for especially by uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical conduct 

2

:  to worry and impede by repeated raids <harassed the enemy>

Harass-er: noun

Harass-ment: noun

Whereas BULLY is a blustering browbeating person; especially : one habitually cruel to others who are weaker.

I think I feel bullied or harassed. I think so. I shouldn't think while I am in the shower because these are the things I come up with. I start pondering what the definition is and what it means to be harassed. And then I think about people who ARE harassed and think it must feel way worse than me.

We all know there was a "person" who stirred up trouble for me back in August. It was my fault. I trusted someone with my heart and she trampled it. But whatever, things happen for a reason. I get the impression that the trampling hasn't really ended. Several e-mails, a post on Facebook, and telling me I should talk to the pastor wasn't enough. Now, there is a possibility she is stirring up rumors and pressuring the pastor. Pressuring him to do what? I don't know. To "do something about it" maybe. And is it HER continuing to stir the pot or is it someone else whom I'm not aware of. Maybe someone she "gossiped" to about me. (Hmm, wait, isn't gossip a sin? could be.)

All I know is that I am tired of sitting quietly. I'm trying to be fair and kind and let it blow over. I've talked to the pastor…. SEVERAL TIMES! If "said person" is not happy with that and continues to stir up trouble, what am I to do? (Talking out loud here.) Many people when pursued by someone and made to feel trapped and cornered could take this as being harassed. If someone is bad-mouthing you, even if their talk is based on truth, isn't it harassment when they create an unpleasant and hostile situation?

But it is also believed "Christians shouldn't / wouldn't do that." Um, yes, I believe they can and do. Christians also don't go around suing others for slander and harassment. Do they? And why don't they? Because I'm supposed to take it and turn the other cheek. I'm supposed to let God take vengeance. You know what? That ain't that easy to do.

Another phrase that comes to mind is: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I wonder where that came from? I AM A WOMAN. I also feel betrayed when the very first thing someone learned about me, in the process of becoming my friend, she didn't like or agree with and she attacks. Yes, I did feel initially that I respected her for coming to me with her disagreement. I did. Years ago there wasn't confrontation because the disgruntled party didn't have the balls to talk to my face. This person did. I respect that. What I don't respect is the murmuring about people approaching the leadership of the church about me. Who are THESE people? Same person? If it is, I have lost all respect for that. If it is the same person then she has nothing better to do than try and make my life, (and the pastor's for that matter) harder.

Why would you do that?

I just want to live my life. If you are a Christian, and you believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, then let the Holy Spirit convict me and other people of our sins. Stop meddling in my business. And yes, I write to YOU Miss Person, because I have this feeling you are monitoring what I do and say. I'm glad MY LIFE means tat much to you that you feel compiled to watch every little bit. But at least you are watching me and maybe some of the people out there who could be harassed aren't because you are watching me instead. Good.

Guess what, I am a public figure. I have been. I'm an author and my life is under the microscope for all who wish to watch it as closely as you. Think about that. Would YOU like being watched like this? Actors, artists, writers, musicians, all have their art in the public eye. Their hearts are literally on their sleeves for everyone and anyone to crush because most artists I know make their art from there hearts. My heart is laid bear for all to step on. I took a chance at trusting you would be kind to my heart and care for it, but you didn't. You lashed out the first chance you got.

I will continue to write from my heart. My stories are full of words and emotions that pour from my soul. If you hate my soul so much for my vision of trying to bring peace and hope to the world, then you are a sad person. I'm sorry that you can not love enough to see people as people. You lost my respect, but perhaps you gained my pity. You poor thing.

As far as harassment goes, I do feel pitted in a corner. I second guess people's motives when they talk to me. I wonder if they are being nice because they are my friends or being nice as they try to feel out whether I am still "writing that sinful stuff."

Oh my gosh people. I AM A WRITER!!!!!! I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS. No one believes me. Writers constantly write, even if it is only in their heads. YES, I am still writing!!! My characters don't go away. Am I still writing gay characters? YES!!! Until people are no longer bullied for their sexuality, I will be writing them. And maybe even longer than that. I don't know. I write life as I see it. End. Of. Story. Am I still writing SEX into the stories because it was the SEX that really got me in trouble….. YES. So far, yes. Because I write life as I see it and my stories are character driven. If it seems relevant then I will write sex. Will it always be explicit? I don't know. I go with my feelings on the topics and the characters in the story. If you don't like it, then don't read it!

Okay, question for my readers….. How many times have I addressed the same things in my blogs? Lots? Um, probably. I think that is a good indication that I feel harassed. I am being bullied to conform whether I want to or not. At what point do I find a lawyer? At what point does the harassment turn ugly? I don't like confrontation, but I also don't like the persistent rumors about people talking behind my back who are SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIENDS. Obviously you are not.

I am getting tired of this. I am. I really really am.

There is a shirt that says beware of authors because they get their revenge in print. Maybe I need to write a murder mystery. Or a horror novel. Or a sci-fi monster story that has someone eaten or dismembered. I could get out me unpleasant thoughts that way. Writing horror. Yeah, maybe!

WHat I actually plan to do is try and be myself AUTHENTICALLY. I am ME. Some people will not like me. I have to accept that. Some people will not like what I write. I accept that. Below is a sign a friend of mine sent me. I like it! I am a Dreamer! I will continue to dream and perhaps one day others will start seeing the world differently because of me.